||hurt||

i just found out yesterday that my family has been saying some pretty mean things about me.
when i heard it...the first words out of my mouth were 'i dont care'.
and then i burst into tears.

it hurts,
knowing that my family thinks that poorly of me.
i don't know why i have such a people pleasing complex.
i hate for people to be dissatisfied, or unhappy with me,
and heaven forbid they disapprove.
i hate it.
ever since i was a little girl,
all i wanted was for people to like me.

after crying for about an hour....
i just laid on my bed.
i started praying
and i realized...
God knows my heart.
He knows what i have and i have not done.
i realized, that there is no need for me to justify myself
because i am already justified by jesus christ.
there is no way i can ever prove to these women that my actions are pure,
because if there are looking for a reason to gossip, they will.
all i can do is try to live beyond reproach.

but i just realized...
can i handle it?
if i choose to make a life decision that may seem wrong to everyone else,
can i handle the disapproval that i know my entire family is going to throw at me?
but why does it matter?
it shouldn't.
but why does it.
they're not living my life,
they're not going to regret my mistakes.
i will.

i just want peace that surpasses all understanding.