picture tag!

Jessica tagged me!

So the object of this Picture Tag is to:
1. Go to the 4th folder in your computer where you store your pictures.
2. Pick the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

Here is my 4th picture in my 4th folder:


This was my Honor Academy graduation -- this was my second year there, i was graduating from Ministry Team (traveling around doing the Acquire the Fire tour), and i was so happy to be free. we're all really excited, as you can see. from l to r: diana alex, bradley, me, and benjamin batdorff. Brad was the only one on my actual team (we were blue team, the other two in the picture were red team) -- he is an amazing guy and gave great hugs. I miss him.

So I'm going to tag:
Becky
Nancy
Kelly
Kailee

Tag, you're it!

i am just so frustrated.
all of my life, i have lived in this shadow
of caring too much about what people think.
it has become a part of who i am,
unfortunately, and i am tired of it.
all of my life, people have told me
'stop caring what people think'
and so i try to stop, so those people will think more highly of me.
ultimately,
i have to stop because i have to find peace.


i am so tired of basing my life on that.
but where do i draw the line between
caring too much and caring too little?
i've been accused of being careless
with her feelings, his feelings, their feelings.
and im so selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
i know im selfish.
sometimes, i feel like those words have been thrown at me so much,
i really just dont want to care about that, especially.
of course im selfish...im a human freaking being.
i am trying.
with everything in me, i do not want to live selfishly.
but i feel like i have been run over
and guilt tripped.

please hear me loud and clear:
stop guilt tripping me.
it doesnt work in your advantage.

but.
you know when you see someone acting so stupidly?
and you sit back and say "how can they not see....?"
what if im that person?
what if i cant see?

oh, please, if i am that person,
lord open my eyes.

i have desires.
i have dreams
and wishes
and i want to live this life fully.
i want to EXPERIENCE.
and i dont see why that is wrong.
i know where right and wrong fall...
and ultimately, if i choose wrong,
then i am going to have to answer for that
on whatever level that may be.
and yes...
i suppose, that is selfish in a way.
but why am i selfish, when i dont give up my will, for someone else's
when the other person is holding me back for their gain?
i dont know.
im having a really hard time.

||this weekend||

this weekend, i plan to:
CLEAN my car
clean my room & bathroom
finish washing clothes
fold & put away clean clothes
buy hangers to hang clothes up with!
write my immigration paper
pick a psych topifc & begin writing paper
do math homework & begin review sheet
buy tires
grocery shopping
buy face moisterizer
buy a new belt [seriously my black belt is about to rip in two :( ]
go watch the nutcracker
SLEEPSLEEPSLEEP
finish a million little pieces
& finally, after all is completed....
relax.

||birthday wishes||

so my birthday is coming up

and i for the past couple of years i haven't really wanted anything specifically

but i was writing a list for my mom...

and here are some of the items on my wishlist this year!

black bookshelf
black computer desk
black floor length antique style oval mirror
white & green bath towels
white or silver 'over the toilet' etagere
WORK CLOTHES!
WORK SHOES [ie. new black pumps & flats]
a NEW PURSE
LG VU
a new car

HEY a girl can dream, can't she??
:D

||desperate||

Desperation.
When I think of that word in context of a woman…

I think someone who is begging for love, who is hopeless, who is driven to extremes - who is so far gone that she will do anything to get what she needs…
She is someone I do not want to be.

I want to be a strong woman.
I want to be self-sufficient.
I want others to look at me and know I do not need them.
I do not want to be desperate for attention.
I do not want to be desperate for love.

Yet, all too often...
That is exactly who I am.
And I have hated myself for it…
And I have hated those women who are just like me.
I see them everyday…
from young teenage girls, to young women, to older women.
Looking for acceptance and love in all the wrong places.
I see it in their eyes…
And I just want to cry out
“THERE IS A LOVE THAT SURPASSES THE LOVE OF THIS WORLD!!”

But my lips don’t move…my mouth dries up…my heart stops…
Because I allow myself to hear the lie…
“you can’t say anything…because you are just like them.
You are no better than they are”

NO!
Oh god, wretched sinner that I am…
Then the smallest…tiniest whisper happens..
So small a voice that I must concentrate to hear it…

In him….in my Jesus….I have redemption through his blood!
the forgiveness of sins in accordance with the riches of God's grace.
[Ephesians 1:7]

Yet the whisper is drowned out by the lies…
the lies that flaunt, that scream, that so position themselves as to capture my full attention…again.
And again.again. again.
And instead of love, I am filled with despise.
Because I see the women who are just like me
And knowing that there is a LOVE that is greater…
I have not allowed it to change me,
And…I become less than they are.
They are unaware.
I am just rebellious.

