perfect.

today....qualifies as a perfect day.

in relationships, we find out what love is.
through relationships, we understand who jesus is.
and in the same way,
relationships that are broken can drive us away
from love & jesus.
we were made to belong.
we were made for fellowship
for unity
for intimacy
for community.
everywhere you look -
people are struggling to fit in, to be a 'part'.
they want to be understood, accepted, and loved despite.

of course, there are those who claim to need no one,
proclaiming and maintaing they are just fine on their own.
these are the ones who keep everyone at a distance...
never for one moment allowing their guard down...
preferring the solitude of their own company.
yet their quality of life,
the quality of their relationships are so poor -
you can always look past
and understand a moment
or several
that pushed them past the vulnerability that relationships require,
to a hardening of the heart.
they still need community.relationships.love.
but they can no longer afford the pain those may bring.

others still go to the opposite extreme.
they look for love
anywhere.everywhere.
these are the girls who who give their body for love
and the boys who look at numbers to feel worthy.
these girls are desperate for attention,
and are thankful at any man who looks their way.
these boys jump from girl to girl to girl,
never committing, always using words to obtain,
and walking away with their sense of accomplishment.
in the morning,
these souls are the same.
empty.
lonely.
devoid of peace.
and so the cycle of searching begins again,
to drive those ugly emotions away.

and here i sit.
vacillating between the two extremes.
looking for love in people,
knowing Love is all I need....
desperate to be thought of a woman worth far more than rubies,
yet inconsistently portraying myself as another.
living a lifestyle of mediocrity...
unsure if I need, want, or even can change.
contemplating why certain things are deemed 'sinful'
when in reality, many more commonly accepted lifestyles,
are driving hearts away from jesus,
all the same,
if not more.

i see revenge in the man who calls himself a follower of jesus.
i see intentional dishonesty in the respected pastor.
i see gossip in the leaders of christianity.
i see judgement by body of christ.

i see compassion in the whore.
i see unconditional love in the drug dealer.
i see honesty in the lost soul.
i see jesus in the man who calls himself an atheist.

what am i?
all things to all people?
i have so much love to give
i have so much to offer.
we*those*
are so much more than we believe
so much more than we have allowed.
my heart breaks for
we*those*
who fall to these extremes of searching
what we were made for
in everywhere it is not.

that boy...
kind
giving
funny
hopefully
intelligent
a leader....
scared
alone
unsure.
he will become the man god created him to be.
i have to believe the lord will not forsake him.
i have to believe the lord has a plan for such a unique boy as this.

that girl...
loving
caring
enduring
trusting
loyal
patient....
scared
alone
unsure.
she will be a great woman of god.
i have to believe the lord will redeem her.
i have to believe the lord will heal her hurt,
and bring her the peace she has been searching for.


i am beyond grateful for those people in my life
who have taken the time to
know
believe
understand
hope
trust
pray for
and love
me.
in my sin.
in my glory.
in weakness.
in my strength.


the lord will not forget his covenenant.
he will not abandon us.
through relationships
through community
may we grow
support
understand
and encourage.

may this bring redemption.
may this bring fullness of life.
may this bring knowledge of Love.

i miss eloquence.
i was once surrounded by people who knew
beauty of the soul
power of words
passion of the heart.

it is partly my fault,
i have chosen an accessible lifestyle,
one filled with praise for
stupidity
ignorance
crassness.

my passion for reading
my passion for knowledge
my passion to seek the beauty of the world
has dimmed.
is it because I struggle with my relationship with the Lord?
or my relationships have morphed into
meaningless banter and trivial fellowship?
i want to go back...

it breaks my heart,
because i don't know how to live for the lord
when I see so many around me falling away,
with the best intentions,
and the purest of Relationships.
It is so difficult to try....when I rarely see fruit.