[time]

the concept of time blows my mind.
it is crazy, how in one month,
so much has changed.
in one month,
i continue to learn the concept of contentment,
i understand happy is an emotion,
emotions are flighty,
peace is eternal.
i continue to learn trust is difficult,
and sometimes brutal,
but so necessary.
in a month,
i feel so much more stable than i have been in quite some time.
i'm also aware,
anything can change.
and in one month,
i will be 23.

i am not where i thought i would be at 23.
but that is ok,
i am obviously where God wants me to be.
everything in life happens for a purpose,
HIS purpose,
and I am thankful I am not in control.

time will continue to move
and things will continue to change
and i will continue to ponder
how this happened
when this happened
and i will rest in knowing He is in control.

[you know you're on your phone too much when...]

you start double tapping your computer's space bar in order to get a "."

awesome, thanks iphone.

[deep in the heart of texas]

i got a new tattoo :)
i have been wanting a texas outline for a while,
and last night i decided to go for it!

it's ok if you don't like it,
some do and some don't.
the important thing that matters,
is that i do.

ps. i do not have kankles, as this picture is clearly and falsely trying to portray. haha.

[just because you have a camera...]

does not mean you're a photographer.


this, i know.
however, i still like to pretend
and live in my own world
where my pictures really are cool and interesting.
but, lets be serious,
its only because i have a super amazing phone
with super amazing apps!

but i still created a flickr account.

:)

[fall is coming]

no, that is not what san antonio looks like...or probably will ever look like...
but that's what it feels like.
it has been the most perfect fall weather the past two days.

sunny, cool, crisp.

not a thing i would change.
and although i am going to miss summer dearly,
i am actually excited about seeing fall and winter come!
maybe it has to do with my friends who are all christmas fanatics.

on a yucky note,
its test time!
i truly dislike the classes i'm taking right now:
experimental psychology and the lab.
this is definitely not the part of psychology i prefer,
or wish to study,
and the fact that i have to ace these classes
in order to get into grad school is a little depressing!
wish me luck :)

[serious issues]

i have serious issues.
i need my back cracked EVERY day!
and i normally don't get it everyday,
so it builds up to this awful immense pain.

yesterday,
i drove 15 minutes,
and bought a 6 pack of beer for my friend,
so he could crack my back and massage it.
that's how desperate i was.

was it worth it?
yes. 100%.
however....
the pain is creeping back.

i need a chiropractor, stat!
can't wait till i get insurance....

[transition]

i don't know what that means,
or what it looks like.
but i am praying i make the right decisions.

i am thankful for friends and family
who love me
and more than that,
who love jesus.

****

girls night last night was so much fun :)
my ladies are amazing, and beautiful, and love jesus
and im so glad they are in my life.
we went to alamo drafthouse and watched 'going the distance'
whileeeeeeeee this movie was funny
(charlie from always sunny in philadelphia - my favorite character!)
and i LOVE justin long
(seriously, i want someone with THAT personality!)
there were some raunchy parts!
i had no idea it was rated r until we got to the theatre.
but it was actually a good movie.
joy and i got into an argument about the movie
- don't worry, i won't spoil it about telling you what it was about -
because we both have been in long distance relationships.

differences:
her man loves jesus, mine did not.
her relationship worked, mine did not.
i moved cities, she did not.

so....
i don't know.
she is getting married in decemeber,
and a part of me wants to say she is in happy bliss.
i am healing, and still working through pain.
i don't know that i would ever give everything up for a man again.
of course, again, there is still much healing to be done
and a lot to be said for trust lost,
but i will definitely think twice before entering a long distance relationship,
and especially moving!

