healing heart

sometimes...
i think my heart is healed,
and that I moving on with life,
but then they are days like today...
when i can barely stop the tears from coming.
my heart...it aches.
i miss my team.

true blue...
you have truly stolen my heart.
it has been ten months and some odd days
since my team has been together.
despite the distance,
despite missed calls and time differences,
despite our ever changing lifestyles and circumstances,
our love for each other is still strong.

there are times i lie awake and bed
just ache to hear the low rumble
of our beloved Shaniqua (the beautiful black bus)
and get to share my super tiny bed with kristy
and our millions of pillows and blankets.
i wish i could wake up again only to laugh at the fact that
she is, quite literally, frozen to the window.

i long the for the simplicity of life when i lived off of $5 a day.
when...i knew the only meals i could order would be off the $1 menu
so i could save my allottment to buy a new article of clothing for the weekend.

the thrill, the exhilaration, the honor of being onstage in front of thousands,
portraying a teenage girl of God, living righteously, without shame...
i will forever miss that.
i remember drama warm ups...
and being behind stage...about to go up...
feeling that jitter and the rush in my body.
or the time when my mic broke (on live tv!) and coming offstage
feeling so exhausted and spent but absolutely satisfied.



i miss walking around the cities with kailee
and taking absurd amounts of pictures of ourself.
i miss late night talks with melissa.
i miss hanging out on the weekend with matt.
i miss touching jons 'sexy abs'.
i miss walking the concourse.
i miss brad's hugs.
i miss jebba's hugs.
i miss mindy and her insanity.
i miss deb and the way she was so protective of me.
i miss joeangel and his quirks.
i miss laughing with and at clark.
i miss friday morning rehearsals.
i miss my in-ears.
i miss host homes.
i miss wendy and her love letters from pookie-jackson.
i miss washing my face everynight in the walmart bathrooms.
i miss waking up and having no idea what state im in.
i miss doing crazy things like hide and go seek at 3am in the nissan pavilion.
i miss being dirty all the time. (ok maybe not?)
i miss not wanting to the feel the heat with somebody,
but be in heat with somebody.
i miss being surrounded by 30+ of the most godly beautiful real people
i have ever known.

i do NOT miss spaghetti every weekend.
i do NOT miss waking up every sunday morning super early
i do NOT miss letting the beds down
if i could have killed someone, i would have.

but what a small price to pay a most wonderfully, blessed year.
what i would give...to go back and fully appreciate the wonder of what i had.