||candy canes||

i hate.

gross.

candy canes.

bad moods.

that come along.

mean swings.

uncontrollable.

im  a mean horrible person sometimes.

the end.

||road trip||

today...
i embark on a journey...
to see my best friend.
i haven't seen her since november 24, 2007.
this weekend..
we will laugh a lot.
and live.
just live.
i cannot wait.

pray for truth this weekend.
for clarity.
discernment.
love despite.
courage.
peace.

im a war,
of head versus heart,
and it's always this way.
my head is weak,
my heart always speaks,
before I know what it will say.
(crooked teeth - deathcab for cutie)

healing heart

sometimes...
i think my heart is healed,
and that I moving on with life,
but then they are days like today...
when i can barely stop the tears from coming.
my heart...it aches.
i miss my team.

true blue...
you have truly stolen my heart.
it has been ten months and some odd days
since my team has been together.
despite the distance,
despite missed calls and time differences,
despite our ever changing lifestyles and circumstances,
our love for each other is still strong.

there are times i lie awake and bed
just ache to hear the low rumble
of our beloved Shaniqua (the beautiful black bus)
and get to share my super tiny bed with kristy
and our millions of pillows and blankets.
i wish i could wake up again only to laugh at the fact that
she is, quite literally, frozen to the window.

i long the for the simplicity of life when i lived off of $5 a day.
when...i knew the only meals i could order would be off the $1 menu
so i could save my allottment to buy a new article of clothing for the weekend.

the thrill, the exhilaration, the honor of being onstage in front of thousands,
portraying a teenage girl of God, living righteously, without shame...
i will forever miss that.
i remember drama warm ups...
and being behind stage...about to go up...
feeling that jitter and the rush in my body.
or the time when my mic broke (on live tv!) and coming offstage
feeling so exhausted and spent but absolutely satisfied.



i miss walking around the cities with kailee
and taking absurd amounts of pictures of ourself.
i miss late night talks with melissa.
i miss hanging out on the weekend with matt.
i miss touching jons 'sexy abs'.
i miss walking the concourse.
i miss brad's hugs.
i miss jebba's hugs.
i miss mindy and her insanity.
i miss deb and the way she was so protective of me.
i miss joeangel and his quirks.
i miss laughing with and at clark.
i miss friday morning rehearsals.
i miss my in-ears.
i miss host homes.
i miss wendy and her love letters from pookie-jackson.
i miss washing my face everynight in the walmart bathrooms.
i miss waking up and having no idea what state im in.
i miss doing crazy things like hide and go seek at 3am in the nissan pavilion.
i miss being dirty all the time. (ok maybe not?)
i miss not wanting to the feel the heat with somebody,
but be in heat with somebody.
i miss being surrounded by 30+ of the most godly beautiful real people
i have ever known.

i do NOT miss spaghetti every weekend.
i do NOT miss waking up every sunday morning super early
i do NOT miss letting the beds down
if i could have killed someone, i would have.

but what a small price to pay a most wonderfully, blessed year.
what i would give...to go back and fully appreciate the wonder of what i had.

new developments

so...

this still undecided...
but it is something I will be praying about very hard...
but...

i am going to try to go to school full time in August '09!
yayyyy.

i went to go talk to a counselor yesterday
er...advisor
(counselors are for people on probations...definitely NOT me.)
and we made a plan that i will take:

1 class this summer
3 this fall
3 next spring
2 next summer

and thennnn i will be entering Sam Houston (hopefully, cause i have NOT applied) as a sophomore! i think this is the direction i have been praying for...
but i shall keep praying, to make sure, and i would love it if you prayed too!

sanguine!

so we started talking about personality types today in the office...
I already knew I was sanguine---
quick, impulsive, and relatively short-lived reactions.
yeah. thats me.
but i decided to do the test anyways...

i am sanguine/melancholy:

The Extrovert The Talker The Optimist

The Sanguine's Emotions
Appealing personality
Talkative, Storyteller
Life of the Party
Good sense of humor
Memory for color
Physically holds on to listener
Emotional and demonstrative
Enthusiastic and expressive
Cheerful and bubbling over
Curious
Good on stage (hey hey, anna rose?)
Wide-eyed and innocent
Lives in the present
Changeable disposition
Sincere at heart
Always a child

The Sanguine As A Parent

Makes Home Fun
Is liked by children's friends
Turns disaster into humor
Is the circus master

The Sanguine At Work

Volunteers for Jobs
thinks up new activities
Looks great on the Surface
Creative and colorful
Has energy and enthusiasm
Starts in a flashy way
Inspires others to join
charms others to work

The Sanguine As a Friend

Makes friends easily
Loves People
Thrives on compliments
Seems exciting
envied by others
Doesn't hold grudges
apologizes quickly
Prevents dull moments
Likes spontaneous activities

weaknesses:

The Sanguine's Emotions

Compulsive talker
Exaggerates and elaborates
Dwells on trivia
Can't remember names
Scares others off
Too happy for some
Has restless energy
Egotistical
Blusters and complains
Naive, gets taken in
Has loud voice and laugh
Controlled by circumstances
Gets angry easily
Seems phony to some
Never Grows Up

The Sanguine As A Parent

Keeps home in a frenzy
Forgets children's appointments
disorganized
Doesn't listen to the whole story

The Sanguine At Work
Would rather talk
forgets obligations
Doesn't follow through
Confidence fades fast
Undisciplined
Priorities out of order
Decides by feelings
Easily distracted
Wastes time talking

The Sanguine As a Friend

Hates to be alone
Needs to be center stage
Wants to be popular
Looks for credit
dominates conversations
Interrupts and doesn't listen
answers for others
Fickle and forgetful
Makes excuses
Repeats stories

ok. this is so me. like...to the T almost.
i'm not so much melancholy...
but the things that i am:

musical
high standards
persistent
makes friends cautiously
faithful and devoted
appreciative of beauty
seeks ideal mate (uh..yes.)
schedule oriented
likes charts, graphs, figures, lists, etc.
moody and depressed
low self image
hard to please
deep need for approval
full of contradictions
skeptical of compliments
self centered


wow.
yeah.
this is kuh-razy.
at the HA, we'd always be like "oh they're so melancholy" "they're so sanguine" -- its almost used too frequently there. I haven't thought of it in a while,and its really interesting to see again!

i truly enjoy my job.
i love what i get to do,
the atmosphere im in,
especially the girls i work with.
and i definitely do not mind working with my boss,
at all.
but...seriously, she has got to be the most...interesting (for lack of a better word)..person.
"oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook"
i have a hard time not laughing out loud when i'm around here,
she cracks me up.
sure, she frustrates me sometimes,
but hey...tell me what boss doesn't!
and, im so glad God opened this door...
i wouldn't give it up for anything.
(ok, MAYBE europe!)


ON ANOTHER NOTE ~

I'm really struggling with what to do for my best friend's wedding.
(ha. thats a movie.)
I do not support her marriage.
but she is my best friend.
and she wants me to be her maid of honor.
last night, i was talking to another friend,
who isn't very close, but i know him fairly well,
and he told me that by me standing to the in the wedding,
that i am condoning the marriage.
he reminded me that when someone turns from truth,
and refuses to follow,
then they are an enemy of God,
and, when we have done all we can do,
we are to have nothing to do with them.
see, my problem is,
maybe this IS the right guy, maybe this IS who she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with.....
but this isn't the time, this isn't the right way.
but i've said all i can say...if she chooses to go through with the marriage,
she will know what i think...
but i also want her to know that i love her unconditionally.
jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors...
they were enemies of god...
can i not show my love for her through this?
because, her marriage is for good...
and i don't want to tear apart our friendship forever becase of this.
this is tearing me up.