[stay with me tonight]

the streetlamps try to do their best

but the light's faded in the west

it's like a night straight out of Poe

and one I'd hate to be alone

but with my ego at full mast

i cannot bring myself to ask you...

baby, stay with me tonight

it's a while before the light will win

and I'd love to have you here to tuck me in, oh,

baby, I hate to be needy

it's just the shadows seem kind of seedy

and I'm begging you to stay here with me

i never liked those girls who cling

needing a man for everything

with batted eyes and pouts intent

they bask in attention spent

but one thing I envy in their bask

they wouldn't hesitate to ask you...

i've been the same girl all along

too independent proud and strong

more like an island and a rock

than like a pillow or a dock

but sometimes strength is just a mask

and that's why tonight, my love, I ask you...

baby, stay with me tonight

it's a while before the light will win

and I'd love to have you here to tuck me in, oh,

baby, I hate to be needy

it's just the shadows seem kind of seedy

and I'm begging you to stay here with me

stay with me tonight (emma wallace)

cute!

inaluxe has the cutest cards! check out this one:

(it says:)

I love
the way you smell
your smiling eyes
sleeping in with you
your taste in music
your big bushy beard
the way you never laugh (loudly) when I slam into glass storefront doors
the fact that even though I have the scariest morning hair you still think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.

etsy always has the best finds!

[keep breathing]

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.
[ingrid michaelson]

[exhausted]

as i sit here,
staring at the computer screen,
phone off,
facebook deactivated,
and sondre lerche playing in my headphones,
i cannot, for the life of me, begin to function enough to write a paper.

my crutches have been taken,
and i am too exhausted.
mentally
emotionally
physically
spiritually.

i hurt.
there, i said it.
i hurt.
and i don't want anyone to know.

i don't know how to get back to the beginning,
to the way things were before.
before boys,
before booze,
before sexuality invaded my life and reared its ugly head.
before debt
before work
before the cares of life stole my joy.

don't get me wrong,
i am happy.
i know i am blessed.
but days like today...
after working and working and working
without stop,
my armour begins to chip away,
revealing things i don't want anyone to see.
my weaknesses,
my fears,
my discouragement.

tomorrow,
or the day after,
i shall be just fine.
back to myself,
smiling and laughing and loud.
but today,
just for today,
i don't know what to do.
i don't know how to make these problems go away.

There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay,
And nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do.
And if the chance should happen that I never see you again,
Just remember that I'll always love you.
There's nothing you could never do to ever let me down,
And remember that I'll always love you.
(a minor incident by badly drawn boy)






He will never leave me, or forsake me.
He has only given me what I can handle.
its going to be ok.
tomorrow will come.
and i will be ok.

[girl in translation]

"...when Matt and I were walking down the street, I caught sight of Vivian in a flower shop as we passed.  If possible, she was even more beautiful than ever in her sorrow, with limpid eyes that looked as if the world had drowned in them.  She happened to look up.  when she saw us, she seemed heartbroken, her grief so complete that if left no room for anger.  I thought, I never want to love someone like that, not even Matt, so much that there would be no room left for myself, so much that I wouldn't be able to survive if he left me."

-Kimberly, Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok

today...

I realized,

that when I am uncomfortable,

I get extremely quiet.

I realized,

that when I want to show someone I don't care,

when I really do,

I get extremely loud & overly verbal.

in these situations, and all others,

why can't I just be...

me?

summa time//summa time

there is something great about being 

in the water, 

in the sun, 

in a bathing suit.

honestly, 

life seems carefree,

and peaceful.

thank God for the summa time :)

seventeen!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANNAH!

seventeen years ago today, a star was born.

as you can see, she's incredibly gorgeous

and, incredibly talented!

in addition to playing guitar, she has an amazing strong voice

and writes her own music.

she's creative, beyond belief...

while this christmas bag doesn't demonstrate that fully,

her sense of humor is definitely evident.

she's super fly

and she's got killer dance moves.

i'm gonna be as good, one day!

we love taking pictures together - 

we're hot stuffff.

Hannah, you are incredible.

I admire your passion, your love for God, and your strength so much.

Never lose that childlike faith - 

the excitement of spending time in the presence of God.

