[unconventional] beauty -

perfect.

2011-04-01T11:59:00.001-05:00

today....qualifies as a perfect day.

2011-03-31T13:04:00.003-05:00

in relationships, we find out what love is.
through relationships, we understand who jesus is.
and in the same way,
relationships that are broken can drive us away
from love & jesus.
we were made to belong.
we were made for fellowship
for unity
for intimacy
for community.
everywhere you look -
people are struggling to fit in, to be a 'part'.
they want to be understood, accepted, and loved despite.

of course, there are those who claim to need no one,
proclaiming and maintaing they are just fine on their own.
these are the ones who keep everyone at a distance...
never for one moment allowing their guard down...
preferring the solitude of their own company.
yet their quality of life,
the quality of their relationships are so poor -
you can always look past
and understand a moment
or several
that pushed them past the vulnerability that relationships require,
to a hardening of the heart.
they still need community.relationships.love.
but they can no longer afford the pain those may bring.

others still go to the opposite extreme.
they look for love
anywhere.everywhere.
these are the girls who who give their body for love
and the boys who look at numbers to feel worthy.
these girls are desperate for attention,
and are thankful at any man who looks their way.
these boys jump from girl to girl to girl,
never committing, always using words to obtain,
and walking away with their sense of accomplishment.
in the morning,
these souls are the same.
empty.
lonely.
devoid of peace.
and so the cycle of searching begins again,
to drive those ugly emotions away.

and here i sit.
vacillating between the two extremes.
looking for love in people,
knowing Love is all I need....
desperate to be thought of a woman worth far more than rubies,
yet inconsistently portraying myself as another.
living a lifestyle of mediocrity...
unsure if I need, want, or even can change.
contemplating why certain things are deemed 'sinful'
when in reality, many more commonly accepted lifestyles,
are driving hearts away from jesus,
all the same,
if not more.

i see revenge in the man who calls himself a follower of jesus.
i see intentional dishonesty in the respected pastor.
i see gossip in the leaders of christianity.
i see judgement by body of christ.

i see compassion in the whore.
i see unconditional love in the drug dealer.
i see honesty in the lost soul.
i see jesus in the man who calls himself an atheist.

what am i?
all things to all people?
i have so much love to give
i have so much to offer.
we*those*
are so much more than we believe
so much more than we have allowed.
my heart breaks for
we*those*
who fall to these extremes of searching
what we were made for
in everywhere it is not.

that boy...
kind
giving
funny
hopefully
intelligent
a leader....
scared
alone
unsure.
he will become the man god created him to be.
i have to believe the lord will not forsake him.
i have to believe the lord has a plan for such a unique boy as this.

that girl...
loving
caring
enduring
trusting
loyal
patient....
scared
alone
unsure.
she will be a great woman of god.
i have to believe the lord will redeem her.
i have to believe the lord will heal her hurt,
and bring her the peace she has been searching for.

i am beyond grateful for those people in my life
who have taken the time to
know
believe
understand
hope
trust
pray for
and love
me.
in my sin.
in my glory.
in weakness.
in my strength.

the lord will not forget his covenenant.
he will not abandon us.
through relationships
through community
may we grow
support
understand
and encourage.

may this bring redemption.
may this bring fullness of life.
may this bring knowledge of Love.

2011-03-29T10:22:00.002-05:00

i miss eloquence.
i was once surrounded by people who knew
beauty of the soul
power of words
passion of the heart.

it is partly my fault,
i have chosen an accessible lifestyle,
one filled with praise for
stupidity
ignorance
crassness.

my passion for reading
my passion for knowledge
my passion to seek the beauty of the world
has dimmed.
is it because I struggle with my relationship with the Lord?
or my relationships have morphed into
meaningless banter and trivial fellowship?
i want to go back...

it breaks my heart,
because i don't know how to live for the lord
when I see so many around me falling away,
with the best intentions,
and the purest of Relationships.
It is so difficult to try....when I rarely see fruit.

[time]

2010-10-14T14:58:00.003-05:00

the concept of time blows my mind.
it is crazy, how in one month,
so much has changed.
in one month,
i continue to learn the concept of contentment,
i understand happy is an emotion,
emotions are flighty,
peace is eternal.
i continue to learn trust is difficult,
and sometimes brutal,
but so necessary.
in a month,
i feel so much more stable than i have been in quite some time.
i'm also aware,
anything can change.
and in one month,
i will be 23.

i am not where i thought i would be at 23.
but that is ok,
i am obviously where God wants me to be.
everything in life happens for a purpose,
HIS purpose,
and I am thankful I am not in control.

time will continue to move
and things will continue to change
and i will continue to ponder
how this happened
when this happened
and i will rest in knowing He is in control.

[you know you're on your phone too much when...]

2010-10-13T18:50:00.001-05:00

you start double tapping your computer's space bar in order to get a "."

awesome, thanks iphone.

[deep in the heart of texas]

2010-10-13T17:54:00.003-05:00

i got a new tattoo :)
i have been wanting a texas outline for a while,
and last night i decided to go for it!

it's ok if you don't like it,
some do and some don't.
the important thing that matters,
is that i do.

ps. i do not have kankles, as this picture is clearly and falsely trying to portray. haha.

[just because you have a camera...]

2010-10-05T15:16:00.003-05:00

does not mean you're a photographer.

this, i know.
however, i still like to pretend
and live in my own world
where my pictures really are cool and interesting.
but, lets be serious,
its only because i have a super amazing phone
with super amazing apps!

but i still created a flickr account.

:)

[fall is coming]

2010-09-28T14:42:00.003-05:00

no, that is not what san antonio looks like...or probably will ever look like...
but that's what it feels like.
it has been the most perfect fall weather the past two days.

sunny, cool, crisp.

not a thing i would change.
and although i am going to miss summer dearly,
i am actually excited about seeing fall and winter come!
maybe it has to do with my friends who are all christmas fanatics.

on a yucky note,
its test time!
i truly dislike the classes i'm taking right now:
experimental psychology and the lab.
this is definitely not the part of psychology i prefer,
or wish to study,
and the fact that i have to ace these classes
in order to get into grad school is a little depressing!
wish me luck :)

[serious issues]

2010-09-22T15:30:00.004-05:00

i have serious issues.
i need my back cracked EVERY day!
and i normally don't get it everyday,
so it builds up to this awful immense pain.

yesterday,
i drove 15 minutes,
and bought a 6 pack of beer for my friend,
so he could crack my back and massage it.
that's how desperate i was.

was it worth it?
yes. 100%.
however....
the pain is creeping back.

i need a chiropractor, stat!
can't wait till i get insurance....

[transition]

2010-09-21T13:42:00.003-05:00

i don't know what that means,
or what it looks like.
but i am praying i make the right decisions.

i am thankful for friends and family
who love me
and more than that,
who love jesus.

****

girls night last night was so much fun :)
my ladies are amazing, and beautiful, and love jesus
and im so glad they are in my life.
we went to alamo drafthouse and watched 'going the distance'
whileeeeeeeee this movie was funny
(charlie from always sunny in philadelphia - my favorite character!)
and i LOVE justin long
(seriously, i want someone with THAT personality!)
there were some raunchy parts!
i had no idea it was rated r until we got to the theatre.
but it was actually a good movie.
joy and i got into an argument about the movie
- don't worry, i won't spoil it about telling you what it was about -
because we both have been in long distance relationships.

differences:
her man loves jesus, mine did not.
her relationship worked, mine did not.
i moved cities, she did not.

so....
i don't know.
she is getting married in decemeber,
and a part of me wants to say she is in happy bliss.
i am healing, and still working through pain.
i don't know that i would ever give everything up for a man again.
of course, again, there is still much healing to be done
and a lot to be said for trust lost,
but i will definitely think twice before entering a long distance relationship,
and especially moving!

[stay with me tonight]

2010-09-21T13:33:00.001-05:00

the streetlamps try to do their best

but the light's faded in the west

it's like a night straight out of Poe

and one I'd hate to be alone

but with my ego at full mast

i cannot bring myself to ask you...

baby, stay with me tonight

it's a while before the light will win

and I'd love to have you here to tuck me in, oh,

baby, I hate to be needy

it's just the shadows seem kind of seedy

and I'm begging you to stay here with me

i never liked those girls who cling

needing a man for everything

with batted eyes and pouts intent

they bask in attention spent

but one thing I envy in their bask

they wouldn't hesitate to ask you...

i've been the same girl all along

too independent proud and strong

more like an island and a rock

than like a pillow or a dock

but sometimes strength is just a mask

and that's why tonight, my love, I ask you...

baby, stay with me tonight

it's a while before the light will win

and I'd love to have you here to tuck me in, oh,

baby, I hate to be needy

it's just the shadows seem kind of seedy

and I'm begging you to stay here with me

stay with me tonight (emma wallace)

cute!

2010-09-15T17:44:00.002-05:00

inaluxe has the cutest cards! check out this one:

(it says:)

I love
the way you smell
your smiling eyes
sleeping in with you
your taste in music
your big bushy beard
the way you never laugh (loudly) when I slam into glass storefront doors
the fact that even though I have the scariest morning hair you still think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.

etsy always has the best finds!

[keep breathing]

2010-09-13T14:34:00.001-05:00

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
[ingrid michaelson]

[exhausted]

2010-09-13T13:42:00.003-05:00

as i sit here,
staring at the computer screen,
phone off,
facebook deactivated,
and sondre lerche playing in my headphones,
i cannot, for the life of me, begin to function enough to write a paper.

my crutches have been taken,
and i am too exhausted.
mentally
emotionally
physically
spiritually.

i hurt.
there, i said it.
i hurt.
and i don't want anyone to know.

i don't know how to get back to the beginning,
to the way things were before.
before boys,
before booze,
before sexuality invaded my life and reared its ugly head.
before debt
before work
before the cares of life stole my joy.

don't get me wrong,
i am happy.
i know i am blessed.
but days like today...
after working and working and working
without stop,
my armour begins to chip away,
revealing things i don't want anyone to see.
my weaknesses,
my fears,
my discouragement.

tomorrow,
or the day after,
i shall be just fine.
back to myself,
smiling and laughing and loud.
but today,
just for today,
i don't know what to do.
i don't know how to make these problems go away.

There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay,
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do.
And if the chance should happen that I never see you again,
Just remember that I'll always love you.
There's nothing you could never do to ever let me down,
And remember that I'll always love you.
(a minor incident by badly drawn boy)

He will never leave me, or forsake me.
He has only given me what I can handle.
its going to be ok.
tomorrow will come.
and i will be ok.

[girl in translation]

2010-07-13T00:09:00.002-05:00

"...when Matt and I were walking down the street, I caught sight of Vivian in a flower shop as we passed. If possible, she was even more beautiful than ever in her sorrow, with limpid eyes that looked as if the world had drowned in them. She happened to look up. when she saw us, she seemed heartbroken, her grief so complete that if left no room for anger. I thought, I never want to love someone like that, not even Matt, so much that there would be no room left for myself, so much that I wouldn't be able to survive if he left me."

-Kimberly, Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok

today...

2010-07-11T22:56:00.001-05:00

I realized,

that when I am uncomfortable,

I get extremely quiet.

I realized,

that when I want to show someone I don't care,

when I really do,

I get extremely loud & overly verbal.

in these situations, and all others,

why can't I just be...

me?

summa time//summa time

2010-07-11T17:16:00.002-05:00

there is something great about being

in the water,

in the sun,

in a bathing suit.

honestly,

life seems carefree,

and peaceful.

thank God for the summa time :)

seventeen!

2010-07-09T09:43:00.003-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH!

seventeen years ago today, a star was born.

as you can see, she's incredibly gorgeous

and, incredibly talented!

in addition to playing guitar, she has an amazing strong voice

and writes her own music.

she's creative, beyond belief...

while this christmas bag doesn't demonstrate that fully,

her sense of humor is definitely evident.

she's super fly

and she's got killer dance moves.

i'm gonna be as good, one day!

we love taking pictures together -

we're hot stuffff.

Hannah, you are incredible.

