||new beginnings||

just a couple of updates:

first, my car is fine, thank goodness!
it was incredible because the day after it broke down,
tony left for the lakehouse...
so i kept his car that week.
god's provision, for sure.
i ended up picking his dad up and it took him
TWO SECONDS to start my car!
it was something inconsequential....
something was touching something that shouldn't have been touching.
but...he ended up fixing my a/c as well!!
praise the lord.
now, its TOO cold! i can't keep the windows from fogging up sometimes.
haha.
hey. it works.

school...
uhhhh.
well i paid for half of it...
and i've got ALMOST all my books.
but i shopped around and definitely got the best prices!
about $150 for the textbooks, when it was originally almost $300 used from the bookstore.
school starts monday!
i realized i have math on mondays. WHAT a horrible way to start the week!
haha.

tony leaves for school tomorrow.
:[
its going to be hard, but we're both really willing to put forth the effort to make this work.
i'll only miss him for a week, though, because i'm hoping to go visit him the 29th -
its the friday after his birthday, and that monday is a holiday for the office
(hooray for labor day)

Me and Amy put in the deposit for our apartment yesterday
and I filled out the application.
I'm really hoping they don't turn me down because my job history looks terrible right now!
6 months at my current job, and 7 months at my previous (Starbucks manager).
blah.
I'm also trying to figure out how long of a lease I want to sign --
and it all depends on when I want to go to school full time???
july '09 or january '10?
i really don't know the answer to that.
blah.
and it depends if me and tony are still dating by then,
will i want to go to school with him at UTSA?
or go to sam houston?
questions, questions, questions.
ANYWAY, i can't wait to move into the apartment and finally have room to stretch my feet again!
not that living with amy has been all that bad, it really hasn't.
but it will be nice to have a real closet again.
we'll each also have our own bathrooms, which will be bliss for her,
and exciting for me -- I finally get to decorate my own bathroom!
I'm going to buy a new bedspread for myself too....
i'm thinking black and white.

my mom is recovering from her surgery and she's doing really well.
she's still not able to do everything she wants to do,
but she's in a lot less pain than she used to be in.
although, she still get really tired.
hannah, joshua, and sophia are all going to public school --
for the first time!!!
crazy.
sophia is really excited about getting her own locker.
her and josh both have to wear uniforms for school, since they're in middle school.
hannah gets to sport her own stuff.
i can't believe she's going to be a sophomore.
and richard just turned 18.
oh my goodness, i'm getting old.

ok, i need to get back to work.

Real Simple Daily Thought

August 18, 2008
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
— Janos Arany

loves life!!

||discouraged||

i feel really frustrated and discouraged.
i'm overwhelmed.
my car is broken...
i'm going to pick up tony's dad tonight and
hopefully he can start it and take it back to work on it...
but it has to be fixed by next monday night...
otherwise, i'm in deep poop.
its just so frustrating!
i don't have money to fix it, really,
because of the wedding this weekend.
and i wish i could just have a new car...
i don't know if the lord is trying to teach me about
pride or patience or what
but its hard.hard.hard.hard.
i wish i had a fairy godmother to just pour$5000 in my lap
not to buy a new car
but at least one that will run consistently and i can drive out of the city.
it doesn't work that way though.
i have to work for what i want...
and i have to get enough credit for what i want...
and its going to be a while.

school is going to be a lot more expensive that last semester.
i have to put down $210 for a deposit
(I'm doing a payment plan...classes are $420 overall)
and my government book is about $100
my pysch book is about $100
and my math book is about $50
and the lab costs $150.
Thats $400 for books...and plus that $210
thats a lot of money out of this next paycheck.
ughhh.

i know the lord provides.
he always, always does.
faithful.
but my heart!
be still my heart.
i have never gone without what i need.

so lovely....

waking up at 6:45
putting on makeup
getting dressed
walking out the door at 7:21
and getting to the park and ride
at 7:32

eleven minutes.
ya heard???
eleven beautiful wonderful minutes
from my apartment (that i share)
to where i meet the girls to carpool.
thank you jesus.
life has become slightly more beautiful.
*******************************

||pan the man||

apparently, hook the movie was on this weekend.
my favorite movie -- in the world!