These are the thoughts that I struggle with… day in and day out.
I know the Truth.
It is all head knowledge

.…for God so loved the world…
…saved by grace…
…through Jesus Christ…
…more than conquerors…
…broken and contrite heart…
…Love that is stronger than death…

Wait.
A Love…
That is…
stronger than death.
I am driven to find that verse again…
To let its balm heal the wounds of my soul

…Set me as a seal upon your heart,
As a seal upon your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Jealousy as cruel as the grave;
Its flames are flames of fire,
A most vehement flame.

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it.
If a man would give for love
All the wealth of his house, It would be utterly despised.

[Isaiah 8:6-7]

Thank you, God….for a love that will never end.

As I sit and just again meditate on those verses…
timeless verses that never fail to bring me joy or hope…
The verse I memorized in conjunction with this…
Is stirred again in my mind…

A story of a prostitute…
Joined with a man of God.
She continually left Love
To sleep with lust.

A story of Israel
Forsaking their Love
For cheap wine
And short-lived pleasure.

Yet God…with a love that is not quenched…
With a fire that is most vehement…
Could not be persuaded from pursuing his Bride…
Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,
As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“ And it shall be, in that day,” Says the LORD,
“ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’
And no longer call Me ‘My Master,’
For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals,

And they shall be remembered by their name no more.

In that day I will make a covenant for them

With the beasts of the field, With the birds of the air, And with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth,

To make them lie down safely.
“ I will betroth you to Me forever;
Yes, I will betroth you to Me In righteousness and justice, In lovingkindness and mercy;
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness,
And you shall know the LORD.
And I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy;
Then I will say to those who were not My people,‘ You are My people!’
And they shall say, ‘You are my God!’”

[hosea 2:14-20;23]

Oh that I would [know] the Lord, my God.
that the names of Baal would be removed from my mouth…
and I shall remember their names no more.
that no longer will i call him master...
but instead...my husband!
the celebration of my soul and the longings of my heart.

Desperation.
When I think of this word in context for God…
This is who I want to be.
Hopeless without God, driven to extremes to know His character, desperate for His love, and Willing to do anything to get to know this Love.
I want to be so consumed that the lies are drowned out by the whisper…

The timeless Truth will prevail.

I was bought with a price [1 corinthians 6:20]
He has engraved me in the palms of his hands [isaiah 49:16]
I am loved with an everlasting Love [jeremiah 31:3]

His Love is poured out freely.

I shall never stop saying…
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you.

[how many times have I written about these verses, only to learn more and more again and again? Thank you, Shan, you are the one who first showed me these two in particular.]

||new beginnings||

just a couple of updates:

first, my car is fine, thank goodness!
it was incredible because the day after it broke down,
tony left for the lakehouse...
so i kept his car that week.
god's provision, for sure.
i ended up picking his dad up and it took him
TWO SECONDS to start my car!
it was something inconsequential....
something was touching something that shouldn't have been touching.
but...he ended up fixing my a/c as well!!
praise the lord.
now, its TOO cold! i can't keep the windows from fogging up sometimes.
haha.
hey. it works.

school...
uhhhh.
well i paid for half of it...
and i've got ALMOST all my books.
but i shopped around and definitely got the best prices!
about $150 for the textbooks, when it was originally almost $300 used from the bookstore.
school starts monday!
i realized i have math on mondays. WHAT a horrible way to start the week!
haha.

tony leaves for school tomorrow.
:[
its going to be hard, but we're both really willing to put forth the effort to make this work.
i'll only miss him for a week, though, because i'm hoping to go visit him the 29th -
its the friday after his birthday, and that monday is a holiday for the office
(hooray for labor day)

