||chaos||

last night,
i went to bed with a heart of chaos.

i have been reading a book called Chasing Daylight (thanks becky!)
and i love it.
it has given me so much food for thought,
and a completely different perspective on things...
some of my favorite parts...

"...Jesus calls us to live a life of unimaginable adventure. It begins the moment we choose to follow him. It is no less than to pass from existence to life" (quotations mine)

"The present moment is where the past and the future collide, and within a moment there is monumental potential. Thats the mystery of a moment. It's small enough to ignore and big enough to change your life."

"The prostitute Rahab, in one defining moment, through one life-altering decision, began a journey that brought her everything she had lost and more than she could ever have imagined. At our worst, good is only one decision away." (that, quite frankly, blew me away.)

Well, that is only the first chapter! I know, good stuff.
The second chapter is on initiative.
Here is where I am struggling.
I referred to choices and decisions I am going to have to make in some earlier posts...
and throughout the past couple of weeks,
they've just been very present and foremost in my mind.
Well, while reading all of this, of course I'm thinking about these decisions!

So then comes the part about...we, as humans, can do nothing to thwart God's sovereignty.
Right. I agree with that.
So, whatever decisions we make....can do nothing to mess up God's will.
Ok, and now I'm just thinking "out loud" here.
So does that mean everything is predestined???
I mean, I fully believe God gave us free will.
But, if God knew we were ultimately going to follow Him...and THAT was his sovereign plan...and nothing can mess up his sovereignty...did we ultimately even have a choice?

And bigger plan aside, what about the smaller plans....
If we're following God, and if we're in line with God's will...
everything we do will coordinate with that, right?
McManus quite bodly even states,
"To put it crassly, when you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want."
That one stopped me.
Where does our human nature come into play at this point?
What about our sin?
Yes, when we're madly in love with God, our desires become HIS desires...
but we're not perfect.
Surely, there is going to be imperfect desire, and to act upon that desire would be sin,
and so....is that sin part of God's plan????

lfkjagjl;gjkl'agjalgjka;gjka.
yes, ^ thats my opinion on things.
and growing up in an extremely conservative household,
making choices that are out of the ordinary and could possibly ruin God's plan for my life
is WRONG.WRONG.WRONG. and all my upbring is SCREAMING at me,
to play it safe, don't go somewhere where you can get burned!!!!!!!!!!!

so then the next paragraph that gets to me is this one
"Those men and women whose lives you admire, who somehow seem to live life to the fullest, would probably be the first to tell you they are no different from you and me. It's not about talen or giftedness or intelligence; its about moving out of passivity into activity." (again, emphasis mine)
earlier, he stated it much more succinctly,
"just do something" and "take initative"

so....i'm going to bed last night...
and i'm thinking about all of this and i'm feeling so...
scrambled!!!
choices.choices.choices.choices!!!
ok, just do something.
its that simple.
i want the heart of God, and I am seekin God's character...
all i have to do is move.
easy enough, right??

so...i wake up this morning,
i shower,
i pray..."God...help me make sense of all of this!"
and God...
being a humorous God... :)
well, He gives me THIS in our morning devotional...
first line...BAM!

"waiting quielty is not what most of us do best. we prefer to be activitsts...."
WHAT???????????? GOD! this is not making things clearer!!
so, i read on, and you know,
its talking about don't take the easier path (believe me, 'just doing something' wouldnt be),
decisions are rarely instantaneous,
its against our nature to wait, and....
we must let Him take the initiative by preparing the way before us."
(ok, remember mcmanus is saying...take initiative...my devo is saying let God take initiative...can you understand why i'm getting conflicting messages here??)
the quote of the day says
"simply wait upon Him. In doing so, we shall be directed, supplied, protected, corrected, and rewarded." - vance havner

ok God.
what in the world are you telling me?
so...here is the deal.
I'm going to stop the chaos!
i truly desire the Lord's will in my life. I desire the passion of a life that is lived for Him.
and so I am cutting the world out.
for a week, I am not goin to watch any tv shows (other than the news),
or listen to any secular music (goodbye rihanna!),
or even read any books (other than school).
i'm going to pour myself into His word....
immerse myself in worship music.
and get peace.
peace that surpasses all understanding.

feel free to ask me how i'm doing to keep me accountable.
if i slip up, i'm going to start the week over.
i just want God.
thats it.