[unconventional] beauty -

so many emotions.
so many things i can't really say.

im so tired.
a year ago this week...
i was in the same position i am now.
tell me what progress was made?
if anything, i feel as though i've regressed.

my heart hurts so badly...
i know its the same situation over and over
but you can never get used to the pain of being hurt again and again.
how many times can i be wrong?
i'm not the victim, i know that i've hurt and caused as much pain...
but i can't take this anymore either.
im at the point where i have to decide if the relationships are worth the drama.
because my family is the most dramatic family in the history of dramatic families.
[okkk yes that was dramatic too :) ]

in this hurt, i am pushing others away.
i do not know how to handle it,
and i put it out on others in ways that i shouldn't.
but at the same time,
i wish i had a friend in houston.
just one friend, that i could go to, no matter what time of night it was,
and i could go and get a hug, and they would let me cry.
and talk.
and just pour out my heart,
no matter if it wasn't the 'right' things to say.
i miss those friends...

in the midst of this,
i know i am being pushed to god.
but can i be honest?
for the past twenty one years i've been in the same spot..
i'm exhausted.
i dont know what is real and what is not.
yes...i said it.
i work at a church, and i grew up in the church,
and im supposed to be such a godly christian...
but i feel jaded.
judge me if you will,
but that is my heart...
my painful, bleeding heart.

i miss them.
all of them.