Me and Amy put in the deposit for our apartment yesterday
and I filled out the application.
I'm really hoping they don't turn me down because my job history looks terrible right now!
6 months at my current job, and 7 months at my previous (Starbucks manager).
blah.
I'm also trying to figure out how long of a lease I want to sign --
and it all depends on when I want to go to school full time???
july '09 or january '10?
i really don't know the answer to that.
blah.
and it depends if me and tony are still dating by then,
will i want to go to school with him at UTSA?
or go to sam houston?
questions, questions, questions.
ANYWAY, i can't wait to move into the apartment and finally have room to stretch my feet again!
not that living with amy has been all that bad, it really hasn't.
but it will be nice to have a real closet again.
we'll each also have our own bathrooms, which will be bliss for her,
and exciting for me -- I finally get to decorate my own bathroom!
I'm going to buy a new bedspread for myself too....
i'm thinking black and white.

my mom is recovering from her surgery and she's doing really well.
she's still not able to do everything she wants to do,
but she's in a lot less pain than she used to be in.
although, she still get really tired.
hannah, joshua, and sophia are all going to public school --
for the first time!!!
crazy.
sophia is really excited about getting her own locker.
her and josh both have to wear uniforms for school, since they're in middle school.
hannah gets to sport her own stuff.
i can't believe she's going to be a sophomore.
and richard just turned 18.
oh my goodness, i'm getting old.

ok, i need to get back to work.

Real Simple Daily Thought

August 18, 2008
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
— Janos Arany

loves life!!

||discouraged||

i feel really frustrated and discouraged.
i'm overwhelmed.
my car is broken...
i'm going to pick up tony's dad tonight and
hopefully he can start it and take it back to work on it...
but it has to be fixed by next monday night...
otherwise, i'm in deep poop.
its just so frustrating!
i don't have money to fix it, really,
because of the wedding this weekend.
and i wish i could just have a new car...
i don't know if the lord is trying to teach me about
pride or patience or what
but its hard.hard.hard.hard.
i wish i had a fairy godmother to just pour$5000 in my lap
not to buy a new car
but at least one that will run consistently and i can drive out of the city.
it doesn't work that way though.
i have to work for what i want...
and i have to get enough credit for what i want...
and its going to be a while.

school is going to be a lot more expensive that last semester.
i have to put down $210 for a deposit
(I'm doing a payment plan...classes are $420 overall)
and my government book is about $100
my pysch book is about $100
and my math book is about $50
and the lab costs $150.
Thats $400 for books...and plus that $210
thats a lot of money out of this next paycheck.
ughhh.

i know the lord provides.
he always, always does.
faithful.
but my heart!
be still my heart.
i have never gone without what i need.

so lovely....

waking up at 6:45
putting on makeup
getting dressed
walking out the door at 7:21
and getting to the park and ride
at 7:32

eleven minutes.
ya heard???
eleven beautiful wonderful minutes
from my apartment (that i share)
to where i meet the girls to carpool.
thank you jesus.
life has become slightly more beautiful.
*******************************

||pan the man||

apparently, hook the movie was on this weekend.
my favorite movie -- in the world!

"you really are the pan...
you can fly...
you can fight...
and you can..."
*CROW*

yes, peter pan is my hero.
the first time i ever watched a peter pan movie,
was the disney version...
and i was SURE that it was my destiny to marry this wonderful, life loving redheaded boy.
unfortunately, i grew up.
he lives in neverland and i...don't.

for a brief period of time, i had the best opportunity --
i was able to be in the play!
to my dismay, i did NOT land the part of peter,
but the part of one of the lost twins.
i was cute, nonetheless.
(i was an indian once too. talk about important!)

i wish i could pursue life with peter's attitude...
"to live...to live would be an awfully great adventure"
"to die would be a great adventure"
he is without fear, and jumps to the greatest challenges.
and although he is definitely not without his faults,
his charm is overwhelming.

wendy is gracious, and beautiful, and loving.
she makes a perfect mother to peter...
even though she ended up falling in love with him..
(my amazing friend melissa is the embodiment of wendy)
he never knew because she kept growing up
(THATS the problem with marriages! the boys think they live in neverland and never grow up! haha jkkkkk)
and eventually, when he decided to grow up,
she was already married...with children...and grandchildren.
he married her granddaughter, moira.

in the movie hook,
toodles has lost his marbles and "forgotten how to fly"
thudbutt's mom is his "happy thought"
rufio finally surrenders his sword
jack teaches the pirates how to play baseball
tinkerbell becomes human size
but most important,
peter remembers he grew up and becomes a lost boy again!

he remains my favorite, to this day.
as tinkerbell so aptly states,
"you know that place between sleep and awake,
the place where you can still remember dreaming?
that's where I'll always love you, peter pan.
thats where I'll be waiting."



