i'm tired of being sad,
and i'm tired of being around sad people.
yes, i have some screwed up relationships,
and yes, its all been piling on top of me all at once...
but, i am still so much better off than millions of other people in the world.

I read a GREAT quote, and i don't have it on me,
but it pretty much said that being others centered
is the cure for any sickness...depression, heart break, etc.
when you are pouring yourself out,
you become focused on the needs of others, and their hurts,
and slowly you begin to heal....you can't focus on two things at once!

Thats so true.
I want to pour my life out,
i want to influence others.
I'm going to start trying to be involved in community programs,
I applied for Big Brother Big Sister,
I'm going to run in the Race for the Cure,
and I'm looking at other things, like Habitat for Humanity.

I've been talking to a friend about opportunities at her church as well, so we'll see how that pans out. If you have any other suggestions for me, they would be much appreciated :)

..::lovelovelovelove::..

loveeee these red newport cordones by tomsshoes.com

i want them!

a mere $70, thats all...

skeletons in my closet

you're gone,
im here.
you said forever.
and we laughed
we cried
and we never thought that forever would end.

we dedicated songs to each other
took silly pictures
whispered secrets in the dark till we fell asleep.
you were my best friend
my confidante.
the one person i knew i could rely on.
the one person that would be always be there for me
the one person who would love me no matter what.

or so i thought.
but you're gone
and im here.
i have questions
that will never be answered
but there is one question that will always hang over my head
why did you stop being my friend?
i don't like thinking about the answer
it hurts too much,
and sometimes, i just pretend the truth is altogether something different.
but i will always know...
i wasn't enough.
i was too human.
i fell
and you didnt want a fallen person for a friend.
i changed...
who knew that thought that 'forever' had
'or until you change' silently, invisibly attached.


'you don't get to call me a whore! when i met you, i thought i had met the person i would spend the rest of my life with. i was done. so all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues...who cared? because I was done. you left me! you chose addison! i'm all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke. you don't get to call me a whore!'

- meredith (greys anatomy)

days of yesteryear

times change,
people move,
habits are formed,
habits are killed,
beauty fades,
love is lost,
new life becomes,
rebirth begins.

how to hold on,
how to move on,
how to begin,
how to finish,
how to love,
how to lose,
how to breathe,
how to be.

its a fight and a war
to see the beauty and the peace
but isn't it so much sweeter once we've learned that
it's ok to hurt,
its ok to cry,
but you have to get up, wake up,
and become.

music

i love music.
its honestly been my constant...
so, obviously, i have been having a hard time with the breakup
and one of my friends, nadim, gave me some songs off his playlist "bitchs"
hahahahahaha.
its been fun...its like a game to see "what song describes my pathetic love life the most"
and i know that sounds so depressing, but its NOT!
it makes me laugh!
honestly, it takes my mind off of how sad i am, and how much i miss him.

songs that i relate to the most:

i'm gonna find another you - john mayer
better that we break - maroon 5
need you now - lady antebellum (hahah my life. seriously.)
and the funniest one...
i will always love you - whitney houston
hahaha who knew i would end up relating to you, whitney??? :)

so for now, so long until i write again...
everything will be alrighttttttt (the killers)

gunna make it

at the end of the day,
when all is said and done,
the joy of the lord will be my strength.

happy single's awarness day!!

couples make me gag.
and everytime i see a valentine display,
i want to kick it down.
everyone seems so mushy ushy gushy
and ive seen so many guys buying roses at walmart,
its ridiculous.
like, please, reality....just slap me a little harder to remind me that
IM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
and that i'm too pathetic to get in one.

ok, ok, ok,
before you freak out and tell me i'm being bitter,
and i'm WORTH it and I'm BEAUTIFUL and there is
a special guy out there SOMEWHERE for me...
i'm telling you...
i know :)
I'm working on the bitternes...
but I'm know I'm beautiful, and worth it, and there is a special guy out there somewhere.
I'm just telling you that those are my FIRST reactions...
and then I have to take those thoughts captive, and give them to God.
This Valentine's Day, I am learning what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is.
I am learning Agape.

For those of you who don't know what agape is:
There are several types of love in the Greek language...the three most widely known are

eros - as you can imagine, is ROMANTIC love. the kind of love everyone wants this weekend, the sexy passionate love.
philia - is the love you have for a family member, brother, sister, or very close friend.
agape - divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (wikipedia). Agape is the love the God has for us.
One of my favorite quotes from Rob Bell's book 'Sex God' is this:

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape MAKES them worthy by the strength and power of it's love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.

I love this quote.
I am so imperfect.
I fail everyday.
I am weak,
I am stubborn,
I lust,
I curse,
I have no self control,
I am selfish,
and foolish,
and unwise.
I am a sinner.

But through his strength, through his salvation, and through his LOVE...
i am made perfect.
how amazing is that???
i have someone who will NEVER LEAVE me, NEVER FORSAKE ME!
there is nothing i could ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
should i say it again?
EVERRRRRR
do that would make him love me less, or stop loving me.

and right now, at this time in my life,
that is exactly what i need.

i have left so many times,
i have given myself to other lovers,
and i have worshipped other gods.
ughhh i have been BROKEN and BEATEN and TORN DOWN...

Therefore, behold, I [the Lord God] will hedge up her way thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths.

And she shall follow after her lovers but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them , but shall not find them.

For she has not noticed, understood, or realized that it was I [the Lord God] Who gave her the grain and the new wine and the fresh oil, and Who lavished upon her silver and gold which they used for Baal and made into his image.

Therefore will I return and take back My grain in the time for it and My new wine in the season for it, and will pluck away and recover My wool and My flax which were to cover her [

And now will I uncover her lewdness and her shame in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of My hand.

And I will lay waste and destroy her vines and her fig trees of which she has said, These are my reward or loose woman's hire that my lovers have given me; and I will make [her plantations] an inaccessible forest, and the wild beasts of the open country shall eat them.

And I will visit [punishment] upon her for the feast days of the Baals, when she burned incense to them and decked herself with her earrings and nose rings and her jewelry and went after her lovers and forgot Me, says the Lord.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!

Hosea 2:6-23
(i omitted a few verses)

When I read this verse...
I cant breathe.
I am overwhelmed by Love.
This verse has been one of my favorite passages since 2005
but it has never meant so much to me more than it does today.

So, this Valentines Day...
I am throwing myself into knowing my True Lover,
and I am going to seek him as desperately as I have sought my other loves.
and I am praying for a desire to KNOW him more intimately than I have known anyone else.
He will HEAL me, and make me WHOLE.
I will wait upon the Lord...

I know that some of you may read this and think 'sure thing, kid'
but never before have i been in such a broken, broken time in my life.
and never before have i been so so aware of my...humanity and
my need for salvation.
yes, i'm going to make mistakes.
but God willing, I will be made perfect in Him.