||amen & amen||

God has been doing amazing...incredible...wonderful things in my life.
After about a year and a half of being in the 'desert',
and having many, many moments of being driven to desperation,
I have finally reached a point of peace in my relationship with God.

After leaving Teen Mania,
I was so caught up in the pain of leaving behind
so many friends....
i loved these people, they were as close as family...
so dear to my heart.
I had experienced a lot of frustration at TM,
and I think I subconsciously directed a lot of this towards God.
Coming back home...
was overwhelming.
I felt so lost.
My relationship with God was strained,
I was lonely...and depressed.
My relationship with my parents was less than satisfactory.
Long story short,
the past year and a half, has been extremely difficult.
I have fought with my parents, fought with God,
moved in and out of houses three or four times.
I had no stability.

In October, Amy and I got an apartment together...
and it was pure hell for the both of us.
We fought about the stupidest things,
and we even went an entire month without talking at one point.
It was awful.
I know we both regretted it.
No one was at peace,
especially me.

Over Christmas break,
me and amy got into it BIG time...
and I left so ANGRY.
The next day, Chad Overton asked me how I liked living with a roommate...
I started complaining and saying how it was awful and he stopped me.
"I would really encourage you to show love to her. Go out of your way to show love, to serve her. Next time she asks you to do something, say ok...and do it with excellence and a cheerful heart"
So I heard him....but I was like "yeah. ok" and went on with my day.
Later on, God really convicted me...and I just keep hearing Chad's words in my head
over and over and over again.
Finally, I asked God to change my heart.
SOOO I went and bought Amy a key-lime pie from Luby's (her fave)
and I wrote her a note apologizing and offering her comprises that would work for us both.
She called me crying, "Mia...I just love you so much and I just want the best for you!"
Needless to say, things have been much better.
I feel like the lines of communication have been opened
and I have an awesome relationship with her once again.
It took a lot from BOTH of us, and it was so hard,
but it is SUCH a blessing to be able to look forward to coming home and
being able to share that time at home with her.
i love you amy!

im tearing up....
ok. collect myself.
haha.

So, admist all of this,
I am in the middle of learning how to not only be in a relationship,
but be in a long distance relationship.
Extremely difficult.
side note: one thing i've noticed...when your relationship with God is doing poorly, you're much more apt to act less maturely.l
Me and Tony were fighting a lot...
and mainly because I would start the argument over stupid petty inconsequential things.
Over Christmas break (again),
We got into it to the point of questioning the relationship.
At one point....I realized that I just needed to stop.
just...stop.
So, i didnt talk for a while....and then I apologized (which is very hard for me to do).
Tony sat there for a minute....
"Mia....I'm sorry that I've let it get to this point. I'm sorry that it HAD to get to this point for me to realize that we're missing something in this relationship. We've let God slip out of the center of our relationship...and the only way we're going to work is if He becomes the center again"
I just started crying...I love this man so much!
That night, he came over and we went to Panera Bread
and started our devotional and prayed together.
Since then, we have discussed our devotional and prayed together every night...
going on three weeks now.
tony has been so faithful to keep me accountable in this.
our relationship has improved so much in those three weeks,
its incredible.

Along with spending time with the Lord,
inevitably change comes along.
God has been convicting my heart of my attitude towards my parents,
and many times I should've have taken their advice, but I didnt.
My relationship with my parents has even improved.
There was brokeness there, so there has to be healing,
but we are both trusting that God will bring that when it is time.

Thank you JESUS! You are more than worthy of all the Honor, all the Glory and all the Praise!

||decisions||

I am about to finish my applications for school.
I'll submit them tomorrow.
I'm so nervous!!
I am applying to University of Texas in San Antonio and Sam Houston State University.
I just want to make the right decision about where I am going.

