||this weekend||

this weekend, i plan to:
CLEAN my car
clean my room & bathroom
finish washing clothes
fold & put away clean clothes
buy hangers to hang clothes up with!
write my immigration paper
pick a psych topifc & begin writing paper
do math homework & begin review sheet
buy tires
grocery shopping
buy face moisterizer
buy a new belt [seriously my black belt is about to rip in two :( ]
go watch the nutcracker
SLEEPSLEEPSLEEP
finish a million little pieces
& finally, after all is completed....
relax.

||birthday wishes||

so my birthday is coming up

and i for the past couple of years i haven't really wanted anything specifically

but i was writing a list for my mom...

and here are some of the items on my wishlist this year!

black bookshelf
black computer desk
black floor length antique style oval mirror
white & green bath towels
white or silver 'over the toilet' etagere
WORK CLOTHES!
WORK SHOES [ie. new black pumps & flats]
a NEW PURSE
LG VU
a new car

HEY a girl can dream, can't she??
:D

||desperate||

Desperation.
When I think of that word in context of a woman…

I think someone who is begging for love, who is hopeless, who is driven to extremes - who is so far gone that she will do anything to get what she needs…
She is someone I do not want to be.

I want to be a strong woman.
I want to be self-sufficient.
I want others to look at me and know I do not need them.
I do not want to be desperate for attention.
I do not want to be desperate for love.

Yet, all too often...
That is exactly who I am.
And I have hated myself for it…
And I have hated those women who are just like me.
I see them everyday…
from young teenage girls, to young women, to older women.
Looking for acceptance and love in all the wrong places.
I see it in their eyes…
And I just want to cry out
“THERE IS A LOVE THAT SURPASSES THE LOVE OF THIS WORLD!!”

But my lips don’t move…my mouth dries up…my heart stops…
Because I allow myself to hear the lie…
“you can’t say anything…because you are just like them.
You are no better than they are”

NO!
Oh god, wretched sinner that I am…
Then the smallest…tiniest whisper happens..
So small a voice that I must concentrate to hear it…

In him….in my Jesus….I have redemption through his blood!
the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God's grace.
[Ephesians 1:7]

Yet the whisper is drowned out by the lies…
the lies that flaunt, that scream, that so position themselves as to capture my full attention…again.
And again.again. again.
And instead of love, I am filled with despise.
Because I see the women who are just like me
And knowing that there is a LOVE that is greater…
I have not allowed it to change me,
And…I become less than they are.
They are unaware.
I am just rebellious.

These are the thoughts that I struggle with… day in and day out.
I know the Truth.
It is all head knowledge

.…for God so loved the world…
…saved by grace…
…through Jesus Christ…
…more than conquerors…
…broken and contrite heart…
…Love that is stronger than death…

Wait.
A Love…
That is…
stronger than death.
I am driven to find that verse again…
To let its balm heal the wounds of my soul

…Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised.

[Isaiah 8:6-7]

Thank you, God….for a love that will never end.

As I sit and just again meditate on those verses…
timeless verses that never fail to bring me joy or hope…
The verse I memorized in conjunction with this…
Is stirred again in my mind…

A story of a prostitute…
Joined with a man of God.
She continually left Love
To sleep with lust.

A story of Israel
Forsaking their Love
For cheap wine
And short-lived pleasure.

Yet God…with a love that is not quenched…
With a fire that is most vehement…
Could not be persuaded from pursuing his Bride…
Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“ And it shall be, in that day,” Says the LORD,
“ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master,’
For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals,

And they shall be remembered by their name no more.

In that day I will make a covenant for them

With the beasts of the field, With the birds of the air, And with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth,

To make them lie down safely.
“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy;
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy;
Then I will say to those who were not My people,‘ You are My people!’
And they shall say, ‘You are my God!’”

[hosea 2:14-20;23]

Oh that I would [know] the Lord, my God.
that the names of Baal would be removed from my mouth…
and I shall remember their names no more.
that no longer will i call him master...
but instead...my husband!
the celebration of my soul and the longings of my heart.

Desperation.
When I think of this word in context for God…
This is who I want to be.
Hopeless without God, driven to extremes to know His character, desperate for His love, and Willing to do anything to get to know this Love.
I want to be so consumed that the lies are drowned out by the whisper…

The timeless Truth will prevail.

I was bought with a price [1 corinthians 6:20]
He has engraved me in the palms of his hands [isaiah 49:16]
I am loved with an everlasting Love [jeremiah 31:3]

His Love is poured out freely.

I shall never stop saying…
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you.

[how many times have I written about these verses, only to learn more and more again and again? Thank you, Shan, you are the one who first showed me these two in particular.]

||new beginnings||

just a couple of updates:

first, my car is fine, thank goodness!
it was incredible because the day after it broke down,
tony left for the lakehouse...
so i kept his car that week.
god's provision, for sure.
i ended up picking his dad up and it took him
TWO SECONDS to start my car!
it was something inconsequential....
something was touching something that shouldn't have been touching.
but...he ended up fixing my a/c as well!!
praise the lord.
now, its TOO cold! i can't keep the windows from fogging up sometimes.
haha.
hey. it works.

school...
uhhhh.
well i paid for half of it...
and i've got ALMOST all my books.
but i shopped around and definitely got the best prices!
about $150 for the textbooks, when it was originally almost $300 used from the bookstore.
school starts monday!
i realized i have math on mondays. WHAT a horrible way to start the week!
haha.

tony leaves for school tomorrow.
:[
its going to be hard, but we're both really willing to put forth the effort to make this work.
i'll only miss him for a week, though, because i'm hoping to go visit him the 29th -
its the friday after his birthday, and that monday is a holiday for the office
(hooray for labor day)

Me and Amy put in the deposit for our apartment yesterday
and I filled out the application.
I'm really hoping they don't turn me down because my job history looks terrible right now!
6 months at my current job, and 7 months at my previous (Starbucks manager).
blah.
I'm also trying to figure out how long of a lease I want to sign --
and it all depends on when I want to go to school full time???
july '09 or january '10?
i really don't know the answer to that.
blah.
and it depends if me and tony are still dating by then,
will i want to go to school with him at UTSA?
or go to sam houston?
questions, questions, questions.
ANYWAY, i can't wait to move into the apartment and finally have room to stretch my feet again!
not that living with amy has been all that bad, it really hasn't.
but it will be nice to have a real closet again.
we'll each also have our own bathrooms, which will be bliss for her,
and exciting for me -- I finally get to decorate my own bathroom!
I'm going to buy a new bedspread for myself too....
i'm thinking black and white.

my mom is recovering from her surgery and she's doing really well.
she's still not able to do everything she wants to do,
but she's in a lot less pain than she used to be in.
although, she still get really tired.
hannah, joshua, and sophia are all going to public school --
for the first time!!!
crazy.
sophia is really excited about getting her own locker.
her and josh both have to wear uniforms for school, since they're in middle school.
hannah gets to sport her own stuff.
i can't believe she's going to be a sophomore.
and richard just turned 18.
oh my goodness, i'm getting old.

ok, i need to get back to work.

Real Simple Daily Thought

August 18, 2008
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
— Janos Arany

loves life!!