I admire your passion, your love for God, and your strength so much.

Never lose that childlike faith -

the excitement of spending time in the presence of God.

You are more emotionally mature than so many 17 year old,

so much discretion,

and with such a sensitive spirit.

I know you're going to be a huge impact on people's lives.

I love spending time with you,

dancing to music,

taking pictures,

laughing & being goofy.

You're such a fun person, and such a joy to be around;

I'm so thankful you're able to be yourself, no matter what.

I love you Hannah!!

[emotion]

2010-07-08T14:34:00.001-05:00

"If I know how I feel it, that's what counts. Don't you ever look at someone who's hysterical in public and wonder if it's because they really feel miserable or because they want others to know they're miserable? It kind of dilutes the emotion if you display it for the whole world to see. Makes it less pure"

- Jacob, "House Rules" by Jodi Picoult

[greyandyellow]

2010-06-24T11:50:00.004-05:00

i decided whenever i move,
wherever i move,
my new color theme for my room/bedroom is going to be
dun dun dunnnnn

grey and yellow!

yes, i know, its kind of a popular color combo right now,
especially for weddings
(im sorry - im a wedding blog fanatic!)
but hey, don't judge me.
it's my room anyways.
haha.

anyways, in searching for different ideas,
these are the pictures i came across:

dwell

southern living
cute right?
i know they are two different styles,
but the idea is what i'm getting at.
i like the striped bedspread a lot.
it feels...clean!

faithful!

2010-06-23T14:27:00.002-05:00

God is just so faithful to me.

I am so thankful that I have people in my life

that continue to encourage me,

and build me up,

and speak truth to me.

i need it.

it's always exactly what i need to hear.

a few days ago,

liz was encouraging me to stop being such a people pleaser....

to focus on pleasing God, and no one else.

and during that time to today,

i kept dwelling on two things:

1. i am enough.

no matter how loud,

obnoxious,

emotional,

silly,

trusting,

passionate

or whatever....

i am enough in Christ.

this is how I was made,

and i am quite enough

for the ones who truly love me.

2. to get rid of my pride and do the Bible study

Lies Women Believe

that my mom has been telling me to do

but i haven't wanted to because.....

i'm just prideful.

today, i spoke to my old coworker

and very good friend, Jessica Villalpando

and she truly encouraged me a lot.

She mentioned she's been doing a Bible study called...

yes, Lies Women Believe,

and she kept thinking about me on the chapter about

yes, being a people pleaser.

talk about humbling.

I picked it up today,

asked forgiveness for being so hardheaded

and prayed God would transform my life through this study.

please, pray for me as I let God

weed out the garbage in my life.

so much on my mind...

2010-06-21T08:16:00.003-05:00

-two exams today
-worried about my lingering sickness
-missing my family
-thinking about the future, trying to be content in the present
-feeling restless, needing adventure
-thankful for the lessons in life, hard as they may be
-missing people, missing relationships

update:

my exams are over and done with. i dont know how i did on my second one, cause i studied so much for my first one.

also, please be in prayer for my friend...

he dove into a shallow part of a pool and is paralyzed from the waist down.

he has a 5% chance of walking again.

pray that he will come to know jesus through this.

to my pops

2010-06-20T21:12:00.002-05:00

happy fathers day :)

you are the most hardworking man

i've ever met.

growing up,

you were always up before any of us,

making sure things got done.

i can always count on you

to know exactly what you're talking about.

you're the best when it comes to

anything that needs to be fixed.

i don't think i've thanked you often enough for that...

so, thank you.

thank you for giving me my love of music,

thank you for being the spiritual leader,

thank you for being patient with me,

thank you for supporting me,

thank you for being there,

thank you for trying to work past our issues,

thank you for all those things i never said thank you for....

thank you for being the dad i was meant to have.

i love you.

you and me - dave matthews band

2010-06-13T23:19:00.008-05:00

my roommate liz introduced me

to this song the other night,

and it immediately captured my heart.

this is how i want a man to love me someday.

it isn't always logical,

(is love ever?)

but i desire

this element of adventure

in a love.

wanna pack your bags
something small
take what you need and we disappear
without a trace we'll be gone, gone
moon and the stars will follow the car
and then when we get to the ocean
gonna take a boat to the end of the world
all the way to the end of the world

oh when the kids are old enough
we gon' teach them to fly

you and i we're not tied to the ground
not falling but rising like rolling around
eyes closed above the rooftops
eyes closed were gonna spin through the stars
our arms wide as the sky we gon ride the blue
all the way to the end of the world
to the end of the world

Oh when the kids are old enough
we gon teach them to fly

we can always look back on what we did
always memory of you and me baby
right now its you and me forever girl
you know we could do better than
anything that we did
you know that you and me
we could do anything

you and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes,yes
the two of us together
we could do anything baby
you and me together yes, yes
two of us together, yes, yes
two of us together
we could do anything baby

anchors away!

2010-06-07T11:13:00.002-05:00

i've always wanted an achor tattoo -

but this would work in it's stead nicely.

oh, it's tiffany's??

yes, please!

[re-run]

2010-06-04T20:47:00.000-05:00

i posted this two years and some odd months ago....
and its funny,
after two years,
one city change,
and a million different life lessons,
i can still find truth in the same verses -
they speak the same, and they speak anew.
////////////////////////////////////////////////

Place me like a seal over heart,
like a seal upon your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.

song of songs 8:6-7

my heart cannot,
will not,
be satisfied
until i experiance this love.

my mind.
its a battlefield.
i know who i am.
but do i really?
the person i see in the mirror...
who is she?
those are questions, i sometimes cannot answer.

i have a hole in my heart.
its a hole only He can fill.
but i must, i must, i MUST,
allow him to heal me, to renew me,
to transform the image i see in the mirror.

when i am grounded in a love that is
stronger than death
only then will i experience that which will satisfy.
i mean, really,
what human, what thing, what knowledge, what encounter...
provides a love that is STRONGER THAN DEATH?

our God is a jealous God.
he craves our love, just as much as we crave his.
when i wander, when i take a step away,
he hurts.
it pains him....
but he will never give up.
...as enduring as the grave

oh god.
thank you.
thank you for loving a wretched sinner like me.

he has made everything beautiful in its time...

breathe

2010-06-04T14:55:00.003-05:00

there are so many things

that are heavy on my heart.

but i am crippled in my words

and hindered by fear.

this is me.

in all my imperfection.

i am clumsy,

i am weak,

i am human.

but within all of this,

i am beautiful

because i know how to love.

because i am willing to be vulnerable

becuase i am willing to take a risk

because my trust is in jesus christ.

i am on this

wonderfulpainfulexcitingcolorfulbreathtaking

rollercoaster called life.

and there is this immense emotion called

fear

that continues to try to stop me

from enjoying the ride.

after all i've been through

after all i have been told

i still have a desperation to know

that love still prevails.

that there is a trust that cannot be broken

that despite brokenness,

there can be healing.

let your face shine on your servant;

save me in your unfailing love.

sex and the city

2010-06-01T18:01:00.004-05:00

tonight,

i am going to spend time with some of my favorite ladies

- onscreen and offscreen.

oh yes.

sex and the city.

with liz, mel, sarah, joy and some other very lovely ladies.

the reviews supposedly have been terrible,

but i am still so excited!

honey, i'm home!

2010-05-17T09:30:00.002-05:00

it has been almost two months since i've last posted,

and what a whirlwind of change has happened.

reading some of these last posts almost makes me feel pathetic

and i was tempted to delete...

but i didn't :)

i felt what i felt, and i should make no apologies.

good gosh,

so much has changed.

the biggest -

i am at peace.

i am satisfied.

for the first time in almost two years.

it's an unfamiliar feeling,

and was almost uncomfortable at first,

because for so long....

i had been searching for the next high,

living in depression,

and beating myself up for so long.

i moved in with two girls from teenmania,

melody romo and liz hansen, and melody's sister - joy.

these girls have been such an incredible encouragement to me.

i never realized how much the friends you surround yourself with,

and the enviroment you live in can affect you so immensely.

i don't think i have the time, or the space, or even the words

to fully allow myself to explain the extent

to which God moved me out of my pit through these girls,

and so i shall leave it at that.

thank you jesus.

i was living in this...downward spiral,

of drinking, and partying, and making stupid, stupid choices.

and i saw it, and i just didnt know how to get out.

i didn't know how to stop.

and now i'm here.

i've stopped.

it no longer has a hold on me.

on one hand,

i'm saddened that i allowed myself to make

those choices, those decisions that put me into awful situations,

but at the same time,

i cannot live with regret,

and i'm only going to allow myself to learn, and to grow,

and i know that one day,

my testimony will impact someone in a huge way.

i feel like i've aged so much.

not in a bad way completely....

but in a way, that i know what i want.

i'm tired of living for something temporal.

it all fades away so quickly.

2010-03-22T11:32:00.003-05:00

i'm tired of being sad,
and i'm tired of being around sad people.
yes, i have some screwed up relationships,
and yes, its all been piling on top of me all at once...
but, i am still so much better off than millions of other people in the world.

I read a GREAT quote, and i don't have it on me,
but it pretty much said that being others centered
is the cure for any sickness...depression, heart break, etc.
when you are pouring yourself out,
you become focused on the needs of others, and their hurts,
and slowly you begin to heal....you can't focus on two things at once!

Thats so true.
I want to pour my life out,
i want to influence others.
I'm going to start trying to be involved in community programs,
I applied for Big Brother Big Sister,
I'm going to run in the Race for the Cure,
and I'm looking at other things, like Habitat for Humanity.

I've been talking to a friend about opportunities at her church as well, so we'll see how that pans out. If you have any other suggestions for me, they would be much appreciated :)

..::lovelovelovelove::..

2010-03-16T17:16:00.003-05:00

loveeee these red newport cordones by tomsshoes.com

i want them!

a mere $70, thats all...

skeletons in my closet

2010-03-15T13:04:00.002-05:00

you're gone,
im here.
you said forever.
and we laughed
we cried
and we never thought that forever would end.

we dedicated songs to each other
took silly pictures
whispered secrets in the dark till we fell asleep.
you were my best friend
my confidante.
the one person i knew i could rely on.
the one person that would be always be there for me
the one person who would love me no matter what.

or so i thought.
but you're gone
and im here.
i have questions
that will never be answered
but there is one question that will always hang over my head
why did you stop being my friend?
i don't like thinking about the answer
it hurts too much,
and sometimes, i just pretend the truth is altogether something different.
but i will always know...
i wasn't enough.
i was too human.
i fell
and you didnt want a fallen person for a friend.
i changed...
who knew that thought that 'forever' had
'or until you change' silently, invisibly attached.

'you don't get to call me a whore! when i met you, i thought i had met the person i would spend the rest of my life with. i was done. so all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues...who cared? because I was done. you left me! you chose addison! i'm all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke. you don't get to call me a whore!'

- meredith (greys anatomy)

days of yesteryear

2010-03-08T10:50:00.002-06:00

times change,
people move,
habits are formed,
habits are killed,
beauty fades,
love is lost,
new life becomes,
rebirth begins.

how to hold on,
how to move on,
how to begin,
how to finish,
how to love,
how to lose,
how to breathe,
how to be.

its a fight and a war
to see the beauty and the peace
but isn't it so much sweeter once we've learned that
it's ok to hurt,
its ok to cry,
but you have to get up, wake up,
and become.

music

2010-02-23T10:32:00.002-06:00

i love music.
its honestly been my constant...
so, obviously, i have been having a hard time with the breakup
and one of my friends, nadim, gave me some songs off his playlist "bitchs"
hahahahahaha.
its been fun...its like a game to see "what song describes my pathetic love life the most"
and i know that sounds so depressing, but its NOT!
it makes me laugh!
honestly, it takes my mind off of how sad i am, and how much i miss him.

songs that i relate to the most:

i'm gonna find another you - john mayer
better that we break - maroon 5
need you now - lady antebellum (hahah my life. seriously.)
and the funniest one...
i will always love you - whitney houston
hahaha who knew i would end up relating to you, whitney??? :)

so for now, so long until i write again...
everything will be alrighttttttt (the killers)

gunna make it

2010-02-11T22:07:00.002-06:00

at the end of the day,
when all is said and done,
the joy of the lord will be my strength.

happy single's awarness day!!

