honey, i'm home!

it has been almost two months since i've last posted,

and what a whirlwind of change has happened.

reading some of these last posts almost makes me feel pathetic

and i was tempted to delete...

but i didn't :)

i felt what i felt, and i should make no apologies. 

good gosh, 

so much has changed.

the biggest - 

i am at peace.

i am satisfied.

for the first time in almost two years.

it's an unfamiliar feeling,

and was almost uncomfortable at first,

because for so long....

i had been searching for the next high,

living in depression,

and beating myself up for so long.

i moved in with two girls from teenmania,

melody romo and liz hansen, and melody's sister - joy.

these girls have been such an incredible encouragement to me.

i never realized how much the friends you surround yourself with,

and the enviroment you live in can affect you so immensely.

i don't think i have the time, or the space, or even the words 

to fully allow myself to explain the extent 

to which God moved me out of my pit through these girls,

and so i shall leave it at that.

thank you jesus.

i was living in this...downward spiral,

of drinking, and partying, and making stupid, stupid choices.

and i saw it, and i just didnt know how to get out.

i didn't know how to stop.

and now i'm here.

i've stopped.

it no longer has a hold on me.

on one hand,

i'm saddened that i allowed myself to make 

those choices, those decisions that put me into awful situations,

but at the same time,

i cannot live with regret, 

and i'm only going to allow myself to learn, and to grow,

and i know that one day,

my testimony will impact someone in a huge way.

i feel like i've aged so much.

not in a bad way completely....

but in a way, that i know what i want.

i'm tired of living for something temporal.

it all fades away so quickly.

i'm tired of being sad,
and i'm tired of being around sad people.
yes, i have some screwed up relationships,
and yes, its all been piling on top of me all at once...
but, i am still so much better off than millions of other people in the world.

I read a GREAT quote, and i don't have it on me,
but it pretty much said that being others centered
is the cure for any sickness...depression, heart break, etc.
when you are pouring yourself out,
you become focused on the needs of others, and their hurts,
and slowly you begin to heal....you can't focus on two things at once!

Thats so true.
I want to pour my life out,
i want to influence others.
I'm going to start trying to be involved in community programs,
I applied for Big Brother Big Sister,
I'm going to run in the Race for the Cure,
and I'm looking at other things, like Habitat for Humanity.

I've been talking to a friend about opportunities at her church as well, so we'll see how that pans out. If you have any other suggestions for me, they would be much appreciated :)

..::lovelovelovelove::..

loveeee these red newport cordones by tomsshoes.com

i want them!

a mere $70, thats all...

skeletons in my closet

you're gone,
im here.
you said forever.
and we laughed
we cried
and we never thought that forever would end.

we dedicated songs to each other
took silly pictures
whispered secrets in the dark till we fell asleep.
you were my best friend
my confidante.
the one person i knew i could rely on.
the one person that would be always be there for me
the one person who would love me no matter what.

or so i thought.
but you're gone
and im here.
i have questions
that will never be answered
but there is one question that will always hang over my head
why did you stop being my friend?
i don't like thinking about the answer
it hurts too much,
and sometimes, i just pretend the truth is altogether something different.
but i will always know...
i wasn't enough.
i was too human.
i fell
and you didnt want a fallen person for a friend.
i changed...
who knew that thought that 'forever' had
'or until you change' silently, invisibly attached.


'you don't get to call me a whore! when i met you, i thought i had met the person i would spend the rest of my life with. i was done. so all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues...who cared? because I was done. you left me! you chose addison! i'm all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke. you don't get to call me a whore!'

- meredith (greys anatomy)

days of yesteryear

times change,
people move,
habits are formed,
habits are killed,
beauty fades,
love is lost,
new life becomes,
rebirth begins.

how to hold on,
how to move on,
how to begin,
how to finish,
how to love,
how to lose,
how to breathe,
how to be.

its a fight and a war
to see the beauty and the peace
but isn't it so much sweeter once we've learned that
it's ok to hurt,
its ok to cry,
but you have to get up, wake up,
and become.

music

i love music.
its honestly been my constant...
so, obviously, i have been having a hard time with the breakup
and one of my friends, nadim, gave me some songs off his playlist "bitchs"
hahahahahaha.
its been fun...its like a game to see "what song describes my pathetic love life the most"
and i know that sounds so depressing, but its NOT!
it makes me laugh!
honestly, it takes my mind off of how sad i am, and how much i miss him.

songs that i relate to the most:

i'm gonna find another you - john mayer
better that we break - maroon 5
need you now - lady antebellum (hahah my life. seriously.)
and the funniest one...
i will always love you - whitney houston
hahaha who knew i would end up relating to you, whitney??? :)

so for now, so long until i write again...
everything will be alrighttttttt (the killers)

gunna make it

at the end of the day,
when all is said and done,
the joy of the lord will be my strength.