You are more emotionally mature than so many 17 year old,

so much discretion, 

and with such a sensitive spirit.

I know you're going to be a huge impact on people's lives.

I love spending time with you,

dancing to music,

taking pictures,

laughing & being goofy.

You're such a fun person, and such a joy to be around;

I'm so thankful you're able to be yourself, no matter what.

I love you Hannah!!

[emotion]

"If I know how I feel it, that's what counts.  Don't you ever look at someone who's hysterical in public and wonder if it's because they really feel miserable or because they want others to know they're miserable?  It kind of dilutes the emotion if you display it for the whole world to see.  Makes it less pure"

- Jacob, "House Rules" by Jodi Picoult

[greyandyellow]

i decided whenever i move,
wherever i move,
my new color theme for my room/bedroom is going to be
dun dun dunnnnn

grey and yellow!

yes, i know, its kind of a popular color combo right now,
especially for weddings
(im sorry - im a wedding blog fanatic!)
but hey, don't judge me.
it's my room anyways.
haha.

anyways, in searching for different ideas,
these are the pictures i came across:

dwell

southern living
cute right?
i know they are two different styles,
but the idea is what i'm getting at.
i like the striped bedspread a lot.
it feels...clean!

faithful!

God is just so faithful to me.

I am so thankful that I have people in my life

that continue to encourage me,

and build me up,

and speak truth to me.

i need it.

it's always exactly what i need to hear.

a few days ago,

liz was encouraging me to stop being such a people pleaser....

to focus on pleasing God, and no one else.

and during that time to today,

i kept dwelling on two things:

1.  i am enough.

no matter how loud, 

obnoxious, 

emotional, 

silly, 

trusting, 

passionate 

or whatever....

i am enough in Christ. 

this is how I was made, 

and i am quite enough

for the ones who truly love me.

2.  to get rid of my pride and do the Bible study 

Lies Women Believe

that my mom has been telling me to do

but i haven't wanted to because.....

i'm just prideful.

today, i spoke to my old coworker 

and very good friend, Jessica Villalpando

and she truly encouraged me a lot.

She mentioned she's been doing a Bible study called...

yes, Lies Women Believe,

and she kept thinking about me on the chapter about

yes, being a people pleaser.

talk about humbling.

I picked it up today,

asked forgiveness for being so hardheaded

and prayed God would transform my life through this study.

please, pray for me as I let God 

weed out the garbage in my life.

so much on my mind...

-two exams today
-worried about my lingering sickness
-missing my family
-thinking about the future, trying to be content in the present
-feeling restless, needing adventure
-thankful for the lessons in life, hard as they may be
-missing people, missing relationships

update:

my exams are over and done with.  i dont know how i did on my second one, cause i studied so much for my first one.

also, please be in prayer for my friend...

he dove into a shallow part of a pool and is paralyzed from the waist down.

he has a 5% chance of walking again.  

pray that he will come to know jesus through this.

to my pops

happy fathers day :)

you are the most hardworking man

i've ever met.

growing up,

you were always up before any of us,

making sure things got done.

i can always count on you 

to know exactly what you're talking about.

you're the best when it comes to

anything that needs to be fixed.

i don't think i've thanked you often enough for that...

so, thank you.

thank you for giving me my love of music,

thank you for being the spiritual leader,

thank you for being patient with me,

thank you for supporting me,

thank you for being there,

thank you for trying to work past our issues,

thank you for all those things i never said thank you for....

thank you for being the dad i was meant to have.

i love you.

you and me - dave matthews band

my roommate liz introduced me

to this song the other night,

and it immediately captured my heart.

this is how i want a man to love me someday.

it isn't always logical,

(is love ever?)

but i desire

this element of adventure

in a love.

wanna pack your bags
something small
take what you need and we disappear
without a trace we'll be gone, gone
moon and the stars will follow the car
and then when we get to the ocean
gonna take a boat to the end of the world
all the way to the end of the world

oh when the kids are old enough
we gon' teach them to fly

you and i we're not tied to the ground
not falling but rising like rolling around
eyes closed above the rooftops
eyes closed were gonna spin through the stars
our arms wide as the sky we gon ride the blue
all the way to the end of the world
to the end of the world