2010-02-10T11:24:00.003-06:00

couples make me gag.
and everytime i see a valentine display,
i want to kick it down.
everyone seems so mushy ushy gushy
and ive seen so many guys buying roses at walmart,
its ridiculous.
like, please, reality....just slap me a little harder to remind me that
IM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
and that i'm too pathetic to get in one.

ok, ok, ok,
before you freak out and tell me i'm being bitter,
and i'm WORTH it and I'm BEAUTIFUL and there is
a special guy out there SOMEWHERE for me...
i'm telling you...
i know :)
I'm working on the bitternes...
but I'm know I'm beautiful, and worth it, and there is a special guy out there somewhere.
I'm just telling you that those are my FIRST reactions...
and then I have to take those thoughts captive, and give them to God.
This Valentine's Day, I am learning what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is.
I am learning Agape.

For those of you who don't know what agape is:
There are several types of love in the Greek language...the three most widely known are

eros - as you can imagine, is ROMANTIC love. the kind of love everyone wants this weekend, the sexy passionate love.
philia - is the love you have for a family member, brother, sister, or very close friend.
agape - divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (wikipedia). Agape is the love the God has for us.
One of my favorite quotes from Rob Bell's book 'Sex God' is this:

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape MAKES them worthy by the strength and power of it's love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.

I love this quote.
I am so imperfect.
I fail everyday.
I am weak,
I am stubborn,
I lust,
I curse,
I have no self control,
I am selfish,
and foolish,
and unwise.
I am a sinner.

But through his strength, through his salvation, and through his LOVE...
i am made perfect.
how amazing is that???
i have someone who will NEVER LEAVE me, NEVER FORSAKE ME!
there is nothing i could ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
should i say it again?
EVERRRRRR
do that would make him love me less, or stop loving me.

and right now, at this time in my life,
that is exactly what i need.

i have left so many times,
i have given myself to other lovers,
and i have worshipped other gods.
ughhh i have been BROKEN and BEATEN and TORN DOWN...

Therefore, behold, I [the Lord God] will hedge up her way thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths.

And she shall follow after her lovers but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them , but shall not find them.

For she has not noticed, understood, or realized that it was I [the Lord God] Who gave her the grain and the new wine and the fresh oil, and Who lavished upon her silver and gold which they used for Baal and made into his image.

Therefore will I return and take back My grain in the time for it and My new wine in the season for it, and will pluck away and recover My wool and My flax which were to cover her [

And now will I uncover her lewdness and her shame in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of My hand.

And I will lay waste and destroy her vines and her fig trees of which she has said, These are my reward or loose woman's hire that my lovers have given me; and I will make [her plantations] an inaccessible forest, and the wild beasts of the open country shall eat them.

And I will visit [punishment] upon her for the feast days of the Baals, when she burned incense to them and decked herself with her earrings and nose rings and her jewelry and went after her lovers and forgot Me, says the Lord.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!

Hosea 2:6-23
(i omitted a few verses)

When I read this verse...
I cant breathe.
I am overwhelmed by Love.
This verse has been one of my favorite passages since 2005
but it has never meant so much to me more than it does today.

So, this Valentines Day...
I am throwing myself into knowing my True Lover,
and I am going to seek him as desperately as I have sought my other loves.
and I am praying for a desire to KNOW him more intimately than I have known anyone else.
He will HEAL me, and make me WHOLE.
I will wait upon the Lord...

I know that some of you may read this and think 'sure thing, kid'
but never before have i been in such a broken, broken time in my life.
and never before have i been so so aware of my...humanity and
my need for salvation.
yes, i'm going to make mistakes.
but God willing, I will be made perfect in Him.

2010-01-25T16:12:00.003-06:00

this is where i want to be, and that is what i want to be doing...oh spring break, come quickly!

after this weekend,
i decided i really want a new chapter in my life to begin.
i want to start being more disciplined in spending time with the Lord,
and everything that follows with that.
i need obedience...
i have always struggled with that.
there are just somethings in my life, that need to get out.

i'm going to start memorizing a new verse every week...
this week's:
'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!'
2 Corinthians 5:17

i know, its one of the most commonly used verses, but its very relevant at this point in my life...i am ready for the old to be gone.
i surrender myself to You!!

hello, weekend :)

2010-01-15T11:11:00.002-06:00

oh my, finally, friday has come
and there is no school on Monday!
yay!

It was a good week...
although in these upcoming weeks,
I am definitely going to have to buckle down...
NO GOING OUT DURING THE WEEK FOR ME!
Ugh, sometimes I get so frustrated...
why am I such a social butterfly?
I love being around people...
talking, laughing, having fun, being LIVE :)
I feel left out when I choose to stay home.
But, school and work come first and
a girl's gotta do, what a girls gotta do.

I went to Cowboys for the first time this past Wednesday -
it was so much fun (live! haha).
I saw almost everyone I knew,
and it was so fun dancing!
I had never really danced COUNTRY before...
one of my friends, Roland, danced with me and kept twirling me --
hahah, i felt like such a girl, light and feminine!
I loved it!
I got my feet stepped on SEVERAL times,
and i now have two huge bruises on the top of my feet,
it hurts to wear shoes!
One girl stepped on me with her heels, tearing off the top layer of my skin...
poor me.
But, I had a really good time and I'm going to have to go back at least ONCE this semester!

I have been working out ALMOST every day this week...
abs, arms, weights, running, etc.
my goal is to firm up my rear end and my abs...
spring break is on its way!
i would like to continue to gain weight...
I weighed myself last night, I'm 105!
About 5 more lbs would be nice...
(firm pounds lol)

Wellllll
I'm off to my last class,
praise Jesus :)

a new year

2010-01-13T11:38:00.003-06:00

Well, I was pretty pathetic at updating.
Jumping into college, and working 28 hours a week kinda overdid it for me.
I would like to try to start updating a little more regularly,
if only to post pretty pictures :)

A new year has come,
hopefully with changes and blessings.
School just start this past week...yikes!
I am already feeling scatterbrained with 5 classes :)

Tony and I are still on a break,
indefinitely.
It is hard, because I still love and care for him,
and I know he feels the same way,
but we are both at very different places right now
and it just isnt the right time.
I honestly need time to know what it means to be Mia...
not Mia part of the Anderson family
and not Tony and Mia.
just Mia.
and on top of that, emotionally, and finanicially
and all the issues with my family...
I can't handle it all.
I have to let go of some things.
So, for now, we are just good friends :)

Well, its off to Statistic for Psychology! yikes!

"Don't you just love...fall? It makes me want to shop for back to school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."
-You've Got Mail

update coming soon...

2009-08-22T21:54:00.003-05:00

but for now...

look at beauty captured,
also formally known as engagement pictures...

(matthew morgan photography)

today...

2009-08-21T11:01:00.000-05:00

is the day a new chapter of my life begins.

i will keep you posted :)

One More Day....

2009-08-20T13:50:00.002-05:00

I move tomorrow!
[gulp]
I'm so nervous.
I still need to finish packing, and cleaning,
pack my car, my dad's car
and then...
drive.

My move in time is 9am Saturday morning!
and God COMPLETELY provided the loan money in time for me to move in!
PTL, thank you Jesus!
I meet my two new roommates for the first time...
and I move into my downsized living space...
yay :)

i tried downloading the layout of my new apt, but it wouldn't work...
so you can click here - i am room a!

I start my new nanny job on Sunday, just meeting the kids and getting 'oriented'.
I'll keep you updated!

run to win

2009-08-17T11:55:00.001-05:00

Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs,
but only one person gets the prize?
So run to win!
All athletes are disciplined in their training.
They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize.
So I run with purpose in every step.
I am not just shadowboxing.
I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.
Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.
1 cor. 9:25-27

from another blog...

2009-08-14T09:20:00.002-05:00

hm...interesting question.
what do you think?

tartraz: something to ponder

lets be honest...

2009-08-11T11:52:00.002-05:00

if i had a charger for my camera...
i would probably post a lot more often.

:|

hannah is a sweet sixteen

2009-08-11T11:34:00.003-05:00

hannah turned sweet sixteen!

this is hannah, in a nutshell.

this is my crazy, amazing, loud and beautiful family.

isn't this cake amazing?? my cousin made it..
(Alma's Cakes - 281.580.5022, hit em upppp!
they do weddings, birthdays, everything!)

me and hannah :)

me and my man. sexxy.

these would be nice...

2009-08-06T15:10:00.006-05:00

for my school assignments.

for my shoes.

for my toiletries.

oh, the container store.

you make me happy.

||update|| san antone

2009-07-30T13:34:00.003-05:00

i got both jobs! yay.

I went to the Michael's interview in the morning,

and was immediately offered the job. I asked for my availibility to switched to the weekends,

so i'll be working either every other weekend both days, or every other saturday or sunday.

I then had an interview with the lady and her family...

and it went well...I just didn't get the greatest vibe.

They asked me to committ...and I just honestly can't say what my future holds!

i'm goin to be a college student -- what if i'm offered an internship?

Anyways, the boys were sweet and everything, in the end,

I just didn't get a good feeling in the pit of my stomach.

After the interview, Vanessa told me about the family that she used to nanny after school...

and, as it all worked out...I got to meet her that day and get an interview!

Tracey was very sweet, and made me feel comfortable right away.

And after a couple of days of waiting...and of playing phone tag with the first family...I got the job with Tracey!

I'm very excited and I can't wait to start working and jump into school!

please be praying for my loans to come through!

i still need money to pay for housing and my credit isn't enough to let me get a loan, even with a co-signer. I really appreciate it, y'all.

the backpacks i want to buy -- which one do you like more??

san antone

2009-07-23T14:25:00.002-05:00

i'm going to san antonio tomorrow...
i have two job interviews!

one is with michael's...
the other is with a lady with two boys (7 & 5 yrs) who wants me to watch them 2:45-5:30 every day after school.

i'm excited.
i'll let you know how it goes :)

thank you jesus for opening up the doors.

acne

2009-07-22T08:25:00.002-05:00

help!!!
i'm dying.
haha, not really.
for some reason...since march, my face has broken out beyond belief.
it has NEVER been like this before, not even when i was a teenager!
i had relatively pretty skin for the past couple of years...an occasionally pimple...
right now, i seriously look like a person from a proactiv commercial :(
and if i had a working camera, i'd show you :(
no exaggeration yall.

so...does anyone have any helpful tips???
i've tried proactiv
i'm trying to get back on my excercise routine, drink more water, and cut out high fructose corn syrup.
i've tried cetaphil, and neutrogena, and vitamins...
ahhhhhh.
this is getting bad.
right now, i'm using oatmeal to wash my face, and it seems to be calming down,
not as inflamed,
but its still PAINFUL!

Usually when I tell someone about this, they ask one of three questions:
Do you have more stress in your life? No, not anymore than usual
Has your routine changed? No, not anymore than it has in the past
Have you started a birth control? No, I have not

Does anyone...anyone AT ALL...have any suggestions?
i'm so desperate.

coworkers & friends

2009-07-20T14:52:00.003-05:00

Jess commented on my last note and told me I forgot to mention how much I'm going to miss my coworkers and friends...

The thing is...I didn't forget...
but I can't just simply mention, in passing,
a group of people who have meant so much more to me than a coworker ever could.
Y'all have been confidantes, allies, sisters in christ, prayer partners, and most of all, friends.
Thank you for a year and a half of lunches, inside jokes, boring fridays made fun, and the camaraderie that was brought about by laughter or tears, and sometimes both.
You honestly made awful days bearable,
and sometimes made good days awful ;)
(just kidding...half kidding. hahah)
There were times, that you were my sanity.
Thank you for supporting me through all I went through, good and bad,
for being a listening ear,
and giving me the confidence and encouragement to stand up for myself or TO certain people
(eh...you know who/what i'm talking about haha)
and for tolerating my random bursts of song.
I'll miss you.

