sometimes... i think my heart is healed, and that I moving on with life, but then they are days like today... when i can barely stop the tears from coming. my heart...it aches. i miss my team.
true blue... you have truly stolen my heart. it has been ten months and some odd days since my team has been together. despite the distance, despite missed calls and time differences, despite our ever changing lifestyles and circumstances, our love for each other is still strong.
there are times i lie awake and bed just ache to hear the low rumble of our beloved Shaniqua (the beautiful black bus) and get to share my super tiny bed with kristy and our millions of pillows and blankets. i wish i could wake up again only to laugh at the fact that she is, quite literally, frozen to the window.
i long the for the simplicity of life when i lived off of $5 a day. when...i knew the only meals i could order would be off the $1 menu so i could save my allottment to buy a new article of clothing for the weekend.
the thrill, the exhilaration, the honor of being onstage in front of thousands, portraying a teenage girl of God, living righteously, without shame... i will forever miss that. i remember drama warm ups... and being behind stage...about to go up... feeling that jitter and the rush in my body. or the time when my mic broke (on live tv!) and coming offstage feeling so exhausted and spent but absolutely satisfied.
i miss walking around the cities with kailee and taking absurd amounts of pictures of ourself. i miss late night talks with melissa. i miss hanging out on the weekend with matt. i miss touching jons 'sexy abs'. i miss walking the concourse. i miss brad's hugs. i miss jebba's hugs. i miss mindy and her insanity. i miss deb and the way she was so protective of me. i miss joeangel and his quirks. i miss laughing with and at clark. i miss friday morning rehearsals. i miss my in-ears. i miss host homes. i miss wendy and her love letters from pookie-jackson. i miss washing my face everynight in the walmart bathrooms. i miss waking up and having no idea what state im in. i miss doing crazy things like hide and go seek at 3am in the nissan pavilion. i miss being dirty all the time. (ok maybe not?) i miss not wanting to the feel the heat with somebody, but be in heat with somebody. i miss being surrounded by 30+ of the most godly beautiful real people i have ever known.
i do NOT miss spaghetti every weekend. i do NOT miss waking up every sunday morning super early i do NOT miss letting the beds down if i could have killed someone, i would have.
but what a small price to pay a most wonderfully, blessed year. what i would give...to go back and fully appreciate the wonder of what i had.
this still undecided... but it is something I will be praying about very hard... but...
i am going to try to go to school full time in August '09! yayyyy.
i went to go talk to a counselor yesterday er...advisor (counselors are for people on probations...definitely NOT me.) and we made a plan that i will take:
1 class this summer 3 this fall 3 next spring 2 next summer
and thennnn i will be entering Sam Houston (hopefully, cause i have NOT applied) as a sophomore! i think this is the direction i have been praying for... but i shall keep praying, to make sure, and i would love it if you prayed too!
so we started talking about personality types today in the office... I already knew I was sanguine--- quick, impulsive, and relatively short-lived reactions. yeah. thats me. but i decided to do the test anyways...
i am sanguine/melancholy:
The Extrovert The Talker The Optimist
The Sanguine's Emotions Appealing personality Talkative, Storyteller Life of the Party Good sense of humor Memory for color Physically holds on to listener Emotional and demonstrative Enthusiastic and expressive Cheerful and bubbling over Curious Good on stage (hey hey, anna rose?) Wide-eyed and innocent Lives in the present Changeable disposition Sincere at heart Always a child
The Sanguine As A Parent
Makes Home Fun Is liked by children's friends Turns disaster into humor Is the circus master
The Sanguine At Work
Volunteers for Jobs thinks up new activities Looks great on the Surface Creative and colorful Has energy and enthusiasm Starts in a flashy way Inspires others to join charms others to work
The Sanguine As a Friend
Makes friends easily Loves People Thrives on compliments Seems exciting envied by others Doesn't hold grudges apologizes quickly Prevents dull moments Likes spontaneous activities
The Sanguine's Emotions
Compulsive talker Exaggerates and elaborates Dwells on trivia Can't remember names Scares others off Too happy for some Has restless energy Egotistical Blusters and complains Naive, gets taken in Has loud voice and laugh Controlled by circumstances Gets angry easily Seems phony to some Never Grows Up
The Sanguine As A Parent
Keeps home in a frenzy Forgets children's appointments disorganized Doesn't listen to the whole story
The Sanguine At Work Would rather talk forgets obligations Doesn't follow through Confidence fades fast Undisciplined Priorities out of order Decides by feelings Easily distracted Wastes time talking
The Sanguine As a Friend
Hates to be alone Needs to be center stage Wants to be popular Looks for credit dominates conversations Interrupts and doesn't listen answers for others Fickle and forgetful Makes excuses Repeats stories
ok. this is so me. like...to the T almost. i'm not so much melancholy... but the things that i am:
musical high standards persistent makes friends cautiously faithful and devoted appreciative of beauty seeks ideal mate (uh..yes.) schedule oriented likes charts, graphs, figures, lists, etc. moody and depressed low self image hard to please deep need for approval full of contradictions skeptical of compliments self centered
wow. yeah. this is kuh-razy. at the HA, we'd always be like "oh they're so melancholy" "they're so sanguine" -- its almost used too frequently there. I haven't thought of it in a while,and its really interesting to see again!
i truly enjoy my job. i love what i get to do, the atmosphere im in, especially the girls i work with. and i definitely do not mind working with my boss, at all. but...seriously, she has got to be the most...interesting (for lack of a better word)..person. "oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook" i have a hard time not laughing out loud when i'm around here, she cracks me up. sure, she frustrates me sometimes, but hey...tell me what boss doesn't! and, im so glad God opened this door... i wouldn't give it up for anything. (ok, MAYBE europe!)
ON ANOTHER NOTE ~
I'm really struggling with what to do for my best friend's wedding. (ha. thats a movie.) I do not support her marriage. but she is my best friend. and she wants me to be her maid of honor. last night, i was talking to another friend, who isn't very close, but i know him fairly well, and he told me that by me standing to the in the wedding, that i am condoning the marriage. he reminded me that when someone turns from truth, and refuses to follow, then they are an enemy of God, and, when we have done all we can do, we are to have nothing to do with them. see, my problem is, maybe this IS the right guy, maybe this IS who she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with..... but this isn't the time, this isn't the right way. but i've said all i can say...if she chooses to go through with the marriage, she will know what i think... but i also want her to know that i love her unconditionally. jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors... they were enemies of god... can i not show my love for her through this? because, her marriage is for good... and i don't want to tear apart our friendship forever becase of this. this is tearing me up.
singing at the top of my lungs.
exploring new cities.
beauty in the small things.
blaring the music.
a fine frenzy.
love so wonderful it makes you hurt.
all things lovely.