[unconventional] beauty -

i am just so frustrated.
all of my life, i have lived in this shadow
of caring too much about what people think.
it has become a part of who i am,
unfortunately, and i am tired of it.
all of my life, people have told me
'stop caring what people think'
and so i try to stop, so those people will think more highly of me.
ultimately,
i have to stop because i have to find peace.


i am so tired of basing my life on that.
but where do i draw the line between
caring too much and caring too little?
i've been accused of being careless
with her feelings, his feelings, their feelings.
and im so selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
sometimes, i feel like those words have been thrown at me so much,
i really just dont want to care about that, especially.
of course im selfish...im a human freaking being.
i am trying.
with everything in me, i do not want to live selfishly.
but i feel like i have been run over
and guilt tripped.

please hear me loud and clear:
stop guilt tripping me.
it doesnt work in your advantage.

but.
you know when you see someone acting so stupidly?
and you sit back and say "how can they not see....?"
what if im that person?
what if i cant see?

oh, please, if i am that person,
lord open my eyes.

i have desires.
i have dreams
and wishes
and i want to live this life fully.
i want to EXPERIENCE.
and i dont see why that is wrong.
i know where right and wrong fall...
and ultimately, if i choose wrong,
then i am going to have to answer for that
on whatever level that may be.
and yes...
i suppose, that is selfish in a way.
but why am i selfish, when i dont give up my will, for someone else's
when the other person is holding me back for their gain?
i dont know.
im having a really hard time.