I yet I really can't tell you how much I am going to miss you,
because words aren't quite sufficient.

I am so excited to see what God is going to do in your life...you're all in such exciting places!!
People always say they don't want to lose touch, and I hope that we can truly keep that communication.

i love you girls. so so so much.

hello again

2009-07-17T11:02:00.002-05:00

well, its been a month and some odd days since i've last posted.
a lot has happened...

i got my purse stolen while out on lake conroe with a couple of friends!
our truck was busted into, and lots of things stolen.
tony, being smart, had put his stuff in a pocket, so nothing of his was touched...
vanessa got the worst of it...two $500 blank checks (don't ask, haha), $200 cash, her cell phone, and much much more.
it was not enjoyable.
my camera cord was in my purse, and apparently you can only order them online, so I've been without a camera and its made me awfully sad.

Children's Ministry two main events are over and done with :)
VBS and Camp were huge, and I loved it. We had awesome turnouts.
I was able to actually go to camp this year (I got sick last year) and it was so fun --
I had such an amazing group of girls...the Lord really blessed me :)

Definitely got a shocker at the end of camp...got pulled out at midnight on Friday night,
to be told by my boss that she was resigning after 25 years.
Not only that, but her last day was going to be Tuesday.
Her reception was the next Sunday.
Crazy.
I had been planning on going to orientation/vacation for a while, so I wasn't even going to be here for her last day or reception!
I came back, and she was gone.
It will be such a great time for her kids though --
I know they'll love the extra time they'll get to spend with their mom :)

I officially gave my resignation the Monday I came back.
It was a little awkward...
and it kind of still is, haha.
But I am going to be going to school in August.
Yes, to UTSA.
Yes, thats where Tony goes.
But, no, that is not the only reason I am going
(note: i said not the ONLY reason...of course he is a reason :] ).
and i am sooooooo excited.
I've already registered for classes, and I can't wait for them to begin.
My last day at the church will be August 21...
I wanted to stay long enough to make sure they got everything done for Promotion Sunday, with Cindy being gone and everything.
But then, I move August 22.
algjagkja';g;agj;algjka;gjk
so excited.
i can't wait to move into my new apartment!
brand new -- never been lived in!
woohoo!
i've submitted a couple of resumes for administrative positions down there...
please be praying i get a call back from someone and they offer me a job ;)

this week was houston project...
and i went and helped at my dad's church site.
yes, my dad's (possesive) church site.
my dad is the new youth pastor of north central baptist church.
its crazy, and its all on faith, because they have no idea how the Lord is going to provide for them,
but they know that he will.
if you can, please just be lifting up my family in prayer as they embark on this HUGE new journey of life.

and tonight...I am going on mission trip!
I haven't been on an actual mission trip since 2005.
it's with tony's church and we're going to be doing construction on a pastor's house in galveston.
its just for the weekend, but it should be fun :)

2009-06-08T19:15:00.002-05:00

so many emotions.
so many things i can't really say.

im so tired.
a year ago this week...
i was in the same position i am now.
tell me what progress was made?
if anything, i feel as though i've regressed.

my heart hurts so badly...
i know its the same situation over and over
but you can never get used to the pain of being hurt again and again.
how many times can i be wrong?
i'm not the victim, i know that i've hurt and caused as much pain...
but i can't take this anymore either.
im at the point where i have to decide if the relationships are worth the drama.
because my family is the most dramatic family in the history of dramatic families.
[okkk yes that was dramatic too :) ]

in this hurt, i am pushing others away.
i do not know how to handle it,
and i put it out on others in ways that i shouldn't.
but at the same time,
i wish i had a friend in houston.
just one friend, that i could go to, no matter what time of night it was,
and i could go and get a hug, and they would let me cry.
and talk.
and just pour out my heart,
no matter if it wasn't the 'right' things to say.
i miss those friends...

in the midst of this,
i know i am being pushed to god.
but can i be honest?
for the past twenty one years i've been in the same spot..
i'm exhausted.
i dont know what is real and what is not.
yes...i said it.
i work at a church, and i grew up in the church,
and im supposed to be such a godly christian...
but i feel jaded.
judge me if you will,
but that is my heart...
my painful, bleeding heart.

i miss them.
all of them.

||these are a few of my favorite things||

2009-05-28T10:36:00.003-05:00

the past couple of weeks have been really hard.
i've been going through a lot emotionally, as far as family & friends go,
and just where my future is taking me.
anyways, i needed a boost & something that always makes me feel better is thinking about my favorite things!
hahahahahha. ok, i know that was dumb, but seriously...

tanning.
new life green.
va va voom red.
(but not green & red together ;] )
getting massages.
watching movies that make you cry from deep inside.
unconditional love.
singing SO LOUD & OFF KEY and enjoying every second of it.
really good lunches with coworkers!
birthdays.
making tie die t-shirts with my siblings.
laughing so hard your stomach hurts.
a good run.
seeing old friends.
spending time with new friends.
kisses! (chocolate...and the real ones! ;] )
taking pictures...and getting a REALLY good one.
diamonds. (i still don't have any...but i like looking at them!)
getting a new outfit.
BIG PURSES!
pedicures & manicures.
getting my feelings off my chest, and not feeling guilty for it!
the feeling of the sun on my skin....mmmm.
bathing suits.
brownies!
caramel.
love so wonderful it physically makes you hurt :]]
long conversations on the phone.
a good cry.
friends that are there, no matter what.
andddd so much more.

what are some of your favorite things??

||graduations||

2009-05-28T09:13:00.010-05:00

it was richard's graduation party saturday...

thats him and his 'friend' haha. she bought him in iphone as a graduation present!

i am jealous, to say the least.

the kids were playing upstairs with josie :)

tony and pj were wrestling and tony got his lip busted! haha.

pj is probably the cutests lil kid i have ever met and i just want to take him home with me!!

he's got an ego tho...he knows he's hot stuff.

my cousin, sydney

my lovaaaaah

cousins, gabi & aser

hannnuuuhhhhh

hannah, my dad, and meeee!

ANDDDD, of course, we got into a dance party.

what do you expect???

we're the andersons, we're mexican, it always happens!

its inevitable. haha.

and we went to jessica's husband, john's graduation....

i only got one picture

the crawfish was spicy!
hahah.

||psalm 27||

2009-05-07T08:38:00.002-05:00

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.

The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close

Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

blog make-over!

2009-04-30T11:35:00.001-05:00

Go to Fabulous K's website to get a blog make-over!
She did Jessica's blog and its absolutely adorable!

||lots of things

2009-04-30T10:25:00.006-05:00

I got a kitty cat!

I named her Chloe -- she's so precious, but she's definitely a bundle of energy!

She's still in the "i want to pounce everything that moves" stage.

I need to get her nails trimmed, I have claw marks all over my hands.

I got her from a lady off of craigslist and she told me "oh she's litter trained AND she doesn't have fleas"

yeah, she lied to me. about both! chloe was INFESTED with fleas. it was possibly the most disgusting thing. I had to sit there and literally comb them all out.

thankfully, they seem to be gone, and i treated the carpet with borax and they don't seem to have come back! lets pray it STAYS that way!

My parents got a kitty cat!

A week after I got Chloe (who was 7 weeks when I got her), my parents got a 4 week old kitty! They originally thought it was a boy, so they named her Josiah...and when they realized it was a girl, they changed it to Josie! She's very young, and she cries a lot, and she's NOT potty trained and they were having to bottle feed her for a while, but she's super adorable.

Her eyes are still blue-blue!

I got Toms!
My amazing boyfriend bought me some Toms (he got the grey version of mine). I love them, they're so comfortable ! The best part about Toms, is that for every pair of shoes YOU buy, Toms sends a pair to a child in need! Two for one, its incredible. They are canvas/vegan as well :)

Hannah's are gold, mine are red -- yayy.

I got flowers!!
Let's go Administrative Assistants! To celebrate administrative Assistants week, the staff took us out to Rio Ranch -- oh my goodness, the breakfast buffet is A-MA-ZING! I ate like a little pig, and enjoyed every second of it. Rae gave me some beautiful roses and a fun balloon! It's nice to be appreciated!!

the Ed suite girls (minus Christen)

my boss, Cindy Ann Pitts

jess and her display of yummy food

My little brother got to go to "prom"
Since he's homeschooled, they call it a "gala" but its basically the same thing. You dress up, go to some place, eat food, dance, have fun. They should've had an after"prom" just for fun!! This is his girlfriend, Taylor -- she's so cute.

and lastly...

i got in a wreck.

ugh. yes, i know its only been 3 and 1/2 months.

It was raining REALLY hard and i was in san antonio and i was very confused and i thought i was turning, and i then i realized i wasn't, and so i thought i was in the turn/straight lane so i was like "ill just go straight" and then halfway through tony yells "mia, its a turn only!" and BAM! the guy NEXT to me was in the turn/straight lane and i was in the turn only.

he hit me, it was pouring rain when we exchanged infromation.

i was very upset.

my door has to be replaced.

i cry everytime i see my car.

i dont want to talk about it anymore.

onto happier things...
well. i can't tell you :)

you'll find out soon enough.

||easters||

2009-04-13T08:02:00.004-05:00

bella

my parents

bella & alyssa

mimi and the girls

happy easters!

i love easter...so much time with my family.

my favorite part is when we have our huge easter egg hunt.

and, i actually came [--] this close to NOT doing it yesterday!

thanks, mimi, for talking me into it :)

my rear is so sore from bending down, i'm so out of shape!

haha.

ALL the cousins...yes, all...line up at the door at our grandma's,

and we all RUSH outside to gather up as many egg's as we possibly can.

after we have exhausted the resources, we begin a rowdy game of smashing eggs filled with confetti on each others heads.

its hilarious.

my camera died before i could get pictures :(

on a sad side note, my mom hardly said two words to me.

there is a still a huge rift between us..

its really sad, and really painful because we were making so much progress.

i'm not going to end on that :)

so, alyssa (in the pictures above) is 5

and she is a mess.

she kept peeking outside to see where my aunts were hiding the eggs,

and mimi started teasing her and saying "oh, no, you're not going to be able to get eggs anymore, because you cheated!"
and alyssa started getting really upset and really defensive...

so then mimi's mom, my tia lupita, came in and said "well, maybe YOU'RE the one cheating mimi!"
at the moment, you could literally see the light bulb go off in alyssa's head...

her mouth dropped SO FAR DOWN and she says
"yeah, i didn't cheat! see? you're the one that cheated!"

hahahhahaha she jumped onto that so quick.

it was hilarious.

kids say the darndest things.

||happy one year||

2009-04-13T07:51:00.002-05:00

happy one year tony :)
i love you so much.
it was an extremely difficult year,
and we went through a lot,
but it was still a ton of fun
and it has been so rewarding.

thank you for being my best friend.

thank you for fighting for me.

||chaos||

2009-04-01T07:49:00.002-05:00

last night,
i went to bed with a heart of chaos.

i have been reading a book called Chasing Daylight (thanks becky!)
and i love it.
it has given me so much food for thought,
and a completely different perspective on things...
some of my favorite parts...

"...Jesus calls us to live a life of unimaginable adventure. It begins the moment we choose to follow him. It is no less than to pass from existence to life" (quotations mine)

"The present moment is where the past and the future collide, and within a moment there is monumental potential. Thats the mystery of a moment. It's small enough to ignore and big enough to change your life."

"The prostitute Rahab, in one defining moment, through one life-altering decision, began a journey that brought her everything she had lost and more than she could ever have imagined. At our worst, good is only one decision away." (that, quite frankly, blew me away.)

Well, that is only the first chapter! I know, good stuff.
The second chapter is on initiative.
Here is where I am struggling.
I referred to choices and decisions I am going to have to make in some earlier posts...
and throughout the past couple of weeks,
they've just been very present and foremost in my mind.
Well, while reading all of this, of course I'm thinking about these decisions!

