||so happy together||

tony is coming in this weekend :D
howeverrrrr i'm going to be pretty darn high the whole time.
i'm getting all four wisdom teeth removed.
i'm really nervous,
but i'm so glad i'm finally getting them out!




i just found out yesterday that my family has been saying some pretty mean things about me.
when i heard it...the first words out of my mouth were 'i dont care'.
and then i burst into tears.

it hurts,
knowing that my family thinks that poorly of me.
i don't know why i have such a people pleasing complex.
i hate for people to be dissatisfied, or unhappy with me,
and heaven forbid they disapprove.
i hate it.
ever since i was a little girl,
all i wanted was for people to like me.

after crying for about an hour....
i just laid on my bed.
i started praying
and i realized...
God knows my heart.
He knows what i have and i have not done.
i realized, that there is no need for me to justify myself
because i am already justified by jesus christ.
there is no way i can ever prove to these women that my actions are pure,
because if there are looking for a reason to gossip, they will.
all i can do is try to live beyond reproach.

but i just realized...
can i handle it?
if i choose to make a life decision that may seem wrong to everyone else,
can i handle the disapproval that i know my entire family is going to throw at me?
but why does it matter?
it shouldn't.
but why does it.
they're not living my life,
they're not going to regret my mistakes.
i will.

i just want peace that surpasses all understanding.



i like to be in control.
i want to know that what is supposed to be in front of me,
will be in front of me.
when i don't know what is going on,
i feel blind. and scared.

making decisions that involve risk, the unknown,
and possibly disaproval,
scare me witless.
i don't want to be there.
but i'm tired of being here.
in a place where, even though i know what is going on,
i want to cry everytime i have to do this again.
i enjoy adventure,
i enjoy exploring new territories.
i want to be what God has called me to be.
but that means letting go. that means not being in control.
that means letting God.

for those of who actually read this...
please be praying that God will open doors where they are supposed to be open,
and shut them where they are not.
and most of all...please pray that i will have wisdom.

on another note,
my dad sent out an email to my mom telling her about his trip to costa rica.
he is loving every second of it!
yesterday, they were able to go minister to some people out in the mountains,
who have just been through a devasting earthquake.
he said he couldn't believe that in the midst of that tragedy,
every single person had a smile on their face.
it really made an impact on him.
he loved it up there, and he hopes to have an opportunity to go back.

and my parents are missing each other.
neither of them could sleep through the night!
its so cute :)


||gifts & haircut||

tony got back from spring break in new york
and we exchanged gifts.
i made him this sweet pirate chest,
that i don't have pictures of.
i painted the top red, and put a pirate flag on it.
then i burned some gold paper and made a 'treasure map'
and wrote
'6 kisses for everyday you were gone,
200 pennies for everytime i missed you...x5,
and the best treasure of all, my heart'
and i put 6 chocolate kisses in the chest
i spray painted 200 pennies gold
and i painted a black heart with gold 'stitching'
and wrote 'forever yours'.
i'll take pictures next time i'm in SA.
i got a huge martini glass from the M&M store
and also...this shirt :)

thank you babes.
he came over sunday morning,
and we went grocery shoppping together
and i made a hugggggeeee breakfast!!!

pancakes, bacon, cinnamon, huevos rancheros, tortillas, and gingerale with pom mango juice.

i got a new haircut!!
i'm not sure if i like it. i do and i don't. its definitely different! i realized though it was probably not the smartest time to get that style because summer is coming and i have no way to pin my bangs up! ahhh! but they'll grow out pretty quickly, im sure. i don't know that i'd ever get them done this way again :)



my mouth is on the road to recovery.
thank you sweet jesus.
i've never been more thankful in my life.
and i still love eating....
i value it so much more now.
and i'm not being facetious.

my dad left saturday morning for costa rica!
its his first mission trip!
its actually a rookie trip with our church.
he was SO excited, this is his first 'real' mission trip,
and he has always had such a huge heart to minister to spanish speaking countries.
richard is also gone,
to Arizona with Chris.
They're doing a youth conference over there and
Richard is helping lead worship :)
so most of the men at my mom's house are GONE!
she's pretty sad.

soooo monday is here.
and school begins again.
i'm not ready :\


||i am not a scrub||

trench mouth...
common in underdeveloped countries
and in WWI when soliders couldn't take care of their teeth.
rare nowadays in the usa.

thats what i have.

i got the flu this past weekend...
and sunday, at the peak of my fever & pain etc,
i noticed my gums were swelling.
by sunday night,they were bleeding.
monday morning,extremely RED, swollen, and bleeding and i couldn't even talk.

the dentist told me i have ANUG.
Acute necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis.
otherwise known as trench mouth.

shoot me.
the dentist asked me if i've been working a lot of hours,
and i told him i work full time, go to school part time.
he said...'that makes sense.'
basically,the reason i got this (and the flu)
is because my body is so worn out...

the site above says:
emotional stress
poor nutrition
throat, tooth, and mouth infections (the flu & my wisdom teeth).
among other things, which were not factors...

I BRUSH MY TEETH, i promise.
i guess just the culmination of everything aggravated this.

i am so hungry.
and i cant eat anything but soup.
i cant even talk right.
i think i've cried a hundred times today.
i've been sleeping most of the day
but when im not sleeping i have constant annoying pain.
and most of you know that i dont have a high pain tolerance
im not exaggerating :)

i was going to go to work today...but my mouth wouldnt stop bleeding.
and my body is just still so physically exhausted.

please please be praying for me.