"you really are the pan...
you can fly...
you can fight...
and you can..."
*CROW*

yes, peter pan is my hero.
the first time i ever watched a peter pan movie,
was the disney version...
and i was SURE that it was my destiny to marry this wonderful, life loving redheaded boy.
unfortunately, i grew up.
he lives in neverland and i...don't.

for a brief period of time, i had the best opportunity --
i was able to be in the play!
to my dismay, i did NOT land the part of peter,
but the part of one of the lost twins.
i was cute, nonetheless.
(i was an indian once too. talk about important!)

i wish i could pursue life with peter's attitude...
"to live...to live would be an awfully great adventure"
"to die would be a great adventure"
he is without fear, and jumps to the greatest challenges.
and although he is definitely not without his faults,
his charm is overwhelming.

wendy is gracious, and beautiful, and loving.
she makes a perfect mother to peter...
even though she ended up falling in love with him..
(my amazing friend melissa is the embodiment of wendy)
he never knew because she kept growing up
(THATS the problem with marriages! the boys think they live in neverland and never grow up! haha jkkkkk)
and eventually, when he decided to grow up,
she was already married...with children...and grandchildren.
he married her granddaughter, moira.

in the movie hook,
toodles has lost his marbles and "forgotten how to fly"
thudbutt's mom is his "happy thought"
rufio finally surrenders his sword
jack teaches the pirates how to play baseball
tinkerbell becomes human size
but most important,
peter remembers he grew up and becomes a lost boy again!

he remains my favorite, to this day.
as tinkerbell so aptly states,
"you know that place between sleep and awake,
the place where you can still remember dreaming?
that's where I'll always love you, peter pan.
thats where I'll be waiting."



[second star to the right, and straight on till morning]

||update||

goodness, its been more than a month since i last posted.

life has been crazy.hard. beautiful. fulfilling. interesting.
i moved out of my parent's house on june 1st.
i rented a room in a house, near my parent's,
so it wasn't too much of a jump.
i don't really want to go into why i moved...
ongoing situation. lack of understanding. lack of self control.
its no one's fault, really. we're both to blame.
its getting better, our relationship, as time passes.

it was really interesting,
a couple of weeks before camp,
a mother came in to the office to sign her daughter up for camp,
and i began talking to her...
it was ASTONISHING how alike our lives had been.
she had been homeschooled all her life,
with very strict, very religious parents in a home very similar to mine.
while we both loved our families very much,
after being homeschooled for seventeen years
and being with them DAY IN DAY OUT, we both left at that age,
with neither of our parents liking it.

long long long story short,
she encouraged my quest to find my faith and
make it my own,
to make sure that i didn't believe christianity
simply because that was how i'd been raised.
she encouraged me to search the Bible for truths
and to question the morals and test it against the Bible.
she said that certain things she had been raised to believe,
she didn't necessarily agree with.
and thats ok, she said.
she said that her relationship with her parents, now,
is great! she loves her mom and her dad.
her two younger siblings, are still searching for the Lord,
but she says she's afraid it may be from the lack of grace in her household.
she homeschools her four kids
(all of them named after fictional literary characters -- its charming!)
and stays at home with them.
her relationship with God is evident.

it gave me a lot of hope -- because thats who i want to be.

anyways....
other than that, i've been doing well!
i received a bonus and a raise at my job --
i paid off my medical debt and my car!
so that ugly, beautiful, piece of junk "old faithful" is officially mine.
i got internet!
so i'm hopefully establishing "credit" with ATT
so next year, when my parent's contract ends,
i'll be able to purchase my own phone/account
without having to put down $500 for a deposit!!!!

i am moving in with my cousin, amy, this weekend.
i'll live in the little corner in the living room for a while,
until we move to a different apartment :].
we're looking at apartments this weekend,
just to check out prices and stuff.
but if we were to transfer to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath at her current place,
we'd pay $925 a month,
and i'm not sure we're goin to find a better deal than that!
i'm really excited!
i know that this is going to be more of a permanent situation
and i'm going to be able to decorate my room,
and my bathroom,
and make it look cute and beautiful and
my own.
but for now,
while i'm living in the living room,
i'm going to to go to ikea and buy a small wardrobe and that will suffice.

i also signed up for college classes yesterday:
my schedule is as follows
Monday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Tuesday - Government 5:30 - 6:50
Wednesday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Thursday - Government 5:30 - 6:50, Psychology 7 - 10
Busy, busy! Can't wait. I know I'm absolutely going to dread it, while i'm in the midst of it,
but at least I feel smarter and I'm heading towards a goal.
I would like to go to school either August '09, or January '10 and
i would like to enter in as a sophomore, at least.

tony leaves for school in a month.
its a bummer for me, but i'm so excited for him,
college life is grand...and the campus is excellent.
i can visit him, of course,
although with my car....trips will be limited!
his sister, i'm sure will drive up there,
and nadim's girl is too (not sure that will be too comfortable though haha!).
we're going to try to stick it out, see what happens.
thats one thing though, i'm so thankful for...
i can trust him and i know that.
there is not a doubt in my mind that tony would ever cheat on me.
he's so faithful.
my own insecurities plague me of course...
college girls are so beautiful, smart, busty, and PRESENT!
honestly though...if tony were to ever be in a position to cheat on me...
which i doubt he would place himself in...
i trust him enough that i know he'd think of me before himself.
and im trusting god.
period.

ehhhhhhhhhh thats all i guess.