[second star to the right, and straight on till morning]

||update||

goodness, its been more than a month since i last posted.

life has been crazy.hard. beautiful. fulfilling. interesting.
i moved out of my parent's house on june 1st.
i rented a room in a house, near my parent's,
so it wasn't too much of a jump.
i don't really want to go into why i moved...
ongoing situation. lack of understanding. lack of self control.
its no one's fault, really. we're both to blame.
its getting better, our relationship, as time passes.

it was really interesting,
a couple of weeks before camp,
a mother came in to the office to sign her daughter up for camp,
and i began talking to her...
it was ASTONISHING how alike our lives had been.
she had been homeschooled all her life,
with very strict, very religious parents in a home very similar to mine.
while we both loved our families very much,
after being homeschooled for seventeen years
and being with them DAY IN DAY OUT, we both left at that age,
with neither of our parents liking it.

long long long story short,
she encouraged my quest to find my faith and
make it my own,
to make sure that i didn't believe christianity
simply because that was how i'd been raised.
she encouraged me to search the Bible for truths
and to question the morals and test it against the Bible.
she said that certain things she had been raised to believe,
she didn't necessarily agree with.
and thats ok, she said.
she said that her relationship with her parents, now,
is great! she loves her mom and her dad.
her two younger siblings, are still searching for the Lord,
but she says she's afraid it may be from the lack of grace in her household.
she homeschools her four kids
(all of them named after fictional literary characters -- its charming!)
and stays at home with them.
her relationship with God is evident.

it gave me a lot of hope -- because thats who i want to be.

anyways....
other than that, i've been doing well!
i received a bonus and a raise at my job --
i paid off my medical debt and my car!
so that ugly, beautiful, piece of junk "old faithful" is officially mine.
i got internet!
so i'm hopefully establishing "credit" with ATT
so next year, when my parent's contract ends,
i'll be able to purchase my own phone/account
without having to put down $500 for a deposit!!!!

i am moving in with my cousin, amy, this weekend.
i'll live in the little corner in the living room for a while,
until we move to a different apartment :].
we're looking at apartments this weekend,
just to check out prices and stuff.
but if we were to transfer to a 2 bedroom, 2 bath at her current place,
we'd pay $925 a month,
and i'm not sure we're goin to find a better deal than that!
i'm really excited!
i know that this is going to be more of a permanent situation
and i'm going to be able to decorate my room,
and my bathroom,
and make it look cute and beautiful and
my own.
but for now,
while i'm living in the living room,
i'm going to to go to ikea and buy a small wardrobe and that will suffice.

i also signed up for college classes yesterday:
my schedule is as follows
Monday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Tuesday - Government 5:30 - 6:50
Wednesday - Math 6:10 - 8:10
Thursday - Government 5:30 - 6:50, Psychology 7 - 10
Busy, busy! Can't wait. I know I'm absolutely going to dread it, while i'm in the midst of it,
but at least I feel smarter and I'm heading towards a goal.
I would like to go to school either August '09, or January '10 and
i would like to enter in as a sophomore, at least.

tony leaves for school in a month.
its a bummer for me, but i'm so excited for him,
college life is grand...and the campus is excellent.
i can visit him, of course,
although with my car....trips will be limited!
his sister, i'm sure will drive up there,
and nadim's girl is too (not sure that will be too comfortable though haha!).
we're going to try to stick it out, see what happens.
thats one thing though, i'm so thankful for...
i can trust him and i know that.
there is not a doubt in my mind that tony would ever cheat on me.
he's so faithful.
my own insecurities plague me of course...
college girls are so beautiful, smart, busty, and PRESENT!
honestly though...if tony were to ever be in a position to cheat on me...
which i doubt he would place himself in...
i trust him enough that i know he'd think of me before himself.
and im trusting god.
period.

ehhhhhhhhhh thats all i guess.

||do you realize||

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do you realize?
Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize?

||candy canes||

i hate.

gross.

candy canes.

bad moods.

that come along.

mean swings.

uncontrollable.

im  a mean horrible person sometimes.

the end.

||road trip||

today...
i embark on a journey...
to see my best friend.
i haven't seen her since november 24, 2007.
this weekend..
we will laugh a lot.
and live.
just live.
i cannot wait.