Oh when the kids are old enough
we gon teach them to fly

we can always look back on what we did
always memory of you and me baby
right now its you and me forever girl
you know we could do better than
anything that we did
you know that you and me
we could do anything

you and me together
we could do anything, baby
you and me together yes,yes
the two of us together
we could do anything baby
you and me together yes, yes
two of us together, yes, yes
two of us together
we could do anything baby

anchors away!

i've always wanted an achor tattoo -

but this would work in it's stead nicely.

oh, it's tiffany's??

yes, please!

[re-run]

i posted this two years and some odd months ago....
and its funny, 
after two years,
one city change,
and a million different life lessons,
i can still find truth in the same verses -
they speak the same, and they speak anew.
////////////////////////////////////////////////


Place me like a seal over heart,
like a seal upon your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.

song of songs 8:6-7

my heart cannot, 
will not,
be satisfied
until i experiance this love.

my mind.
its a battlefield.
i know who i am.
but do i really?
the person i see in the mirror...
who is she?
those are questions, i sometimes cannot answer.

i have a hole in my heart.
its a hole only He can fill.
but i must, i must, i MUST,
allow him to heal me, to renew me, 
to transform the image i see in the mirror.

when i am grounded in a love that is 
stronger than death
only then will i experience that which will satisfy.
i mean, really,
what human, what thing, what knowledge, what encounter...
provides a love that is STRONGER THAN DEATH?

our God is a jealous God.
he craves our love, just as much as we crave his.
when i wander, when i take a step away,
he hurts. 
it pains him....
but he will never give up.
...as enduring as the grave

oh god.
thank you.
thank you for loving a wretched sinner like me.

he has made everything beautiful in its time...

breathe

there are so many things

that are heavy on my heart.

but i am crippled in my words

and hindered by fear.

this is me.

in all my imperfection.

i am clumsy,

i am weak,

i am human.

but within all of this,

i am beautiful

because i know how to love.

because i am willing to be vulnerable

becuase i am willing to take a risk

because my trust is in jesus christ.

i am on this 

wonderfulpainfulexcitingcolorfulbreathtaking

rollercoaster called life.

and there is this immense emotion called

fear

that continues to try to stop me 

from enjoying the ride.

after all i've been through

after all i have been told

i still have a desperation to know 

that love still prevails.

that there is a trust that cannot be broken

that despite brokenness, 

there can be healing.

let your face shine on your servant; 

       save me in your unfailing love.

 

sex and the city

tonight,

i am going to spend time with some of my favorite ladies

- onscreen and offscreen.

oh yes.  

sex and the city.

with liz, mel, sarah, joy and some other very lovely ladies.

the reviews supposedly have been terrible,

but i am still so excited!

honey, i'm home!

it has been almost two months since i've last posted,

and what a whirlwind of change has happened.

reading some of these last posts almost makes me feel pathetic

and i was tempted to delete...

but i didn't :)

i felt what i felt, and i should make no apologies. 

good gosh, 

so much has changed.

the biggest - 

i am at peace.

i am satisfied.

for the first time in almost two years.

it's an unfamiliar feeling,

and was almost uncomfortable at first,

because for so long....

i had been searching for the next high,

living in depression,

and beating myself up for so long.

i moved in with two girls from teenmania,

melody romo and liz hansen, and melody's sister - joy.

these girls have been such an incredible encouragement to me.

i never realized how much the friends you surround yourself with,

and the enviroment you live in can affect you so immensely.

i don't think i have the time, or the space, or even the words 

to fully allow myself to explain the extent 

to which God moved me out of my pit through these girls,

and so i shall leave it at that.

thank you jesus.

i was living in this...downward spiral,

of drinking, and partying, and making stupid, stupid choices.

