in relationships, we find out what love is. through relationships, we understand who jesus is. and in the same way, relationships that are broken can drive us away from love & jesus. we were made to belong. we were made for fellowship for unity for intimacy for community. everywhere you look - people are struggling to fit in, to be a 'part'. they want to be understood, accepted, and loved despite.
of course, there are those who claim to need no one, proclaiming and maintaing they are just fine on their own. these are the ones who keep everyone at a distance... never for one moment allowing their guard down... preferring the solitude of their own company. yet their quality of life, the quality of their relationships are so poor - you can always look past and understand a moment or several that pushed them past the vulnerability that relationships require, to a hardening of the heart. they still need community.relationships.love. but they can no longer afford the pain those may bring.
others still go to the opposite extreme. they look for love anywhere.everywhere. these are the girls who who give their body for love and the boys who look at numbers to feel worthy. these girls are desperate for attention, and are thankful at any man who looks their way. these boys jump from girl to girl to girl, never committing, always using words to obtain, and walking away with their sense of accomplishment. in the morning, these souls are the same. empty. lonely. devoid of peace. and so the cycle of searching begins again, to drive those ugly emotions away.
and here i sit. vacillating between the two extremes. looking for love in people, knowing Love is all I need.... desperate to be thought of a woman worth far more than rubies, yet inconsistently portraying myself as another. living a lifestyle of mediocrity... unsure if I need, want, or even can change. contemplating why certain things are deemed 'sinful' when in reality, many more commonly accepted lifestyles, are driving hearts away from jesus, all the same, if not more.
i see revenge in the man who calls himself a follower of jesus. i see intentional dishonesty in the respected pastor. i see gossip in the leaders of christianity. i see judgement by body of christ.
i see compassion in the whore. i see unconditional love in the drug dealer. i see honesty in the lost soul. i see jesus in the man who calls himself an atheist.
what am i? all things to all people? i have so much love to give i have so much to offer. we*those* are so much more than we believe so much more than we have allowed. my heart breaks for we*those* who fall to these extremes of searching what we were made for in everywhere it is not.
that boy... kind giving funny hopefully intelligent a leader.... scared alone unsure. he will become the man god created him to be. i have to believe the lord will not forsake him. i have to believe the lord has a plan for such a unique boy as this.
that girl... loving caring enduring trusting loyal patient.... scared alone unsure. she will be a great woman of god. i have to believe the lord will redeem her. i have to believe the lord will heal her hurt, and bring her the peace she has been searching for.
i am beyond grateful for those people in my life who have taken the time to know believe understand hope trust pray for and love me. in my sin. in my glory. in weakness. in my strength.
the lord will not forget his covenenant. he will not abandon us. through relationships through community may we grow support understand and encourage.
may this bring redemption. may this bring fullness of life. may this bring knowledge of Love.
i miss eloquence. i was once surrounded by people who knew beauty of the soul power of words passion of the heart.
it is partly my fault, i have chosen an accessible lifestyle, one filled with praise for stupidity ignorance crassness.
my passion for reading my passion for knowledge my passion to seek the beauty of the world has dimmed. is it because I struggle with my relationship with the Lord? or my relationships have morphed into meaningless banter and trivial fellowship? i want to go back...
it breaks my heart, because i don't know how to live for the lord when I see so many around me falling away, with the best intentions, and the purest of Relationships. It is so difficult to try....when I rarely see fruit.
the concept of time blows my mind. it is crazy, how in one month, so much has changed. in one month, i continue to learn the concept of contentment, i understand happy is an emotion, emotions are flighty, peace is eternal. i continue to learn trust is difficult, and sometimes brutal, but so necessary. in a month, i feel so much more stable than i have been in quite some time. i'm also aware, anything can change. and in one month, i will be 23.
i am not where i thought i would be at 23. but that is ok, i am obviously where God wants me to be. everything in life happens for a purpose, HIS purpose, and I am thankful I am not in control.
time will continue to move and things will continue to change and i will continue to ponder how this happened when this happened and i will rest in knowing He is in control.
this, i know. however, i still like to pretend and live in my own world where my pictures really are cool and interesting. but, lets be serious, its only because i have a super amazing phone with super amazing apps!
singing at the top of my lungs.
exploring new cities.
beauty in the small things.
blaring the music.
a fine frenzy.
love so wonderful it makes you hurt.
all things lovely.