pray for truth this weekend.
for clarity.
discernment.
love despite.
courage.
peace.

im a war,
of head versus heart,
and it's always this way.
my head is weak,
my heart always speaks,
before I know what it will say.
(crooked teeth - deathcab for cutie)

healing heart

sometimes...
i think my heart is healed,
and that I moving on with life,
but then they are days like today...
when i can barely stop the tears from coming.
my heart...it aches.
i miss my team.

true blue...
you have truly stolen my heart.
it has been ten months and some odd days
since my team has been together.
despite the distance,
despite missed calls and time differences,
despite our ever changing lifestyles and circumstances,
our love for each other is still strong.

there are times i lie awake and bed
just ache to hear the low rumble
of our beloved Shaniqua (the beautiful black bus)
and get to share my super tiny bed with kristy
and our millions of pillows and blankets.
i wish i could wake up again only to laugh at the fact that
she is, quite literally, frozen to the window.

i long the for the simplicity of life when i lived off of $5 a day.
when...i knew the only meals i could order would be off the $1 menu
so i could save my allottment to buy a new article of clothing for the weekend.

the thrill, the exhilaration, the honor of being onstage in front of thousands,
portraying a teenage girl of God, living righteously, without shame...
i will forever miss that.
i remember drama warm ups...
and being behind stage...about to go up...
feeling that jitter and the rush in my body.
or the time when my mic broke (on live tv!) and coming offstage
feeling so exhausted and spent but absolutely satisfied.



i miss walking around the cities with kailee
and taking absurd amounts of pictures of ourself.
i miss late night talks with melissa.
i miss hanging out on the weekend with matt.
i miss touching jons 'sexy abs'.
i miss walking the concourse.
i miss brad's hugs.
i miss jebba's hugs.
i miss mindy and her insanity.
i miss deb and the way she was so protective of me.
i miss joeangel and his quirks.
i miss laughing with and at clark.
i miss friday morning rehearsals.
i miss my in-ears.
i miss host homes.
i miss wendy and her love letters from pookie-jackson.
i miss washing my face everynight in the walmart bathrooms.
i miss waking up and having no idea what state im in.
i miss doing crazy things like hide and go seek at 3am in the nissan pavilion.
i miss being dirty all the time. (ok maybe not?)
i miss not wanting to the feel the heat with somebody,
but be in heat with somebody.
i miss being surrounded by 30+ of the most godly beautiful real people
i have ever known.

i do NOT miss spaghetti every weekend.
i do NOT miss waking up every sunday morning super early
i do NOT miss letting the beds down
if i could have killed someone, i would have.

but what a small price to pay a most wonderfully, blessed year.
what i would give...to go back and fully appreciate the wonder of what i had.

new developments

so...

this still undecided...
but it is something I will be praying about very hard...
but...

i am going to try to go to school full time in August '09!
yayyyy.

i went to go talk to a counselor yesterday
er...advisor
(counselors are for people on probations...definitely NOT me.)
and we made a plan that i will take:

1 class this summer
3 this fall
3 next spring
2 next summer

and thennnn i will be entering Sam Houston (hopefully, cause i have NOT applied) as a sophomore! i think this is the direction i have been praying for...
but i shall keep praying, to make sure, and i would love it if you prayed too!

sanguine!

so we started talking about personality types today in the office...
I already knew I was sanguine---
quick, impulsive, and relatively short-lived reactions.
yeah. thats me.
but i decided to do the test anyways...

i am sanguine/melancholy:

The Extrovert The Talker The Optimist

The Sanguine's Emotions
Appealing personality
Talkative, Storyteller
Life of the Party
Good sense of humor
Memory for color
Physically holds on to listener
Emotional and demonstrative
Enthusiastic and expressive
Cheerful and bubbling over
Curious
Good on stage (hey hey, anna rose?)
Wide-eyed and innocent
Lives in the present
Changeable disposition
Sincere at heart
Always a child

The Sanguine As A Parent

Makes Home Fun
Is liked by children's friends
Turns disaster into humor
Is the circus master

The Sanguine At Work

Volunteers for Jobs
thinks up new activities
Looks great on the Surface
Creative and colorful
Has energy and enthusiasm
Starts in a flashy way
Inspires others to join
charms others to work