So then comes the part about...we, as humans, can do nothing to thwart God's sovereignty.
Right. I agree with that.
So, whatever decisions we make....can do nothing to mess up God's will.
Ok, and now I'm just thinking "out loud" here.
So does that mean everything is predestined???
I mean, I fully believe God gave us free will.
But, if God knew we were ultimately going to follow Him...and THAT was his sovereign plan...and nothing can mess up his sovereignty...did we ultimately even have a choice?

And bigger plan aside, what about the smaller plans....
If we're following God, and if we're in line with God's will...
everything we do will coordinate with that, right?
McManus quite bodly even states,
"To put it crassly, when you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want."
That one stopped me.
Where does our human nature come into play at this point?
What about our sin?
Yes, when we're madly in love with God, our desires become HIS desires...
but we're not perfect.
Surely, there is going to be imperfect desire, and to act upon that desire would be sin,
and so....is that sin part of God's plan????

lfkjagjl;gjkl'agjalgjka;gjka.
yes, ^ thats my opinion on things.
and growing up in an extremely conservative household,
making choices that are out of the ordinary and could possibly ruin God's plan for my life
is WRONG.WRONG.WRONG. and all my upbring is SCREAMING at me,
to play it safe, don't go somewhere where you can get burned!!!!!!!!!!!

so then the next paragraph that gets to me is this one
"Those men and women whose lives you admire, who somehow seem to live life to the fullest, would probably be the first to tell you they are no different from you and me. It's not about talen or giftedness or intelligence; its about moving out of passivity into activity." (again, emphasis mine)
earlier, he stated it much more succinctly,
"just do something" and "take initative"

so....i'm going to bed last night...
and i'm thinking about all of this and i'm feeling so...
scrambled!!!
choices.choices.choices.choices!!!
ok, just do something.
its that simple.
i want the heart of God, and I am seekin God's character...
all i have to do is move.
easy enough, right??

so...i wake up this morning,
i shower,
i pray..."God...help me make sense of all of this!"
and God...
being a humorous God... :)
well, He gives me THIS in our morning devotional...
first line...BAM!

"waiting quielty is not what most of us do best. we prefer to be activitsts...."
WHAT???????????? GOD! this is not making things clearer!!
so, i read on, and you know,
its talking about don't take the easier path (believe me, 'just doing something' wouldnt be),
decisions are rarely instantaneous,
its against our nature to wait, and....
we must let Him take the initiative by preparing the way before us."
(ok, remember mcmanus is saying...take initiative...my devo is saying let God take initiative...can you understand why i'm getting conflicting messages here??)
the quote of the day says
"simply wait upon Him. In doing so, we shall be directed, supplied, protected, corrected, and rewarded." - vance havner

ok God.
what in the world are you telling me?
so...here is the deal.
I'm going to stop the chaos!
i truly desire the Lord's will in my life. I desire the passion of a life that is lived for Him.
and so I am cutting the world out.
for a week, I am not goin to watch any tv shows (other than the news),
or listen to any secular music (goodbye rihanna!),
or even read any books (other than school).
i'm going to pour myself into His word....
immerse myself in worship music.
and get peace.
peace that surpasses all understanding.

feel free to ask me how i'm doing to keep me accountable.
if i slip up, i'm going to start the week over.
i just want God.
thats it.

||so happy together||

2009-03-25T10:39:00.001-05:00

tony is coming in this weekend :D
howeverrrrr i'm going to be pretty darn high the whole time.
i'm getting all four wisdom teeth removed.
i'm really nervous,
but i'm so glad i'm finally getting them out!

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

||hurt||

2009-03-20T08:18:00.003-05:00

i just found out yesterday that my family has been saying some pretty mean things about me.
when i heard it...the first words out of my mouth were 'i dont care'.
and then i burst into tears.

it hurts,
knowing that my family thinks that poorly of me.
i don't know why i have such a people pleasing complex.
i hate for people to be dissatisfied, or unhappy with me,
and heaven forbid they disapprove.
i hate it.
ever since i was a little girl,
all i wanted was for people to like me.

after crying for about an hour....
i just laid on my bed.
i started praying
and i realized...
God knows my heart.
He knows what i have and i have not done.
i realized, that there is no need for me to justify myself
because i am already justified by jesus christ.
there is no way i can ever prove to these women that my actions are pure,
because if there are looking for a reason to gossip, they will.
all i can do is try to live beyond reproach.

but i just realized...
can i handle it?
if i choose to make a life decision that may seem wrong to everyone else,
can i handle the disapproval that i know my entire family is going to throw at me?
but why does it matter?
it shouldn't.
but why does it.
they're not living my life,
they're not going to regret my mistakes.
i will.

i just want peace that surpasses all understanding.

||ramblings||

2009-03-19T08:14:00.002-05:00

i like to be in control.
i want to know that what is supposed to be in front of me,
will be in front of me.
when i don't know what is going on,
i feel blind. and scared.

making decisions that involve risk, the unknown,
and possibly disaproval,
scare me witless.
i don't want to be there.
but i'm tired of being here.
in a place where, even though i know what is going on,
i want to cry everytime i have to do this again.
i enjoy adventure,
i enjoy exploring new territories.
i want to be what God has called me to be.
but that means letting go. that means not being in control.
that means letting God.

for those of who actually read this...
please be praying that God will open doors where they are supposed to be open,
and shut them where they are not.
and most of all...please pray that i will have wisdom.

_____________________________________
on another note,
my dad sent out an email to my mom telling her about his trip to costa rica.
he is loving every second of it!
yesterday, they were able to go minister to some people out in the mountains,
who have just been through a devasting earthquake.
he said he couldn't believe that in the midst of that tragedy,
every single person had a smile on their face.
it really made an impact on him.
he loved it up there, and he hopes to have an opportunity to go back.

and my parents are missing each other.
neither of them could sleep through the night!
its so cute :)

||gifts & haircut||

2009-03-17T08:29:00.003-05:00

tony got back from spring break in new york

and we exchanged gifts.

i made him this sweet pirate chest,

that i don't have pictures of.
i painted the top red, and put a pirate flag on it.

then i burned some gold paper and made a 'treasure map'

and wrote

'6 kisses for everyday you were gone,

200 pennies for everytime i missed you...x5,

and the best treasure of all, my heart'

and i put 6 chocolate kisses in the chest

i spray painted 200 pennies gold

and i painted a black heart with gold 'stitching'

and wrote 'forever yours'.
i'll take pictures next time i'm in SA.

i got a huge martini glass from the M&M store

and also...this shirt :)

thank you babes.

he came over sunday morning,

and we went grocery shoppping together

and i made a hugggggeeee breakfast!!!

pancakes, bacon, cinnamon, huevos rancheros, tortillas, and gingerale with pom mango juice.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

i got a new haircut!!

i'm not sure if i like it. i do and i don't. its definitely different! i realized though it was probably not the smartest time to get that style because summer is coming and i have no way to pin my bangs up! ahhh! but they'll grow out pretty quickly, im sure. i don't know that i'd ever get them done this way again :)

||hallelujah||

2009-03-16T08:05:00.002-05:00

my mouth is on the road to recovery.
:)
thank you sweet jesus.
i've never been more thankful in my life.
and i still love eating....
i value it so much more now.
and i'm not being facetious.

my dad left saturday morning for costa rica!
its his first mission trip!
its actually a rookie trip with our church.
he was SO excited, this is his first 'real' mission trip,
and he has always had such a huge heart to minister to spanish speaking countries.
richard is also gone,
to Arizona with Chris.
They're doing a youth conference over there and
Richard is helping lead worship :)
so most of the men at my mom's house are GONE!
she's pretty sad.

soooo monday is here.
and school begins again.
yayy.
i'm not ready :\

||i am not a scrub||

2009-03-11T18:43:00.003-05:00

trench mouth...
common in underdeveloped countries
and in WWI when soliders couldn't take care of their teeth.
rare nowadays in the usa.

great.
thats what i have.

i got the flu this past weekend...
and sunday, at the peak of my fever & pain etc,
i noticed my gums were swelling.
by sunday night,they were bleeding.
monday morning,extremely RED, swollen, and bleeding and i couldn't even talk.

the dentist told me i have ANUG.
Acute necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis.
otherwise known as trench mouth.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/MEDLINEPLUS/ency/article/001044.htm
shoot me.
the dentist asked me if i've been working a lot of hours,
and i told him i work full time, go to school part time.
he said...'that makes sense.'
basically,the reason i got this (and the flu)
is because my body is so worn out...

the site above says:
emotional stress
poor nutrition
throat, tooth, and mouth infections (the flu & my wisdom teeth).
among other things, which were not factors...

I AM NOT A SCRUB!
I BRUSH MY TEETH, i promise.
i guess just the culmination of everything aggravated this.

i am so hungry.
and i cant eat anything but soup.
i cant even talk right.
i think i've cried a hundred times today.
i've been sleeping most of the day
but when im not sleeping i have constant annoying pain.
and most of you know that i dont have a high pain tolerance
but even this....this ORAL RAWNESS THESE ULCERS THE BURNING SENSITIVITY.
im not exaggerating :)

i was going to go to work today...but my mouth wouldnt stop bleeding.
and my body is just still so physically exhausted.

please please be praying for me.

||mia got a kia||

2009-02-24T10:05:00.008-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't blogged as much as I would like...
I don't have internet at home, and work has been extremely busy as of late.

Or maybe not busy...but my name has been yelled out from an office, a LOT.

So i got a new car!
hallelujah!
Thank you Jesus.

I bought my old car in September of 07 for $1500.
She was Ol' Faithful.

It was a good first car. Old, but it got me from point a to point b!
In November, on the way home from watching Tony's family in the Nutcracker,
I was driving behind a truck,

who suddenly swerved into the next lane...

all i could see was a stalled car in the middle of the road,

and all i had time to do was slam on my brakes.

I hit the car, but not very hard, I bumped it more than anything.

Two seconds later, me and my sister Sophia were thrown forward,

and heard the crunch of metal hitting metal, when the person behind me slammed into my car.
Thankfully and amazingly, my car made it out ok,
all of the damage being hidden underneath the car.
The next month, someone backed into the side of my car while I was at Tony's mom's house.

They left no insurance information, nothing.

So...it took a really big hit on my pride to have to drive a rotten looking piece of junk around.

But I kept having to literally shove it down,
and STOP myself when I started saying or thinking something about it.
It was hard, and I'm not goin to lie, I didn't always succeed.
The auto adjuster told me my car was totaled,

the damages way exceeded the cost of the car.

Here is Ol' Faithful:

(yes you read that right --almost 230,00 miles!)

I knew that I had needed a new car, and I had wanted a new car for forever.

I wasn't comfortable driving that car long distances anymore,
and I just felt unsafe.

But how in the world was I going to be able to get a new car?!?!?!
I kept praying about it.

I was getting about $2100 in medical bills from the first accident in November,

and after they said my car was totaled, they said they would pay me what the car was worth --

minus:
the poor condition of the front tires

the second accident damage
the 'bubble' in my roof
my windshield crack

etc.
And if I wanted to KEEP my car, they would deduct that as well.

I looked up my car value on Kelly Blue Book -- $700.

I was freaking out, I was going to get what? $5 for my car?
GREAT!

Well, God remains the God of miracles.

They called and offered me $890, WITH keeping my car!

Awesome! Of course I'll take it!
So, at this point, I have about $3000 for a car.

Earlier in the year, Christen had told me about this thing called the Clean Air Act.
Basically, if you're car is older than 10 years and/or has failed an emissions test,

the state of Texas will give you $3,000 to get your car off the road!

I applied for this -- and I got accepted!
I received all of my car/insurance/Clean Air act money within the same week -- $6000!
God still gives more than we can ask, right?

My income taxes allowed me an extra $1,000 to put down.

PRAISE GOD! $7000.

So now...

all we need is to find me someone who will sell me a car.

easy enough, right?

not.

I started looking for used cars, I couldn't find anything that would work with the Clean Air Act...
I went to several dealerships, and I told them what I wanted to pay monthly....they practically laughed at me.
I felt discouraged. I had the money to put down, but a very limited budget, NO CREDIT, and no one who could sign for me.