and i saw it, and i just didnt know how to get out.

i didn't know how to stop.

and now i'm here.

i've stopped.

it no longer has a hold on me.

on one hand,

i'm saddened that i allowed myself to make 

those choices, those decisions that put me into awful situations,

but at the same time,

i cannot live with regret, 

and i'm only going to allow myself to learn, and to grow,

and i know that one day,

my testimony will impact someone in a huge way.

i feel like i've aged so much.

not in a bad way completely....

but in a way, that i know what i want.

i'm tired of living for something temporal.

it all fades away so quickly.

i'm tired of being sad,
and i'm tired of being around sad people.
yes, i have some screwed up relationships,
and yes, its all been piling on top of me all at once...
but, i am still so much better off than millions of other people in the world.

I read a GREAT quote, and i don't have it on me,
but it pretty much said that being others centered
is the cure for any sickness...depression, heart break, etc.
when you are pouring yourself out,
you become focused on the needs of others, and their hurts,
and slowly you begin to heal....you can't focus on two things at once!

Thats so true.
I want to pour my life out,
i want to influence others.
I'm going to start trying to be involved in community programs,
I applied for Big Brother Big Sister,
I'm going to run in the Race for the Cure,
and I'm looking at other things, like Habitat for Humanity.

I've been talking to a friend about opportunities at her church as well, so we'll see how that pans out. If you have any other suggestions for me, they would be much appreciated :)

..::lovelovelovelove::..

loveeee these red newport cordones by tomsshoes.com

i want them!

a mere $70, thats all...

skeletons in my closet

you're gone,
im here.
you said forever.
and we laughed
we cried
and we never thought that forever would end.

we dedicated songs to each other
took silly pictures
whispered secrets in the dark till we fell asleep.
you were my best friend
my confidante.
the one person i knew i could rely on.
the one person that would be always be there for me
the one person who would love me no matter what.

or so i thought.
but you're gone
and im here.
i have questions
that will never be answered
but there is one question that will always hang over my head
why did you stop being my friend?
i don't like thinking about the answer
it hurts too much,
and sometimes, i just pretend the truth is altogether something different.
but i will always know...
i wasn't enough.
i was too human.
i fell
and you didnt want a fallen person for a friend.
i changed...
who knew that thought that 'forever' had
'or until you change' silently, invisibly attached.


'you don't get to call me a whore! when i met you, i thought i had met the person i would spend the rest of my life with. i was done. so all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues...who cared? because I was done. you left me! you chose addison! i'm all glued back together now. i make no apologies for how i chose to repair what you broke. you don't get to call me a whore!'

- meredith (greys anatomy)

days of yesteryear

times change,
people move,
habits are formed,
habits are killed,
beauty fades,
love is lost,
new life becomes,
rebirth begins.

how to hold on,
how to move on,
how to begin,
how to finish,
how to love,
how to lose,
how to breathe,
how to be.

its a fight and a war
to see the beauty and the peace
but isn't it so much sweeter once we've learned that
it's ok to hurt,
its ok to cry,
but you have to get up, wake up,
and become.

music

i love music.
its honestly been my constant...
so, obviously, i have been having a hard time with the breakup
and one of my friends, nadim, gave me some songs off his playlist "bitchs"
hahahahahaha.
its been fun...its like a game to see "what song describes my pathetic love life the most"
and i know that sounds so depressing, but its NOT!
it makes me laugh!
honestly, it takes my mind off of how sad i am, and how much i miss him.

songs that i relate to the most:

i'm gonna find another you - john mayer
better that we break - maroon 5
need you now - lady antebellum (hahah my life. seriously.)
and the funniest one...
i will always love you - whitney houston
hahaha who knew i would end up relating to you, whitney??? :)

so for now, so long until i write again...
everything will be alrighttttttt (the killers)

gunna make it

at the end of the day,
when all is said and done,
the joy of the lord will be my strength.