The Sanguine As a Friend

Makes friends easily
Loves People
Thrives on compliments
Seems exciting
envied by others
Doesn't hold grudges
apologizes quickly
Prevents dull moments
Likes spontaneous activities

weaknesses:

The Sanguine's Emotions

Compulsive talker
Exaggerates and elaborates
Dwells on trivia
Can't remember names
Scares others off
Too happy for some
Has restless energy
Egotistical
Blusters and complains
Naive, gets taken in
Has loud voice and laugh
Controlled by circumstances
Gets angry easily
Seems phony to some
Never Grows Up

The Sanguine As A Parent

Keeps home in a frenzy
Forgets children's appointments
disorganized
Doesn't listen to the whole story

The Sanguine At Work
Would rather talk
forgets obligations
Doesn't follow through
Confidence fades fast
Undisciplined
Priorities out of order
Decides by feelings
Easily distracted
Wastes time talking

The Sanguine As a Friend

Hates to be alone
Needs to be center stage
Wants to be popular
Looks for credit
dominates conversations
Interrupts and doesn't listen
answers for others
Fickle and forgetful
Makes excuses
Repeats stories

ok. this is so me. like...to the T almost.
i'm not so much melancholy...
but the things that i am:

musical
high standards
persistent
makes friends cautiously
faithful and devoted
appreciative of beauty
seeks ideal mate (uh..yes.)
schedule oriented
likes charts, graphs, figures, lists, etc.
moody and depressed
low self image
hard to please
deep need for approval
full of contradictions
skeptical of compliments
self centered


wow.
yeah.
this is kuh-razy.
at the HA, we'd always be like "oh they're so melancholy" "they're so sanguine" -- its almost used too frequently there. I haven't thought of it in a while,and its really interesting to see again!

i truly enjoy my job.
i love what i get to do,
the atmosphere im in,
especially the girls i work with.
and i definitely do not mind working with my boss,
at all.
but...seriously, she has got to be the most...interesting (for lack of a better word)..person.
"oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook"
i have a hard time not laughing out loud when i'm around here,
she cracks me up.
sure, she frustrates me sometimes,
but hey...tell me what boss doesn't!
and, im so glad God opened this door...
i wouldn't give it up for anything.
(ok, MAYBE europe!)


ON ANOTHER NOTE ~

I'm really struggling with what to do for my best friend's wedding.
(ha. thats a movie.)
I do not support her marriage.
but she is my best friend.
and she wants me to be her maid of honor.
last night, i was talking to another friend,
who isn't very close, but i know him fairly well,
and he told me that by me standing to the in the wedding,
that i am condoning the marriage.
he reminded me that when someone turns from truth,
and refuses to follow,
then they are an enemy of God,
and, when we have done all we can do,
we are to have nothing to do with them.
see, my problem is,
maybe this IS the right guy, maybe this IS who she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with.....
but this isn't the time, this isn't the right way.
but i've said all i can say...if she chooses to go through with the marriage,
she will know what i think...
but i also want her to know that i love her unconditionally.
jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors...
they were enemies of god...
can i not show my love for her through this?
because, her marriage is for good...
and i don't want to tear apart our friendship forever becase of this.
this is tearing me up.

[as strong as death]

Place me like a seal over heart,
like a seal upon your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.

song of songs 8:6-7


my heart cannot,
will not,
be satisfied
until i experiance this love.

my life tends to be a rollercoaster of emotions,
one day i'm good and all my struggles seem so far away,
and the sky is so close...
next thing you know,
ive gone through a loop and
im dangerously close to crashing to the ground.

my mind.
its a battlefield.
i know who i am.
but do i really?
the person i see in the mirror
...who is she?
those are questions,
i sometimes cannot answer.

i have a hole in my heart.
its a hole only He can fill.
but i must, i must, i MUST,
allow him to heal me,
to renew me,
to transform the image i see in the mirror.

when i am grounded in a love that is
stronger than death
only then will i experience
that which will satisfy.
i mean, really,
what human, what thing, what knowledge, what encounter...
provides a love that is STRONGER THAN DEATH?

our God is a jealous God.
he craves our love,
just as much as we crave his.
when i wander,
when i take a step away,
he hurts.
it pains him....
but he will never give up....
as enduring as the grave

oh god.
thank you.
thank you for loving a wretched sinner like me.

he has made everything beautiful in its time...


[im sorry, its just a ramble of emotions right now]