I had been updating the Education ministry on the status of my car finding,

and Chad O. mentioned that he had a friend who owned Clear Lake Honda and

he was willing to put in a call for me.

Sure! I told him, but I figured it would be a dead end as well
-- why would he say anything different from anyone else?
....faith. I definitely learned a lesson about faith.
Mr. Tyrell, the owner, called me quickly after Chad had called him and

he really encouraged me and said that he would be willing to work with my circumstances!

I'm really excited now, and I'm trying to not get TOO excited,

but I'm not going to lie...I was super hopeful.

He set me up with his guys for that Saturday, February 14,

to meet with them, and get my paper work started.
My Tony ended up surprising me that weekend by coming home,

and so I was very thankful he came along for the ride, cause i definitely didnt want to alone!
It was awesome from the get-go.
We met with Dr. Will, our salesman,

who immediately asked if he could PRAY with us!
Seriously? Of course!

I was so blessed by that, knowing that I had a true man of faith working with me.
The people at the dealership explained to me that we were backing into this,

trying to figure HOW much I could afford, and what cars met my budget.
They didn't want to show me cars, get my hopes up, and then tell me I couldn't afford it.

Unfortunately, since I was a first time buyer, with no credit,
the banks that were willing to finance me were closed on the weekends...

and they would be closed the following Monday too, since it was President's day.
More waiting! Hopes down.
Dr. Will then leaned over and said "I often find with Christians, it never works out the first time. God's got to let us go through a little bit of trouble, so we can learn to have faith."
He was such an encouragement.

I kept praying, and hoping, and praying and hoping,

and finally...I received a call on Tuesday from the finance manager...

Would I be willing to come in tomorrow and meet with a credit union who will finace me?
Yes! I will be there!

So, wednesday morning, shaking and excited and scared, I headed out to Clear Lake.

I met Reggie, the finance manager, who actually TOOK time out of his DAY,

to ride with me to meet these credit unions.

He was very positive about the first one, and thought that if I could get financed,

these would be the people to do it!
Not so much.

They're 'evalution' of me got rejected.

I wanted to cry. I almost did.

Reggie smiled and said "Not to worry. I got a back up plan."

and he dialed some numbers and got an appoint for noon at the next credit union!

That gave us about an hour to kill, so he offered to take me out to lunch.

It was kind of awkward, at first,

but he started talking about his beautiful baby daughter, and his wife,

and his job, etc.

He eventually started sharing his testimony with me,

and said...
"If there is anything I can tell you, its that if its God's will, he will provide.
He will set everything into place."

I so needed to hear that.

Not just with the car, but with my life.
I've been struggling so much with where I should go, what I should do...

but God will set it into place.
So, God KNEW i was going to get rejected from that first union, just so I could have lunch and hear those words.
Thank you God, that your ways are NOT my ways!

thank you jesus.

We went to the second credit union,

and she hardly gave it a second thought...

'wow, you're financing more than half the car! ok, you don't have credit, but thats ok, its better than bad credit...ok! we can do this!"
....
....

...

....
....

....

....
....wait.

did she just say we can do this?
as in...

she's going to finance me?
as in...i'm getting a new car?

today?

oh my gosh!

thank you God! thank you Jesus!

i sat there shocked. stunned. shaking.

I just got financed.

More than that...my payments are EXACTLY where I needed them to be. Literally.
Not one penny, not one DOLLAR over.
the EXACT amount.

$150. Who has ever even heard of a car payment that small?

Very few.

Also, my interest rate is 8.5%
That's amazing for a FIRST TIME buyer!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was told that normal intereste rate for a first time buyer with no credit or cosigner is anywhere from 18%- 21%.
Chris also pointed out that 8 is the number of new beginnings,

and this is the new beginnign of my credit.

Before I left with my brand new car [my brand new car, i can't get over it],
Dr. Will came out and prayed with me again.

He prayed over my car, blessed it, asked for protection and prayed that

anyone who entered it would have a stronger relationship with God.

I felt so blessed.
This entire situation has had God's fingerprints all over it.
He knew i needed to wait to be at Honda Clear Lake,

he knew that I was going to get in those accidents so I could have those finances.

He knew the men who I was going to come into contact with, who would bless me and pour into my life.

God knew my needs, and he supplied and fufilled over and abundantly what I asked and needed.

Here is my new car!
(I haven't named her yet haha)

2009-02-10T09:47:00.002-06:00

I am outside...
and I've been waiting for the sun
and with my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
my mouth is dry
with words I cannot verbalize
tell me why we live like this?

keep me safe inside
your arms like towers
tower over me

cause we are broken
what must we do to restore
our innocence
and oh the promise we adored
give us life again
cause
we
just
wanna
be whole

lock the doors
cause I'd like to capture this voice
that came to me tonight
so everyone will have a choice.
and under red lights
i'll show myself it wasn't forged
we're at war
we live like this

And I'll take the truth at any cost!

cause we are broken
what must we do to restoreour innocence
and oh the promise we adored
give us life again
cause we just wanna be whole

[paramore]

||amen & amen||

2009-01-22T09:58:00.002-06:00

God has been doing amazing...incredible...wonderful things in my life.
After about a year and a half of being in the 'desert',
and having many, many moments of being driven to desperation,
I have finally reached a point of peace in my relationship with God.

After leaving Teen Mania,
I was so caught up in the pain of leaving behind
so many friends....
i loved these people, they were as close as family...
so dear to my heart.
I had experienced a lot of frustration at TM,
and I think I subconsciously directed a lot of this towards God.
Coming back home...
was overwhelming.
I felt so lost.
My relationship with God was strained,
I was lonely...and depressed.
My relationship with my parents was less than satisfactory.
Long story short,
the past year and a half, has been extremely difficult.
I have fought with my parents, fought with God,
moved in and out of houses three or four times.
I had no stability.

In October, Amy and I got an apartment together...
and it was pure hell for the both of us.
We fought about the stupidest things,
and we even went an entire month without talking at one point.
It was awful.
I know we both regretted it.
No one was at peace,
especially me.

Over Christmas break,
me and amy got into it BIG time...
and I left so ANGRY.
The next day, Chad Overton asked me how I liked living with a roommate...
I started complaining and saying how it was awful and he stopped me.
"I would really encourage you to show love to her. Go out of your way to show love, to serve her. Next time she asks you to do something, say ok...and do it with excellence and a cheerful heart"
So I heard him....but I was like "yeah. ok" and went on with my day.
Later on, God really convicted me...and I just keep hearing Chad's words in my head
over and over and over again.
Finally, I asked God to change my heart.
SOOO I went and bought Amy a key-lime pie from Luby's (her fave)
and I wrote her a note apologizing and offering her comprises that would work for us both.
She called me crying, "Mia...I just love you so much and I just want the best for you!"
Needless to say, things have been much better.
I feel like the lines of communication have been opened
and I have an awesome relationship with her once again.
It took a lot from BOTH of us, and it was so hard,
but it is SUCH a blessing to be able to look forward to coming home and
being able to share that time at home with her.
i love you amy!

im tearing up....
ok. collect myself.
haha.

So, admist all of this,
I am in the middle of learning how to not only be in a relationship,
but be in a long distance relationship.
Extremely difficult.
side note: one thing i've noticed...when your relationship with God is doing poorly, you're much more apt to act less maturely.l
Me and Tony were fighting a lot...
and mainly because I would start the argument over stupid petty inconsequential things.
Over Christmas break (again),
We got into it to the point of questioning the relationship.
At one point....I realized that I just needed to stop.
just...stop.
So, i didnt talk for a while....and then I apologized (which is very hard for me to do).
Tony sat there for a minute....
"Mia....I'm sorry that I've let it get to this point. I'm sorry that it HAD to get to this point for me to realize that we're missing something in this relationship. We've let God slip out of the center of our relationship...and the only way we're going to work is if He becomes the center again"
I just started crying...I love this man so much!
That night, he came over and we went to Panera Bread
and started our devotional and prayed together.
Since then, we have discussed our devotional and prayed together every night...
going on three weeks now.
tony has been so faithful to keep me accountable in this.
our relationship has improved so much in those three weeks,
its incredible.

Along with spending time with the Lord,
inevitably change comes along.
God has been convicting my heart of my attitude towards my parents,
and many times I should've have taken their advice, but I didnt.
My relationship with my parents has even improved.
There was brokeness there, so there has to be healing,
but we are both trusting that God will bring that when it is time.

Thank you JESUS! You are more than worthy of all the Honor, all the Glory and all the Praise!

||decisions||

2009-01-15T14:18:00.003-06:00

I am about to finish my applications for school.
I'll submit them tomorrow.
I'm so nervous!!
I am applying to University of Texas in San Antonio and Sam Houston State University.
I just want to make the right decision about where I am going.

It's also just a huge, scary, leap of faith!
I would be quitting my job
(shhhhhhhh for those of you who work with me!
please, keep everything under wraps for the moment!!)
and going to live on a campus,
and get a part time job....
and....
thats really scary.
i am fully independant,
i provide completely for myself (through God's provisions),
and i will be stepping away from my 'income',
and i'm going to have to rely on God for everything.
AHHHHHH
that makes my stomach hurt thinking about it.
i hate not being in control.

for the first time in a long time,
i am in a stable position.
i have a steady job,
and i have an apartment i can truly call my own.
i'm not worrying about where i am going to live in the next couple of months.
that is such a great feeling!

but i am ready to move on,
i am ready to go to school full time
and get my degree.
and THAT'S exciting!
i have SO enjoyed going to school these past few semesters.
i have enjoyed the knowledge i've accumulated,
the debates held in class,
and the friend i've made.
[side note: i have not enjoyed buying textbooks]
and so...knowing that is going to be my life completely,
makes me really happy.
like my cousin said at christmas "college is a lifestyle"
its so true!
and i'm excited that i'm finally goin to be able to experience that.

but making that decision really does unnerve me a bit.
if i go to utsa, i'll know people already...
since i've been there several times to visit tony.
if i go to sam, i wont...
i know it wont be hard to make friends,
but its still just another factor to add to the 'scary' part of it.
haha.

anyways, if you're reading this, please just keep me in your prayers
as i make the huge transition in my life.

thanks!

picture tag!

2008-12-15T11:47:00.005-06:00

Jessica tagged me!

So the object of this Picture Tag is to:
1. Go to the 4th folder in your computer where you store your pictures.
2. Pick the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

Here is my 4th picture in my 4th folder:

This was my Honor Academy graduation -- this was my second year there, i was graduating from Ministry Team (traveling around doing the Acquire the Fire tour), and i was so happy to be free. we're all really excited, as you can see. from l to r: diana alex, bradley, me, and benjamin batdorff. Brad was the only one on my actual team (we were blue team, the other two in the picture were red team) -- he is an amazing guy and gave great hugs. I miss him.

So I'm going to tag:
Becky
Nancy
Kelly
Kailee

Tag, you're it!

2008-12-09T08:02:00.003-06:00

i am just so frustrated.
all of my life, i have lived in this shadow
of caring too much about what people think.
it has become a part of who i am,
unfortunately, and i am tired of it.
all of my life, people have told me
'stop caring what people think'
and so i try to stop, so those people will think more highly of me.
ultimately,
i have to stop because i have to find peace.

i am so tired of basing my life on that.
but where do i draw the line between
caring too much and caring too little?
i've been accused of being careless
with her feelings, his feelings, their feelings.
and im so selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
sometimes, i feel like those words have been thrown at me so much,
i really just dont want to care about that, especially.
of course im selfish...im a human freaking being.
i am trying.
with everything in me, i do not want to live selfishly.
but i feel like i have been run over
and guilt tripped.

please hear me loud and clear:
stop guilt tripping me.
it doesnt work in your advantage.

but.
you know when you see someone acting so stupidly?
and you sit back and say "how can they not see....?"
what if im that person?
what if i cant see?

oh, please, if i am that person,
lord open my eyes.

i have desires.
i have dreams
and wishes
and i want to live this life fully.
i want to EXPERIENCE.
and i dont see why that is wrong.
i know where right and wrong fall...
and ultimately, if i choose wrong,
then i am going to have to answer for that
on whatever level that may be.
and yes...
i suppose, that is selfish in a way.
but why am i selfish, when i dont give up my will, for someone else's
when the other person is holding me back for their gain?
i dont know.
im having a really hard time.

||this weekend||

2008-11-21T10:08:00.002-06:00

this weekend, i plan to:
CLEAN my car
clean my room & bathroom
finish washing clothes
fold & put away clean clothes
buy hangers to hang clothes up with!
write my immigration paper
pick a psych topifc & begin writing paper
do math homework & begin review sheet
buy tires
grocery shopping
buy face moisterizer
buy a new belt [seriously my black belt is about to rip in two :( ]
go watch the nutcracker
SLEEPSLEEPSLEEP
finish a million little pieces
& finally, after all is completed....
relax.