It's also just a huge, scary, leap of faith!
I would be quitting my job
(shhhhhhhh for those of you who work with me!
please, keep everything under wraps for the moment!!)
and going to live on a campus,
and get a part time job....
and....
thats really scary.
i am fully independant,
i provide completely for myself (through God's provisions),
and i will be stepping away from my 'income',
and i'm going to have to rely on God for everything.
AHHHHHH
that makes my stomach hurt thinking about it.
i hate not being in control.

for the first time in a long time,
i am in a stable position.
i have a steady job,
and i have an apartment i can truly call my own.
i'm not worrying about where i am going to live in the next couple of months.
that is such a great feeling!

but i am ready to move on,
i am ready to go to school full time
and get my degree.
and THAT'S exciting!
i have SO enjoyed going to school these past few semesters.
i have enjoyed the knowledge i've accumulated,
the debates held in class,
and the friend i've made.
[side note: i have not enjoyed buying textbooks]
and so...knowing that is going to be my life completely,
makes me really happy.
like my cousin said at christmas "college is a lifestyle"
its so true!
and i'm excited that i'm finally goin to be able to experience that.

but making that decision really does unnerve me a bit.
if i go to utsa, i'll know people already...
since i've been there several times to visit tony.
if i go to sam, i wont...
i know it wont be hard to make friends,
but its still just another factor to add to the 'scary' part of it.
haha.

anyways, if you're reading this, please just keep me in your prayers
as i make the huge transition in my life.

thanks!

picture tag!

Jessica tagged me!

So the object of this Picture Tag is to:
1. Go to the 4th folder in your computer where you store your pictures.
2. Pick the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

Here is my 4th picture in my 4th folder:


This was my Honor Academy graduation -- this was my second year there, i was graduating from Ministry Team (traveling around doing the Acquire the Fire tour), and i was so happy to be free. we're all really excited, as you can see. from l to r: diana alex, bradley, me, and benjamin batdorff. Brad was the only one on my actual team (we were blue team, the other two in the picture were red team) -- he is an amazing guy and gave great hugs. I miss him.

So I'm going to tag:
Becky
Nancy
Kelly
Kailee

Tag, you're it!

i am just so frustrated.
all of my life, i have lived in this shadow
of caring too much about what people think.
it has become a part of who i am,
unfortunately, and i am tired of it.
all of my life, people have told me
'stop caring what people think'
and so i try to stop, so those people will think more highly of me.
ultimately,
i have to stop because i have to find peace.


i am so tired of basing my life on that.
but where do i draw the line between
caring too much and caring too little?
i've been accused of being careless
with her feelings, his feelings, their feelings.
and im so selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
sometimes, i feel like those words have been thrown at me so much,
i really just dont want to care about that, especially.
of course im selfish...im a human freaking being.
i am trying.
with everything in me, i do not want to live selfishly.
but i feel like i have been run over
and guilt tripped.

please hear me loud and clear:
stop guilt tripping me.
it doesnt work in your advantage.

but.
you know when you see someone acting so stupidly?
and you sit back and say "how can they not see....?"
what if im that person?
what if i cant see?

oh, please, if i am that person,
lord open my eyes.

i have desires.
i have dreams
and wishes
and i want to live this life fully.
i want to EXPERIENCE.
and i dont see why that is wrong.
i know where right and wrong fall...
and ultimately, if i choose wrong,
then i am going to have to answer for that
on whatever level that may be.
and yes...
i suppose, that is selfish in a way.
but why am i selfish, when i dont give up my will, for someone else's
when the other person is holding me back for their gain?
i dont know.
im having a really hard time.

||this weekend||

this weekend, i plan to:
CLEAN my car
clean my room & bathroom
finish washing clothes
fold & put away clean clothes
buy hangers to hang clothes up with!
write my immigration paper
pick a psych topifc & begin writing paper
do math homework & begin review sheet
buy tires
grocery shopping
buy face moisterizer
buy a new belt [seriously my black belt is about to rip in two :( ]
go watch the nutcracker
SLEEPSLEEPSLEEP
finish a million little pieces
& finally, after all is completed....
relax.

||birthday wishes||

so my birthday is coming up

and i for the past couple of years i haven't really wanted anything specifically

but i was writing a list for my mom...

and here are some of the items on my wishlist this year!

black bookshelf
black computer desk
black floor length antique style oval mirror
white & green bath towels
white or silver 'over the toilet' etagere
WORK CLOTHES!
WORK SHOES [ie. new black pumps & flats]
a NEW PURSE
LG VU
a new car

HEY a girl can dream, can't she??
:D