happy single's awarness day!!

couples make me gag.
and everytime i see a valentine display,
i want to kick it down.
everyone seems so mushy ushy gushy
and ive seen so many guys buying roses at walmart,
its ridiculous.
like, please, reality....just slap me a little harder to remind me that
IM NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP
and that i'm too pathetic to get in one.

ok, ok, ok,
before you freak out and tell me i'm being bitter,
and i'm WORTH it and I'm BEAUTIFUL and there is
a special guy out there SOMEWHERE for me...
i'm telling you...
i know :)
I'm working on the bitternes...
but I'm know I'm beautiful, and worth it, and there is a special guy out there somewhere.
I'm just telling you that those are my FIRST reactions...
and then I have to take those thoughts captive, and give them to God.
This Valentine's Day, I am learning what UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is.
I am learning Agape.

For those of you who don't know what agape is:
There are several types of love in the Greek language...the three most widely known are

eros - as you can imagine, is ROMANTIC love. the kind of love everyone wants this weekend, the sexy passionate love.
philia - is the love you have for a family member, brother, sister, or very close friend.
agape - divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love (wikipedia). Agape is the love the God has for us.
One of my favorite quotes from Rob Bell's book 'Sex God' is this:

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy.

Agape MAKES them worthy by the strength and power of it's love.

Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful.

Agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.

I love this quote.
I am so imperfect.
I fail everyday.
I am weak,
I am stubborn,
I lust,
I curse,
I have no self control,
I am selfish,
and foolish,
and unwise.
I am a sinner.

But through his strength, through his salvation, and through his LOVE...
i am made perfect.
how amazing is that???
i have someone who will NEVER LEAVE me, NEVER FORSAKE ME!
there is nothing i could ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
should i say it again?
EVERRRRRR
do that would make him love me less, or stop loving me.

and right now, at this time in my life,
that is exactly what i need.

i have left so many times,
i have given myself to other lovers,
and i have worshipped other gods.
ughhh i have been BROKEN and BEATEN and TORN DOWN...

Therefore, behold, I [the Lord God] will hedge up her way thorns; and I will build a wall against her that she shall not find her paths.

And she shall follow after her lovers but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them , but shall not find them.

For she has not noticed, understood, or realized that it was I [the Lord God] Who gave her the grain and the new wine and the fresh oil, and Who lavished upon her silver and gold which they used for Baal and made into his image.

Therefore will I return and take back My grain in the time for it and My new wine in the season for it, and will pluck away and recover My wool and My flax which were to cover her [

And now will I uncover her lewdness and her shame in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of My hand.

And I will lay waste and destroy her vines and her fig trees of which she has said, These are my reward or loose woman's hire that my lovers have given me; and I will make [her plantations] an inaccessible forest, and the wild beasts of the open country shall eat them.

And I will visit [punishment] upon her for the feast days of the Baals, when she burned incense to them and decked herself with her earrings and nose rings and her jewelry and went after her lovers and forgot Me, says the Lord.

Therefore, behold, I will allure her bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord.

And I will sow her for Myself anew in the land, and I will have love, pity, and mercy for her who had not obtained love, pity, and mercy; and I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people, and they shall say, You are my God!

Hosea 2:6-23
(i omitted a few verses)

When I read this verse...
I cant breathe.
I am overwhelmed by Love.
This verse has been one of my favorite passages since 2005
but it has never meant so much to me more than it does today.

So, this Valentines Day...
I am throwing myself into knowing my True Lover,
and I am going to seek him as desperately as I have sought my other loves.
and I am praying for a desire to KNOW him more intimately than I have known anyone else.
He will HEAL me, and make me WHOLE.
I will wait upon the Lord...

I know that some of you may read this and think 'sure thing, kid'
but never before have i been in such a broken, broken time in my life.
and never before have i been so so aware of my...humanity and
my need for salvation.
yes, i'm going to make mistakes.
but God willing, I will be made perfect in Him.