2008-11-19T10:23:00.001-06:00

||birthday wishes||

2008-10-21T08:45:00.002-05:00

so my birthday is coming up

and i for the past couple of years i haven't really wanted anything specifically

but i was writing a list for my mom...

and here are some of the items on my wishlist this year!

black bookshelf
black computer desk
black floor length antique style oval mirror
white & green bath towels
white or silver 'over the toilet' etagere
WORK CLOTHES!
WORK SHOES [ie. new black pumps & flats]
a NEW PURSE
LG VU
a new car

HEY a girl can dream, can't she??
:D

||desperate||

2008-09-10T19:12:00.005-05:00

Desperation.
When I think of that word in context of a woman…

I think someone who is begging for love, who is hopeless, who is driven to extremes - who is so far gone that she will do anything to get what she needs…
She is someone I do not want to be.

I want to be a strong woman.
I want to be self-sufficient.
I want others to look at me and know I do not need them.
I do not want to be desperate for attention.
I do not want to be desperate for love.

Yet, all too often...
That is exactly who I am.
And I have hated myself for it…
And I have hated those women who are just like me.
I see them everyday…
from young teenage girls, to young women, to older women.
Looking for acceptance and love in all the wrong places.
I see it in their eyes…
And I just want to cry out
“THERE IS A LOVE THAT SURPASSES THE LOVE OF THIS WORLD!!”

But my lips don’t move…my mouth dries up…my heart stops…
Because I allow myself to hear the lie…
“you can’t say anything…because you are just like them.
You are no better than they are”

NO!
Oh god, wretched sinner that I am…
Then the smallest…tiniest whisper happens..
So small a voice that I must concentrate to hear it…

In him….in my Jesus….I have redemption through his blood!
the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God's grace.
[Ephesians 1:7]

Yet the whisper is drowned out by the lies…
the lies that flaunt, that scream, that so position themselves as to capture my full attention…again.
And again.again. again.
And instead of love, I am filled with despise.
Because I see the women who are just like me
And knowing that there is a LOVE that is greater…
I have not allowed it to change me,
And…I become less than they are.
They are unaware.
I am just rebellious.

These are the thoughts that I struggle with… day in and day out.
I know the Truth.
It is all head knowledge

.…for God so loved the world…
…saved by grace…
…through Jesus Christ…
…more than conquerors…
…broken and contrite heart…
…Love that is stronger than death…

Wait.
A Love…
That is…
stronger than death.
I am driven to find that verse again…
To let its balm heal the wounds of my soul

…Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised.

[Isaiah 8:6-7]

Thank you, God….for a love that will never end.

As I sit and just again meditate on those verses…
timeless verses that never fail to bring me joy or hope…
The verse I memorized in conjunction with this…
Is stirred again in my mind…

A story of a prostitute…
Joined with a man of God.
She continually left Love
To sleep with lust.

A story of Israel
Forsaking their Love
For cheap wine
And short-lived pleasure.

Yet God…with a love that is not quenched…
With a fire that is most vehement…
Could not be persuaded from pursuing his Bride…
Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“ And it shall be, in that day,” Says the LORD,
“ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master,’
For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals,

And they shall be remembered by their name no more.

In that day I will make a covenant for them

With the beasts of the field, With the birds of the air, And with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth,

To make them lie down safely.
“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy;
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy;
Then I will say to those who were not My people,‘ You are My people!’
And they shall say, ‘You are my God!’”

[hosea 2:14-20;23]

Oh that I would [know] the Lord, my God.
that the names of Baal would be removed from my mouth…
and I shall remember their names no more.
that no longer will i call him master...
but instead...my husband!
the celebration of my soul and the longings of my heart.

Desperation.
When I think of this word in context for God…
This is who I want to be.
Hopeless without God, driven to extremes to know His character, desperate for His love, and Willing to do anything to get to know this Love.
I want to be so consumed that the lies are drowned out by the whisper…

The timeless Truth will prevail.

I was bought with a price [1 corinthians 6:20]
He has engraved me in the palms of his hands [isaiah 49:16]
I am loved with an everlasting Love [jeremiah 31:3]

His Love is poured out freely.

I shall never stop saying…
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you.

[how many times have I written about these verses, only to learn more and more again and again? Thank you, Shan, you are the one who first showed me these two in particular.]

||new beginnings||

2008-08-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

just a couple of updates:

first, my car is fine, thank goodness!
it was incredible because the day after it broke down,
tony left for the lakehouse...
so i kept his car that week.
god's provision, for sure.
i ended up picking his dad up and it took him
TWO SECONDS to start my car!
it was something inconsequential....
something was touching something that shouldn't have been touching.
but...he ended up fixing my a/c as well!!
praise the lord.
now, its TOO cold! i can't keep the windows from fogging up sometimes.
haha.
hey. it works.

school...
uhhhh.
well i paid for half of it...
and i've got ALMOST all my books.
but i shopped around and definitely got the best prices!
about $150 for the textbooks, when it was originally almost $300 used from the bookstore.
school starts monday!
i realized i have math on mondays. WHAT a horrible way to start the week!
haha.

tony leaves for school tomorrow.
:[
its going to be hard, but we're both really willing to put forth the effort to make this work.
i'll only miss him for a week, though, because i'm hoping to go visit him the 29th -
its the friday after his birthday, and that monday is a holiday for the office
(hooray for labor day)

Me and Amy put in the deposit for our apartment yesterday
and I filled out the application.
I'm really hoping they don't turn me down because my job history looks terrible right now!
6 months at my current job, and 7 months at my previous (Starbucks manager).
blah.
I'm also trying to figure out how long of a lease I want to sign --
and it all depends on when I want to go to school full time???
july '09 or january '10?
i really don't know the answer to that.
blah.
and it depends if me and tony are still dating by then,
will i want to go to school with him at UTSA?
or go to sam houston?
questions, questions, questions.
ANYWAY, i can't wait to move into the apartment and finally have room to stretch my feet again!
not that living with amy has been all that bad, it really hasn't.
but it will be nice to have a real closet again.
we'll each also have our own bathrooms, which will be bliss for her,
and exciting for me -- I finally get to decorate my own bathroom!
I'm going to buy a new bedspread for myself too....
i'm thinking black and white.

my mom is recovering from her surgery and she's doing really well.
she's still not able to do everything she wants to do,
but she's in a lot less pain than she used to be in.
although, she still get really tired.
hannah, joshua, and sophia are all going to public school --
for the first time!!!
crazy.
sophia is really excited about getting her own locker.
her and josh both have to wear uniforms for school, since they're in middle school.
hannah gets to sport her own stuff.
i can't believe she's going to be a sophomore.
and richard just turned 18.
oh my goodness, i'm getting old.

ok, i need to get back to work.

Real Simple Daily Thought

2008-08-18T09:11:00.002-05:00

August 18, 2008
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
— Janos Arany

2008-08-06T13:43:00.001-05:00

loves life!!

||discouraged||

2008-08-06T13:18:00.002-05:00

i feel really frustrated and discouraged.
i'm overwhelmed.
my car is broken...
i'm going to pick up tony's dad tonight and
hopefully he can start it and take it back to work on it...
but it has to be fixed by next monday night...
otherwise, i'm in deep poop.
its just so frustrating!
i don't have money to fix it, really,
because of the wedding this weekend.
and i wish i could just have a new car...
i don't know if the lord is trying to teach me about
pride or patience or what
but its hard.hard.hard.hard.
i wish i had a fairy godmother to just pour$5000 in my lap
not to buy a new car
but at least one that will run consistently and i can drive out of the city.
it doesn't work that way though.
i have to work for what i want...
and i have to get enough credit for what i want...
and its going to be a while.

school is going to be a lot more expensive that last semester.
i have to put down $210 for a deposit
(I'm doing a payment plan...classes are $420 overall)
and my government book is about $100
my pysch book is about $100
and my math book is about $50
and the lab costs $150.
Thats $400 for books...and plus that $210
thats a lot of money out of this next paycheck.
ughhh.

i know the lord provides.
he always, always does.
faithful.
but my heart!
be still my heart.
i have never gone without what i need.

so lovely....

2008-08-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

waking up at 6:45
putting on makeup
getting dressed
walking out the door at 7:21
and getting to the park and ride
at 7:32

eleven minutes.
ya heard???
eleven beautiful wonderful minutes
from my apartment (that i share)
to where i meet the girls to carpool.
thank you jesus.
life has become slightly more beautiful.
*******************************

||pan the man||

2008-07-28T13:48:00.003-05:00

apparently, hook the movie was on this weekend.
my favorite movie -- in the world!

"you really are the pan...
you can fly...
you can fight...
and you can..."
*CROW*

yes, peter pan is my hero.
the first time i ever watched a peter pan movie,
was the disney version...
and i was SURE that it was my destiny to marry this wonderful, life loving redheaded boy.
unfortunately, i grew up.
he lives in neverland and i...don't.

for a brief period of time, i had the best opportunity --
i was able to be in the play!
to my dismay, i did NOT land the part of peter,
but the part of one of the lost twins.
i was cute, nonetheless.
(i was an indian once too. talk about important!)

i wish i could pursue life with peter's attitude...
"to live...to live would be an awfully great adventure"
"to die would be a great adventure"
he is without fear, and jumps to the greatest challenges.
and although he is definitely not without his faults,
his charm is overwhelming.

wendy is gracious, and beautiful, and loving.
she makes a perfect mother to peter...
even though she ended up falling in love with him..
(my amazing friend melissa is the embodiment of wendy)
he never knew because she kept growing up
(THATS the problem with marriages! the boys think they live in neverland and never grow up! haha jkkkkk)
and eventually, when he decided to grow up,
she was already married...with children...and grandchildren.
he married her granddaughter, moira.

in the movie hook,
toodles has lost his marbles and "forgotten how to fly"
thudbutt's mom is his "happy thought"
rufio finally surrenders his sword
jack teaches the pirates how to play baseball
tinkerbell becomes human size
but most important,
peter remembers he grew up and becomes a lost boy again!

he remains my favorite, to this day.
as tinkerbell so aptly states,
"you know that place between sleep and awake,
the place where you can still remember dreaming?
that's where I'll always love you, peter pan.
thats where I'll be waiting."

[second star to the right, and straight on till morning]

||update||

2008-07-23T10:03:00.003-05:00

goodness, its been more than a month since i last posted.

life has been crazy.hard. beautiful. fulfilling. interesting.
i moved out of my parent's house on june 1st.
i rented a room in a house, near my parent's,
so it wasn't too much of a jump.
i don't really want to go into why i moved...
ongoing situation. lack of understanding. lack of self control.
its no one's fault, really. we're both to blame.
its getting better, our relationship, as time passes.

it was really interesting,
a couple of weeks before camp,
a mother came in to the office to sign her daughter up for camp,
and i began talking to her...
it was ASTONISHING how alike our lives had been.
she had been homeschooled all her life,
with very strict, very religious parents in a home very similar to mine.
while we both loved our families very much,
after being homeschooled for seventeen years
and being with them DAY IN DAY OUT, we both left at that age,
with neither of our parents liking it.

long long long story short,
she encouraged my quest to find my faith and
make it my own,
to make sure that i didn't believe christianity
simply because that was how i'd been raised.
she encouraged me to search the Bible for truths
and to question the morals and test it against the Bible.
she said that certain things she had been raised to believe,
she didn't necessarily agree with.
and thats ok, she said.
she said that her relationship with her parents, now,
is great! she loves her mom and her dad.
her two younger siblings, are still searching for the Lord,
but she says she's afraid it may be from the lack of grace in her household.
she homeschools her four kids
(all of them named after fictional literary characters -- its charming!)
and stays at home with them.
her relationship with God is evident.

it gave me a lot of hope -- because thats who i want to be.

anyways....
other than that, i've been doing well!
i received a bonus and a raise at my job --
i paid off my medical debt and my car!
so that ugly, beautiful, piece of junk "old faithful" is officially mine.
i got internet!
so i'm hopefully establishing "credit" with ATT
so next year, when my parent's contract ends,
i'll be able to purchase my own phone/account
without having to put down $500 for a deposit!!!!

i am moving in with my cousin, amy, this weekend.
i'll live in the little corner in the living room for a while,
until we move to a different apartment :].
we're looking at apartments this weekend,
just to check out prices and stuff.
but if we were to transfer to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath at her current place,
we'd pay $925 a month,
and i'm not sure we're goin to find a better deal than that!
i'm really excited!
i know that this is going to be more of a permanent situation
and i'm going to be able to decorate my room,
and my bathroom,
and make it look cute and beautiful and
my own.
but for now,
while i'm living in the living room,
i'm going to to go to ikea and buy a small wardrobe and that will suffice.

i also signed up for college classes yesterday:
my schedule is as follows
Monday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Tuesday - Government 5:30 - 6:50
Wednesday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Thursday - Government 5:30 - 6:50, Psychology 7 - 10
Busy, busy! Can't wait. I know I'm absolutely going to dread it, while i'm in the midst of it,
but at least I feel smarter and I'm heading towards a goal.
I would like to go to school either August '09, or January '10 and
i would like to enter in as a sophomore, at least.

tony leaves for school in a month.
its a bummer for me, but i'm so excited for him,
college life is grand...and the campus is excellent.
i can visit him, of course,
although with my car....trips will be limited!
his sister, i'm sure will drive up there,
and nadim's girl is too (not sure that will be too comfortable though haha!).
we're going to try to stick it out, see what happens.
thats one thing though, i'm so thankful for...
i can trust him and i know that.
there is not a doubt in my mind that tony would ever cheat on me.
he's so faithful.
my own insecurities plague me of course...
college girls are so beautiful, smart, busty, and PRESENT!
honestly though...if tony were to ever be in a position to cheat on me...
which i doubt he would place himself in...
i trust him enough that i know he'd think of me before himself.
and im trusting god.
period.

ehhhhhhhhhh thats all i guess.

||do you realize||

2008-06-05T08:43:00.003-05:00

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do you realize?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize?

||candy canes||

2008-05-25T12:54:00.003-05:00

i hate.

gross.

candy canes.

bad moods.

that come along.

mean swings.

uncontrollable.

im a mean horrible person sometimes.

the end.

||road trip||

2008-05-23T08:21:00.003-05:00

today...
i embark on a journey...
to see my best friend.
i haven't seen her since november 24, 2007.
this weekend..
we will laugh a lot.
and live.
just live.
i cannot wait.

pray for truth this weekend.
for clarity.
discernment.
love despite.
courage.
peace.

im a war,
of head versus heart,
and it's always this way.
my head is weak,
my heart always speaks,
before I know what it will say.
(crooked teeth - deathcab for cutie)

healing heart

2008-05-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

sometimes...
i think my heart is healed,
and that I moving on with life,
but then they are days like today...
when i can barely stop the tears from coming.
my heart...it aches.
i miss my team.

true blue...
you have truly stolen my heart.
it has been ten months and some odd days
since my team has been together.
despite the distance,
despite missed calls and time differences,
despite our ever changing lifestyles and circumstances,
our love for each other is still strong.

there are times i lie awake and bed
just ache to hear the low rumble
of our beloved Shaniqua (the beautiful black bus)
and get to share my super tiny bed with kristy
and our millions of pillows and blankets.
i wish i could wake up again only to laugh at the fact that
she is, quite literally, frozen to the window.

i long the for the simplicity of life when i lived off of $5 a day.
when...i knew the only meals i could order would be off the $1 menu
so i could save my allottment to buy a new article of clothing for the weekend.

the thrill, the exhilaration, the honor of being onstage in front of thousands,
portraying a teenage girl of God, living righteously, without shame...
i will forever miss that.
i remember drama warm ups...
and being behind stage...about to go up...
feeling that jitter and the rush in my body.
or the time when my mic broke (on live tv!) and coming offstage
feeling so exhausted and spent but absolutely satisfied.

i miss walking around the cities with kailee
and taking absurd amounts of pictures of ourself.
i miss late night talks with melissa.
i miss hanging out on the weekend with matt.
i miss touching jons 'sexy abs'.
i miss walking the concourse.
i miss brad's hugs.
i miss jebba's hugs.
i miss mindy and her insanity.
i miss deb and the way she was so protective of me.
i miss joeangel and his quirks.
i miss laughing with and at clark.
i miss friday morning rehearsals.
i miss my in-ears.
i miss host homes.
i miss wendy and her love letters from pookie-jackson.
i miss washing my face everynight in the walmart bathrooms.
i miss waking up and having no idea what state im in.
i miss doing crazy things like hide and go seek at 3am in the nissan pavilion.
i miss being dirty all the time. (ok maybe not?)
i miss not wanting to the feel the heat with somebody,
but be in heat with somebody.
i miss being surrounded by 30+ of the most godly beautiful real people
i have ever known.

i do NOT miss spaghetti every weekend.
i do NOT miss waking up every sunday morning super early
i do NOT miss letting the beds down
if i could have killed someone, i would have.

but what a small price to pay a most wonderfully, blessed year.
what i would give...to go back and fully appreciate the wonder of what i had.

new developments

2008-05-20T10:33:00.002-05:00

so...

this still undecided...
but it is something I will be praying about very hard...
but...

i am going to try to go to school full time in August '09!
yayyyy.

i went to go talk to a counselor yesterday
er...advisor
(counselors are for people on probations...definitely NOT me.)
and we made a plan that i will take:

1 class this summer
3 this fall
3 next spring
2 next summer

and thennnn i will be entering Sam Houston (hopefully, cause i have NOT applied) as a sophomore! i think this is the direction i have been praying for...
but i shall keep praying, to make sure, and i would love it if you prayed too!

sanguine!

2008-05-16T14:01:00.002-05:00

so we started talking about personality types today in the office...
I already knew I was sanguine---
quick, impulsive, and relatively short-lived reactions.
yeah. thats me.
but i decided to do the test anyways...

i am sanguine/melancholy:

The Extrovert The Talker The Optimist

The Sanguine's Emotions
Appealing personality
Talkative, Storyteller
Life of the Party
Good sense of humor
Memory for color
Physically holds on to listener
Emotional and demonstrative
Enthusiastic and expressive
Cheerful and bubbling over
Curious
Good on stage (hey hey, anna rose?)
Wide-eyed and innocent
Lives in the present
Changeable disposition
Sincere at heart
Always a child

The Sanguine As A Parent

Makes Home Fun
Is liked by children's friends
Turns disaster into humor
Is the circus master

The Sanguine At Work

Volunteers for Jobs
thinks up new activities
Looks great on the Surface
Creative and colorful
Has energy and enthusiasm
Starts in a flashy way
Inspires others to join
charms others to work

The Sanguine As a Friend

Makes friends easily
Loves People
Thrives on compliments
Seems exciting
envied by others
Doesn't hold grudges
apologizes quickly
Prevents dull moments
Likes spontaneous activities

weaknesses:

The Sanguine's Emotions

Compulsive talker
Exaggerates and elaborates
Dwells on trivia
Can't remember names
Scares others off
Too happy for some
Has restless energy
Egotistical
Blusters and complains
Naive, gets taken in
Has loud voice and laugh
Controlled by circumstances
Gets angry easily
Seems phony to some
Never Grows Up

The Sanguine As A Parent

Keeps home in a frenzy
Forgets children's appointments
disorganized
Doesn't listen to the whole story

The Sanguine At Work
Would rather talk
forgets obligations
Doesn't follow through
Confidence fades fast
Undisciplined
Priorities out of order
Decides by feelings
Easily distracted
Wastes time talking

The Sanguine As a Friend

Hates to be alone
Needs to be center stage
Wants to be popular
Looks for credit
dominates conversations
Interrupts and doesn't listen
answers for others
Fickle and forgetful
Makes excuses
Repeats stories

ok. this is so me. like...to the T almost.
i'm not so much melancholy...
but the things that i am:

musical
high standards
persistent
makes friends cautiously
faithful and devoted
appreciative of beauty
seeks ideal mate (uh..yes.)
schedule oriented
likes charts, graphs, figures, lists, etc.
moody and depressed
low self image
hard to please
deep need for approval
full of contradictions
skeptical of compliments
self centered

wow.
yeah.
this is kuh-razy.
at the HA, we'd always be like "oh they're so melancholy" "they're so sanguine" -- its almost used too frequently there. I haven't thought of it in a while,and its really interesting to see again!

2008-05-14T09:38:00.002-05:00

i truly enjoy my job.
i love what i get to do,
the atmosphere im in,
especially the girls i work with.
and i definitely do not mind working with my boss,
at all.
but...seriously, she has got to be the most...interesting (for lack of a better word)..person.
"oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook"
i have a hard time not laughing out loud when i'm around here,
she cracks me up.
sure, she frustrates me sometimes,
but hey...tell me what boss doesn't!
and, im so glad God opened this door...
i wouldn't give it up for anything.
(ok, MAYBE europe!)

ON ANOTHER NOTE ~

I'm really struggling with what to do for my best friend's wedding.
(ha. thats a movie.)
I do not support her marriage.
but she is my best friend.
and she wants me to be her maid of honor.
last night, i was talking to another friend,
who isn't very close, but i know him fairly well,
and he told me that by me standing to the in the wedding,
that i am condoning the marriage.
he reminded me that when someone turns from truth,
and refuses to follow,
then they are an enemy of God,
and, when we have done all we can do,
we are to have nothing to do with them.
see, my problem is,
maybe this IS the right guy, maybe this IS who she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with.....
but this isn't the time, this isn't the right way.
but i've said all i can say...if she chooses to go through with the marriage,
she will know what i think...
but i also want her to know that i love her unconditionally.
jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors...
they were enemies of god...
can i not show my love for her through this?
because, her marriage is for good...
and i don't want to tear apart our friendship forever becase of this.
this is tearing me up.

[as strong as death]

2008-03-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

Place me like a seal over heart,
like a seal upon your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.

song of songs 8:6-7

my heart cannot,
will not,
be satisfied
until i experiance this love.

my life tends to be a rollercoaster of emotions,
one day i'm good and all my struggles seem so far away,
and the sky is so close...
next thing you know,
ive gone through a loop and
im dangerously close to crashing to the ground.

my mind.
its a battlefield.
i know who i am.
but do i really?
the person i see in the mirror
...who is she?
those are questions,
i sometimes cannot answer.

i have a hole in my heart.
its a hole only He can fill.
but i must, i must, i MUST,
allow him to heal me,
to renew me,
to transform the image i see in the mirror.

when i am grounded in a love that is
stronger than death
only then will i experience
that which will satisfy.
i mean, really,
what human, what thing, what knowledge, what encounter...
provides a love that is STRONGER THAN DEATH?

our God is a jealous God.
he craves our love,
just as much as we crave his.
when i wander,
when i take a step away,
he hurts.
it pains him....
but he will never give up....
as enduring as the grave

oh god.
thank you.
thank you for loving a wretched sinner like me.

he has made everything beautiful in its time...

[im sorry, its just a ramble of emotions right now]